DOAM

This Blog has moved

2009-04-06T23:33:00.002+01:00

Well I will never forget my routes, Blogger is where I started but it is somewhat time to move on.

I will never forget this site and am pleased to report that all my posts, comments and in general everything have been moved successfully, I think it will be safer in its new home, It will still update to face book and all of you who have visited DOAM over the years are more than welcome to stop by and leave a comment.

So anyway my new online home is www.jemmabrown.wordpress.com

This change needed to be made but I will be sad to see the end of regular updates here.

The effect of it all

2009-04-05T21:27:00.004+01:00

What's been the effect of all this new eye stuff on my vision, my life and the way I live?

Bloody hell I was clumsy before but now seriously I am worse than ever, everywhere I go it seems I cause a trail of destruction!

Any co-ordination I once had has now gone completely, and lets face it hand eye co-ordination has NEVER been my strong point.

Balance to has got worse I wobble a lot more than ever before, I'm falling a lot more than I have in a long time to and I'm rather tired with it all.

Possibly the worst bit is the eye strain, persistent headaches and being tired and grumpy all the time.

So in short I spill everything, walk into stuff, break things and am generally a walking disaster!

Oh well at least its amusing for you all to watch all my mishaps!

No pretending

2009-03-29T22:35:00.002+01:00

I have spoken to my consultant again, turns out the treatment he was telling me about is not a long term option.

The injections only destroy the blood vessels for about 4 weeks, then the blood vessels grow back.

So it's not a long term treatment.

So the long term is;

I am almost defiantly with medical science in its present state going to go blind in my right eye, very little can be done about it.

It's time to stop pretending everything is going to be OK, I'm going blind in one eye, nothing anyone can say or do will make that any better its going to happen, sooner or later.

Of course the great thing about going blind due to haemorrhaging is that there is no telling when, I could have a huge haemorrhage tomorrow, or a tiny little one or I might not have another one for 20 years, by which point there may be some form of cure.

So I have in the last month gone from having an eye condition that is not curable, but not deteriorating any time soon, to having a problem with my right eye that's going to result in having no vision in that eye.

Life will go on, I will get used to the idea.

I am going to fight!

2009-03-23T10:28:00.002Z

Ok so I am waiting for a consultant to call me and tell me whether the professor thinks it is clinically worth while to treat my eye.

Of course its clinically worth while! I can still See colour and do finger counting, I still have something so lets try and keep it that way.

Without treatment my right eye will defiantly get worse and eventually I will have nothing left- nada -no vision. Who knows how fast that will happen but its almost guaranteed I will lose all the vision in my right eye.

I am 20 I already have a few problems with my left eye, surly my right eye should be worth saving?

If they decide its not worth saving the vision in my right eye I am going to fight the decision, I possibly have a lot of fighting coming up as even if they decide its clinically worth while they have to apply to the PCT for funding to treat me because of my unique condition.

So I am waiting to hear and getting ready for a fight, it saddens me how much I have to fight sometimes but it simply has to be done.

The consultant calls...

2009-03-18T23:48:00.003Z

On Tuesday evening I got a call from a consultant at the eye unit, very nice consultant Mr T phoned and apologised for all the mix ups and revealed that they are still unable to find 10 years worth of my notes, the early ones about eye sugary I had at 11 weeks old onwards.

He said he wanted me to go in today (Wednesday) for some tests and to see a different consultant that specialises in the back of the eye Mr S.

So today I dropped everything and headed off to the eye unit/day centre for 1 o'clock.

The bus I normally take is called the U6H and is part of the Uni Link service, this goes round half of the world and then goes to the eye unit taking at least an hour. I took a different route to the bus stop than I normally would to try and save time, on the way I realised I was going to pass the First Buses office so popped in there to ask if there was a quicker bus. Less than 5 Minutes later I was on the number 4 heading to the hospital even better it took less than 20 minutes!

(Oh dear! I have just realised what a sad anorak I sound like sitting here blogging about bus timetables!)

So anyway arrived a bit early and was told to basically go away by the receptionist and come back at my appointment time, so I went for a walk.

Then I did my distance vision test, and only managed finger counting with my right eye. This is where the nurse or whoever stands about a meter away from you and holds up fingers to see if you can count them.

That's a deterioration because I can normally see the top letter of the eye chart from about 2-3 feet away, so great I have probably lost a bit tiny bit of vision, or quite possibly I am just having a bad day and if I where to do the test again tomorrow would do better who knows!

Then I got sent through to a new waiting room with comfy chairs and a water cooler absolute luxury compared to the other waiting room! I then got a call from a nurse who was tasked with explaining everything to me.

My pupils don't really get bigger or smaller with changes in lighting condition's so the nurse was unsure whether there was any point putting drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils so had to go off and ask a few people. 5 minutes later she re-appeared with a tissue for me so immediately knew it was eye drop time. I am indeed special and required 2 different types of eye drops to try and make the muscles in my iris dilate.

Then I had a few tests, a scan of the back of my eye which was like watching a funky laser light show and quite fun.

Then I had the big event as it where a Fundus Fluorescein Angeiography Basically in super easy to understand Jemma speak they inject you with dye and then take loads of pictures of the back of your eye.

The dye is essential so that the doctor who gets the pictures can see the blood vessels and stuff at the back of the eye, its the whole point of the test. I was told about the risks and that it would turn my wee florescent yellow, like the colour of Gus' harness and that my skin would probably turn yellow too. when the dye hits the blood vessels of the stomach it would probably make me feel sick and quite often people are sick, sometimes people also become breathless and faint, and rarely people have a minor skin reaction such as a rash. Then I got the talk about the possibility of going into anaphylactic shock and death and the need for resuscitation.

At this point I defiantly started to get nervous, I love the way that after telling me that there was a slim chance of having a sever reaction and death the nurse took my blood pressure and heart rate! I'm sure you can guess what that was like.

Then I got injected with the dye, I was very impressed that the nurse managed to find a vein on her first attempt and in the dye went.

You will be pleased to hear that I didn't die instantly or puke all over them, but I did fell very sick and the room did spin for a few seconds and then all was fine. Oh and the nurse was right my wee is still very very highlighter yellow!

So then I went and sat in the big waiting room with no comfy chairs or water fountains, even worse I was sat with a window behind me that had to be kept locked, it was rather hot! Luckily I was not sat there long and consultant called me in I'm going to abbreviated what he said and simplify it a bit.

Basically because I am short sighted and my eyeball is the wrong shape it has developed weak areas, in these weak areas blood vessels have formed that should not be there. These blood vessels have popped a bit, it might have been a few of them or just one, so there is a collection of blood in the jelly bit of my eye. The blood will take about 6 months to be reabsorbed into my body and go away, but the blood vessels will not go away.

This is the bad news bit, there is every chance that I will have another submacular haemorrhage it could be bigger and completely destroy the vision in my right eye leaving me with nothing in that eye (my left eye is completely fine), Or I could never have another bleed again.

Nothing can be done about the collection of blood already in my eye nature just needs to let it slowly filter away, which means I will have up to 6 months of living with this bloody floater popping in and out of my vision, trust me its annoying.

As for the blood vessels causing the problem, there is a treatment but it is not currently available on the NHS for my condition, so we would have to apply for funding.

It's very rare for it to happen to someone my age, because it is my most rubbish eye that has been effected the consultant I saw was a unsure as to in his opinion it is worth treating, I informed him that I don't want to lose the vision in my eye without a good fight first, so he is taking to the professor and will ring me next week.

I need to add quickly that this does not normally happen to people who are short sighted at my age, it sometimes happens to people with other eye diseases when the are over the age of 75 so nobody panic.

So in short I got a lot more info today about whats going on and although it is bad news I intend to fight if the professor thinks the treatment will improve the condition of the back of my eye, it will not get rid of the blood that's already leaked or make my sight any better but it could stop me having a giant hemorrhage and losing it all.

Eye Casualty

2009-03-11T22:56:00.005Z

After a night of worrying and not hearing anything I got a phone call from my mum who was equally worried, she (with my permission) rang The Eye Unit to find out what was going on.

She was told basically that I needed to get to Eye Casualty as soon as possible.

So I got a few bits together got ready and headed out.

I got as far as the PELICAN crossing outside my halls and had to turn back, someone had smashed a tonne of glass all over the pavement and the crossing, I can't see glass so only knew when I was already stood on it.

Gus cut his paw, he refused to move so I did what I am trained to do in situations such as this, I picked him up, I got a few paces and he decided he was not having any of it so bit me, I dropped him, it was a true comedy moment, he did then decide to move however! I dashed back to halls and the residence manager bandaged up my dog and cleaned the wound, it was very small.

Then there was the frantic OMG I don't know what to do panicked phone call to my mum, who told me to go straight to Eye Casualty because they where very concerned and sort Gus out later on.

So I got a TAXI to Eye Casualty saw the receptionist, who again could not find my notes.

I sat for an hour or 2, had a distance vision test and waited a bit more.

My notes where somehow found and I saw a doctor.

The doctor apologised for me being told to go in to Casualty, and told me that the doctor I saw yesterday had written a letter to a consultant to get him to look at my notes, the consultant would then decide when I needed to be seen and what tests I need and I will get a letter in the post.

In the meantime my macular has been bleeding, and they have no idea why. There is nothing they can do at eye casualty because they only deal with problems at the front of the eye there.

However if it gets any worse before I get a letter I need to ring them up straight away and head down, they can't do anything about it in eye casualty but they need to know.

So I have to wait for a letter to get loads of tests done, who knows what it is so its still just a worry at this stage.

So I left eye casualty having completely wasted my time and TAXI fare and a whole day I could have spent working on the 3 assignments I have due in eminently and headed for coffee.

Got coffee and rang vet, got an appointment.

Got the bus into town then got more cash out (TAXI's are VERY expensive) and another coffee and headed to the vets.

Saw the vet who commended the managers first aid skills, he had a good look and discovered that there was in fact some glass in Gus' foot.

Gus was an angel and laid there rolling letting the vet have a poke around and try and get it out, he kicked the vet a few times, who was incredibly patient with Gus.

The Glass would not come out so the vet and I decided it would be kinder to sedate Gus to get it out.

2 and a half hours later Gus was still very not with it and now had a lovely Green bandage and we where heading for another TAXI home.

At the time of writing he is a lot more with it, but is not a happy bunny, he is currently sitting on his bed giving me evils asking me to make the bandage on his foot go away.

It took him forever to come round from the sedation, I got back to halls and dropped a piece of pepperoni on his face and he did not even notice.

Today's visit to The Eye Unit

2009-03-10T23:25:00.003Z

Well today I had my 4 monthly trip to The Eye Unit in Southampton, its a bit of a sausage factory and has all the issues any eye unit has, its like walking into a day centre or old peoples home, I'm still at the age of 20 the youngest person there by about 30 years but hey-ho its all part of the fun. I planned to get the bus after producing the days news bulletin for our student radio station, unfortunately the studio broke and what with one thing and another I was running late so splashed out on a TAXI. In my complete paranoia of being late, what happens I was an entire hour early! Anyway I signed in, did the distance vision test, which was a bit of an eye opener. They have got new electronic eye charts that are remote controlled, its no longer possible to cheat the eye test how upsetting is that! So anyway eye test done I went to wait to see the doctor an hour and a half winds by, I'm listening to my ipod, a million and one conversations that are going on around me and the sound of Gus moaning with boredom under my seat. Then my ears prick up its now 12:30 ish and I here a man behind me say that his appointment was supposed to be at 9:45 and that he has not been seen yet.

I then have that feeling of dread that tells me I am probably in for the long hall and that I should make myself comfy, maybe even get my laptop (her name is Lilly) out and do some work.

Then a nurse makes an announcement, the doctor I am supposed to be seeing is not in today and his replacement is a medical student, this is what is holding everything up. Then the good news, the other doctors have all finished there clinics now so are helping to clear the backlog.

Great I might actually be out of the eye unit by my next birthday! (October 31st if any one's that interested.)

15 or so minutes later my name is called, it should all be quick and painless from here.

So I'm talking to the doctor she is a little horrified by the presence of my guide dog, she has a VERY quick look at my eyes then measures my Glaucoma score, doesn't check them again, I could tell it was a bit of a quick get her out clear the backlog type examination. I am a bit of a specialist at being examined by eye doctors and medical students and have been round the opthamology block more than a few times. She tells me everything is fine my pressures are great and that there are no causes for concern.

I have a cause for concern, I have a small amount of debris in my right eye, its just remnants of scar tissue and stuff like that, every now and then a bit pops up, floats around a bit and I get a shadow in my vision, sometimes they are even pretty colours. I wasn't really to concerned, but on Friday I got a new little floater.

I still have it now sat here writing this so thought as it has hung around for quite a long time I would run it past the doctor.

Doctor has a slightly better look at my eye and looks very concerned, then announces that the back of my eye has been bleeding, it might still be bleeding, I need to see the consultant and what have I done with my notes.

It was literally those statements in roughly that order, at this point I got scared, and said that I had not at any point had my notes so didn't know where they where either.

So anyway doctor goes off to ring consultant, she pops back to tell me that she can't get hold of him so is going up to his office because he is probably by now on lunch.

So I'm sitting there and I realise I am completely pinned to my chair by the table that swings round with all the technical stuff on it. I try and push it away a little bit but its locked in place, literally on my lap, the building could burn down and I would be stuck there forever. I'm not a claustrophobic person on the whole but in that minute I was starting to panic.

Luckily a nurse swung by and I was like 'Let me out I'm being claustrophobic' one nice nurse and a glass of water later and all was fine.

Doctor reappears and says she can't find the consultant or my notes. She doesn't know why my eye is bleeding, or if it is still bleeding, or what to do about it, BUT it could be really dangerous and permanently damage my vision and I might need surgery to sort it out. (great, in my head I am shitting my pants)

She takes my mobile number encase they need me urgently, if no one rings me I will get a letter through the post, if I don't get a letter I need to ring up and check I have not been lost in the system.

It all makes me have great faith in our NHS system, don't get me wrong I love the NHS its a great invention and we are very fortunate to have free health care in this country, but wow losing my notes, missing that there is a potentially serious problem with my eye, then not being able to find a consultant to sort it out makes me worry a bit.

So anyway I am left to worry about what the future holds for my right eye and Wait for the phone to ring or a letter thorough the post... or to be lost in the system.

I have decided I am giving them a week if I don't here anything I will chase them up, but of course I am now on red alert as it where, if anything worries me before I hear from them I will be heading to Eye Casualty straight away.

It's all rather worrying really.

Crazy again

2009-02-23T19:23:00.005Z

This post is therapy I will say that from the off set it is for my own benefit to get things out there so they are not just in my head.

After 8 ish months of being on antidepressants but psychologically well, I'm depressed and ill again.

If I am honest it snuck up on me covering my world with a big black blanket, removing the colour from my thoughts, I saw it coming so tried to take action, but nothing is immediate and now the situation is deteriorating. Whatever action I take has a waiting list, I have to carry on in the dark and Wait for my turn to get help.

I'm back in a place I thought I had left behind, with behaviours I thought I have left behind.

I am now already struggling with the day to day of university life, my insomnia has got so bad, that when I eventually fall asleep (usually sometime between 4 and 5 am) I literally cannot wake up in time for my 9am lectures. My body says that it is tired and I turn every alarm clock off in my sleep, sometimes walking across my room to accomplish the task.

Assignments seem impossible.

The evaluation assignment we have just been set is terrifying, at a time like this when I am not well I can't see the things that I am good at, I see every mistake I have ever made, I think I am crap at everything although that is possibly not the case.

In a way its good that I have at least recognised that I am unwell again, that's part of the battle isn't it admitting that you have a problem.

How did I get here? Is another part of the battle, I think I have been warn down by stress and recent events reminding me of past negative experiences.

So that it then I'm back to crazy depressed anxious Jemma, waiting for help.

That Blind Girl...

2009-02-20T15:02:00.005Z

One of my mates from uni has been putting together some posters of her friends and I am honoured to have been included. Mine is fabulous! I'm sensing a new catchphrase, to run along side 'Brave special different'!

Image Description: The background of the image has a gradient focused around the top right corner of the image, the top right corner is deep purple, with a gradient going to bright green on the left. Top left are the words 'Jemma Brown" in capitals in a bold black font that stands out from the page. On the bottom left corner in slightly smaller white lettering it reads '...And that blind girl will take over the world'. The majority of the rest of the picture is taken up by a photograph of my head, the colour has been removed and it forms a black outline, the gradient can still be viewed through it.

...And that blind girl will take over the world!

2009-02-17T18:24:00.002Z

I have made a massive achievement, a huge leap in the steps of visually impaired people everywhere... I have beaten a fully sighted person at darts! I will add right now that the person I was playing was in no way drunk and I did not impede them in any way.

So yes you read correctly 'that blind girl' (as I am often affectionately known) played darts for the first time in her life and BEAT TOM!

Furthermore on this dangerous (for everyone in a pub sized perimeter) journey of immense discovery no one was harmed, I did not hit anyone with a dart, including myself and we all lived to tell the tale. In truth the fact that everyone in the surrounding area survived is possibly more impressive than the fact that I beat Tom at darts.

This is obviously a huge step forward for all the visually impaired people out there who ever considered playing darts, I had never played darts before in my life so here are my top tips on how to insure success.

1) Safety first- check you are facing the dart board, a little shout that you are about to throw the dart before you actually do will remind people that there is a game in progress and that if they do walk in front of you they will get a face full of dart.

2) Ask someone to hold your guide dog as far away from you as possible, Gus (my guide dog) was a bit fascinated by the throwing of objects, and was keen to intercept

3) If you can't see the dart board- Ask someone to stand in front of the board and shout, clap or stomp... insure they have moved before you throw the dart.

4) If you can see the dart board- Don't bother trying to aim, this was a fantastic failure in my attempts. I could not see the dart board with my right eye, but I could with my left so I attempted to throw the darts left handed, this was also a mistake as it was even less accurate and I think I pulled something!

5) The actual act of throwing As long as you throw the dart pointy end first anything goes!

6) Scoring- Get someone with eyes that work to do the scoring, dart boards are tactile and colour coded but quite frankly have a rather confusing layout.

So anyway darts lesson over I now know that I can do anything if I try hard enough, lets all have a hug and go and dance in the sunlight!

when to give up

2009-02-14T23:07:00.003Z

Its a question I am asking myself, when do I give up trying to help members of the course team understand me?

I have been studying the universities student complaints procedure, I don't want to use it, but I am seriously running out of options.

It would be true to say that right now things have reached a crisis point, things should not have got to the stage where a lecturer and myself are shouting at each other across a lecture theater. I am sure many of you reading this are fully aware of the situation I was put in on Wednesday, I am not an aggressive person, but when I am shouted at because a so-called lecturer does not possess any understanding of my disability I have to defend myself.

The access issues I have faced since being at university have somewhat surprised me, I always knew that I would face challenges and access issues but I hoped that lecturers would work with me not against me to smooth any issues.

I am having one final attempt at solving these issues informally. Next week I will be having a number of meetings with members of the course team, if things cannot be sorted out then it will be time to start the formal stage of the official complaints procedure.

I am going to end this blog entry with a somewhat desperate plea, I consider myself to be an independent person but I cannot continue the way things are at the moment, I would ask others to speak out about the way I am forgotten if they witness what is going on.

I do this in understanding that many of you do not feel able to speak out on my behalf for fear of being patronising, I promise you I will not take that view point, if you feel able to act please do. I need as many people to hammer the message home, if lecturers will not listen to me or the disability support people then my only hope is to irritate them into compliance.

Photography

2009-02-11T12:30:00.002Z

Oh joy of joys, I'm having another access issue with the course content.

I am required to attend a photography workshop in a studio, its presenting me will all kinds of access issues, and right now I am incredibly angry!

I have some health and safety concerns about working in the studios, I'm thinking, trip hazards, I'm thinking dodgy lighting and camera flashes, all of which would present me with issues.

The guy running the workshop has just said in so many words that there are no specific things for me to worry about other than the standard studio health and safety stuff. He knows I'm partially sighted and that's it, but it isn't he is unaware of my photophobia or anything else. It's not 100% this guys fault but still I am angry that in the correspondence he has not even hinted at the effect my disability will have on my health and safety or that of anyone else working in the area with me!

Furthermore another member of the course team has got the wrong end of the stick, and has stated that I instructed other students to take photographs for my project on my behalf. This is completely wrong, I have taken all of my own pictures, I simply asked at the begging of the year in a worst case scenario situation whether it would be OK to instruct someone else to take a picture for me, as a last resort, I have not done this at all!

Snow: brings the UK to a halt

2009-02-03T15:05:00.003Z

I am amazed the UK has the largest amount of snow fall for nearly 2 decades, and it has brought out large scale lazyness! evertything is affected, planes are grounded, trains have not been able to run due to frozern signals, schools, and businesses have closed.

In addtion university closed yesterday, for the majority of students we found out when we got there, and yesterday it reopened the vast majority of students turnd out to attend lectures only to arrive and in the case of journalsim discover that there lecturere had failed to make it in and that the lecture was infact cancelled.

This was infuriating as at this point yesterday the internet was working, so all it would have taken was an email to the group telling us not to bother getting up.

The other sessions where still on but did not have a great turn out, I think at the highest there was a grand total of 5 people attending.

This brings me on to my next point, the snow brought out lethargy, so many people could have come to university and decided not to because of the snow, people who where physically able to go out and go to uni didn't.

I hate throwing my disability out as some kind of look how great I am card, but I am about to.

I made it in, despite the fact that I have balance problems, that my vision is significantly reduced by the glare caused by snow and the fact that I damaged the ligaments in my hip a few weeks ago and walking is still painful, walking on snow and ice was agony, yet I made it, well good for me!

Surely if you are paying £1500 to attend university, then you would want to turn up, and would commit, to have some dedication?

Its snow yet some people treat it like it is the end of the world!

Friends with benifits

2009-01-30T19:17:00.002Z

Now this I can safely say this post is not as X rated as its title may suggest, if only I was that lucky!

Recently student support at uni have been working with me to try and sort out a big, but infrequent problem.

Trips and off site activities keep being sprung on me, I am told for example the day before that I am going on a trip at 9am the next morning. Going to new places is very difficult, because if I don't know where I am going I cannot direct Gus and it becomes very difficult to get anywhere, I become more reliant on friends to show me where things are it makes trips that should be incredibly valuable learning experience incredibly stressful.

So what can be done, well I have tried talking to the faculty and my level one tutor who was less than helpful, the general consensus has been 'its going to happen in life, get over it'. Which is to an extent true, but when I am working as a full time journalist somewhere nice, I will get funding for support or use my own meticulous planning skills to the maximum avoiding the issue.

So anyway I'm working out the details with uni but it looks like we are going to implement a buddy system, only it can't be called a buddy system, it has to be something like orientation assistant instead.

Anyway what will this job be, essentially a friend that gets paid!

Now some might say it is a Little worrying that i have to pay someone to be my friend, but the way i see it is that if they are my friend anyway then they are getting paid to help me out like they do already, possibly a slightly odd dynamic but I think its a great idea.

See friends with benefits.

Climbing barriers repeatedly

2009-01-24T11:52:00.004Z

This year at university has been great, but filled with issues and problems and barriers to my learning.

It is important to mention at this point that there have been some fabulous people, and some committed and brilliant lecturers who never fail to meet my access needs and think of me in every circumstance.

Then there are those people who don't help at all, who for a time could not possibly produce a large print hand out for me... until of course they were reminded by me of a little something known as The DDA (Disability Discrimination Act). After that shocker people started getting me large print handouts, and copies of power point presentations as they happen so I actually know whats going on. (finally)

That was one major issue resolved for the most part, it took 8 weeks but hey-ho sorted now.

There have however been countless issues.... one after the other in a near constant stream. Every issue is another barrier for me to battle to clime over, wonky legs and all!

Climbing over these barriers and battling to insure that people understand, is quite frankly wearing me down.

Most of the issues I am facing could be avoided, a little extra planning could go a long way or a little organisation!

The most recent thing that has happened is the start of semester 2, it starts on Monday and I am expecting another bumpy ride at least in the beginning. The time table has completely changed, I have new staff teaching me and new rooms to find. All of this is going to throw up issues, I am expecting that there will be glitches and I am fine with that.

To try and smooth out issues before they happen I have asked that all my new lecturers see something called a 'faculty form'. Basically the faculty form states what ALL of my disabilities and conditions are, it states what I need in lessons and spells out the basics.

I would much rather people know that I am disabled before I walk through the door it allows them time to plan there lesson and avoids embarrassment.

Well I emailed the people concerned as a little don't forget to look at my faculty form, I have now received a email, that I was copied into from the faculty office with a word document that I produced at the begging of the year that concerns my visual impairment, I was at the time trying to simplify things purely relating to my VI.

Everyone always forgets my other conditions they may be marginally less significant than my Visual Impairment at this moment in time but that will not always be the case, I would rather people where prepared.

There was no mention of my bone condition (the wonky legs and hyper-mobile joints), the one that makes standing still in the same place for periods of time difficult, makes me wobble and makes stairs tricky.

There was no mention of my mental health, I may be in recovery right now but I am still receiving treatment on my way to being fully well again without medication.

I have come to the conclusion they either don't understand what my faculty form is, or that its filed away somewhere and they can't find it.

I don't get it the faculty form is the most basic and simple of things all I want is for all my lecturers to see it, surly it s not that difficult.

It may be wearing me down but I will just have to keep climbing over the barriers.

Can I also say a big thanks to all the people out there who have ever tried to remove an access barrier from any ones path, your actions make all the other barriers seem achievable and remind those of us who have to climb the barriers that there are people looking out for them.

Change will happen to ME

2009-01-23T21:08:00.004Z

It seems strange to be writing about change as I have just changed the layout of this blog, it seems to be creating a little sub theme, but the change I am referring to here is a life change.

It's at this point I need to mention Beth and her blog 'Screw Bronze'; I have been following Beth's blog ever since the start of the Ouch project and she is a truly fantastic example of a human being, if you do nothing else today just pop over to her blog and have a read. Her latest post titled 'Badminton, illness and change' has really hit me and helped me with a change I am getting to grips with right now.

As I am sure readers will be aware I have a bone condition in addition to being VI its that (not so) little thing that everyone ALWAYS forgets about, but trust me I never forget about it!

My condition has always been one that is likely to flare up and deteriorate over time, I have always known this but today I have come to a bit of a milestone.

After walking down The (EFFING) Eiffel Tower and then yesterday (just as things where improving) managing to slip over in the mud I am having a very serious flare up.

My left hip and knee take it in turns to be very painful and I am really struggling to balance.

I have hit the point I always knew would happen, it is time to obtain a walking stick.

This is for me a bit of a big thing, I am possibly being a bit pathetic but now the time has come I am finding it rather difficult.

People will see me and Gus and then a stick I'm worried about what will go through peoples heads, questions they might ask and the reactions of my friends, acquaintances and complete strangers.

Reading Beth's blog has made me realise, its just an adjustment to a new normal for me and everyone else, I have no need to feel self conscious or concerned about peoples perceptions and prejudices.

I am ME; a stunningly beautiful, 20 year old, independent. visually impaired woman who sometimes needs to use a stick to get about and more importantly I will not be ashamed of what I am.

OK its a change for me to think about using a stick, but it will only be a change for so long, and then it will become the norm, nothing will be different.

Paris- Day 3

2009-01-23T08:23:00.003Z

Day 3 was the last in Paris, my leg did not work to well still, and it hurt; so it was probably a good job it was our last day.

We left the hotel at 9 am and hopped on the coach to head down to Sacra cur - which means sacred heart and is honestly one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, from the outside. It sits on a hill with steps going up. I would have really liked to see it close up but I did not make it up all the stairs, getting as far up as I did on the hill did give me a really beautiful view of the streets.

I found a shop were I also found the cheapest Coke since I had been in France so I brought 2 and then we headed it off for coffee and I had a very nice expression.

At 12 we got back on the coach and headed back out of Paris, at 8PM we were back at uni.

Changes

2009-01-21T22:46:00.002Z

Well regular visitors of my blog that can actually see my blog (sorry blindys) will have noticed that today there have been a few changes, changes to the theme, and layout.

I felt it was time to change and wanted both my blogs (don't forget Guiding Gus) to look similar, I was also becoming aware that my blog was not very VI friendly.

With any luck the change of colour scheme and layout will be like a breath of fresh air.

For all those reading this via facebook it doesn't change a thing.

Oh and while I am talking about facebook, apologies to all my FB readers blogger and facebook appear to have gone a little crazy and somewhere in hyperspace it massively messes up the format of my posts, there is nothing I can do so live with it!

Paris- Day 2

2009-01-21T20:18:00.004Z

Day 2 was CRAZY we did so much in a seriously short space of time!

First off we got up thanks to my mobile phone at 7:15 am, and headed down for breakfast.

Breakfast was interesting, it consisted of croissants French sticks, boiled eggs ham and unidentified cheese that I was too scared to try. I had ham and croissants, the ham was gross, but the croissants where good so all was well.

About 9 ish we headed off to Notre Damme on the coach, the weather was not good but even still the cathedral looked beautiful, but dark VERY dark. I took loads of pictures of the place and the stained glass windows that are beautiful, and its all completely symmetrical, there is so much to say about it, we went on a tour and where told about all the carvings and paintings and the main features of the building it was really really great!

Then we went on a boat trip.... I don't really remember much of it because I fell asleep and couldn't actually work out which way to look and when I did couldn't see it anyway! Nothing personal Paris I just don't like boat trips!

Then we went to a museum of cinema... which was good but dark and a bit boring, and I didn't like that they had a Video playing showing various animals being dropped from a great height to see how they landed and IF they got back up!

We then went outside and checked out the very random GIANT Mexican man outside the museum.

We then went to the nearest metro station and went shopping, we where let lose and went in search of much needed food. We found the most gross looking kebab shop the world has ever seen and are very lucky not to have food poisoning.

Then we headed back on the metro to go to The Eiffel tower. We arrived slightly late because of the train and headed over to security.

For the first time EVER I managed to get through the security metal detector thing without setting it off, I'm so proud of myself.

We then went up The Eiffel tower, I am scared of heights but have been up the Berlin TV tower and the London eye and been fine with it so I thought I would be OK.

However when we got on the first level high up I decided I was not fine with it! I stood holding on to the metal thing and did not go anywhere near the edge!

I was terrified but still wanted to go to the top so I could say I had done it, so I headed up in the lift with everyone else, all the way to the top, I quickly decided to wait inside slightly lower down and hang on to a handrail and wait for everyone to come down. we then meandered for a bit and went down the first lift.

We then went and joined the cue for the second lift that takes you from there all the way to ground level.

It broke.

I had to walk down The (EFFING) Eiffel tower, in the dark, with my lack of balance, non existent night vision and vertigo. All rounded off by a strong wind.

I was terrified and inside my head completely unsure whether I would actually make it down, my bone condition makes going down stairs physically very difficult and often painful so I tend to avoid where possible. There where also thoughts of falling down ALL the stairs to my painful twisted death.

I was shaking all over which did not help my balance every now and then we hit a dark patch where there was absolutely no light meaning I could not see the steps at all, we would then turn a corner and the lights would all be shining in my face, it was incredibly difficult.

At this point I need to commend Tom C for being a complete hero/star/generally fab and staying with me, being incredibly patient and keeping me calm. I seriously could not have done it on my own, and Tom was really calm!

Tom You are Great!

At the half way ish stage we bumped into Paul who found me a seat to sit on, I think by this point I was rather white and I know from my perspective that I was shaking all over very violently and that the world was spinning.

The second half of the journey down was bad, there where occasional spiral stairs and the lighting situation got even worse, my world continued to spin and I ended up clinging on to both the handrail and Paul.

Then what seemed like hours later I made it down, and sat down on a concrete cube for a few moments to recover.... and got several hugs.

The rest of the group headed up to the restaurant I think I may have been a little short with someone who asked me if I was OK, I wasn't and thought it was a stupid question, I'm sorry to this person! I also remember that someone called my Jemma Brown MBE but I can't remember who or why? Its all a bit a blur and if anyone can fill me in feel free!

Then Tom me and a few of the Lecturers who I think where a bit worried I was going to pass out headed to the restaurant.

I was still shaking and my left leg was strangely numb, or shaking, or painful I am not really sure which and I very nearly fell over as a result.

Again in leaps Super Tom who let me hang on to dear life to his shoulder while I staggered to the restaurant.

I was still feeling rather nauseous and spinning by the time I got there sat down and ordered spag bol.

We then headed back to the hotel on the metro, again Super Tom's shoulder came in very handy as I could not really walk very well, oh and going on the metro meant going up and down more stairs, which gave me more vertigo.

I was a wobbly wreck by the time I got back to the hotel so simply headed off to bed.

Paris- Day 1

2009-01-19T19:21:00.002Z

Well I am back from Paris and I am alive -those will probably be the most interesting part of this post but I wanted to divide the trip up into individual days, so for the really interesting bits check in for day 2 when I write it!

Day 1 was the day of travel basically we spent most of it on the coach and then went off to the louvre to try and find food and see the art.

We where on the coach for hours and the euro tunnel train for ages which was boring I was listening to an excellent book and then shock of shocks my headphones broke! I wold seriously recommend Dawn French's book of memoirs named Dear Fatty!

We left the hotel in the dark and travelled on the Metro which is the French equivalent tot the underground

We didn't have to long in the louvre as we got there about 1 hour before closing and they start to empty the place 30 minutes before that.

I just had enough time to do the recording I did for my radio piece, and then go in search of food.

The only food I managed to find was a Star bucks and that had sold out of everything pretty much, so it was an apple muffin for dinner.

I did my radio piece and unfortunately I don't think it worked to well as my headphones broke, and at some point I must have knocked the input level dial so a lot of it has distorted. I have not listened to it in full yet but it does not sound good!

Difficulties

2009-01-14T01:09:00.003Z

It's not been the easiest of weeks back and first off I should explain why I have not yet posted about the models of disability as I promised a few weeks back via the joy that is Facebook!

I had 2 big deadlines on Monday of this week so the majority of my time has been spent on that, I have started the post on the models of disability, but as it is a complex topic with many areas of debate I wish to make sure what I do upload is balanced and honest yet informed so I shall not be rushing it!

So far this week has not been a particularly good one, on Saturday (as many people will already know) my toaster blew up, which is devastating, being the independent woman that I am I got my mum to buy me a new one and she is bringing it down on Thursday!

Then literally minutes later my computer mouse stopped working, its fine again now but it was very frustrating! (and rather random)

I also feel the need to portray that I am sitting here writing this at 1AM because there is a drip on my roof, dripping more than once a second and making a great deal of noise, I would really love to be asleep, but its constant and very irritating; aside from that there seems to be an incredibly large number of drunk people about which is not helping matters. I start work at 9AM this morning I don't think I will get much sleep.

I don't like writing to much about my course but I feel I have to, of late things have not been going to well, actually there have been a lot of glitches regarding my inclusion.

The university is very inclusive as an organisation, and does a very good job of promoting diversity and inclusion. It is now not only the place where I study but my employer, which I think says a lot about the place.

So far the inclusion on the course itself has not been great, I think unfortunately this is down to peoples attitudes, lack of consideration and the general disorganisation of the faculty I am in.

There have been countless problems, It took me pointing out to a lecturer that he was in breach of the DDA (disability discrimination act) meaning I was within my right to take legal action for him to produce a large print handout, I should not have to do that, it should not take 6 weeks of me repeatedly telling everyone and then me losing my temper to get is sorted out.

There have been numerous issues over course content, I have had to endure attempting to create a visual design scrapbook which is as inaccessible to a visually impaired person as its name suggests.

I have sat in lessons for 2 hours doing nothing because I cannot use the video editing software that is used, it would have been a better use of time to sit at home doing work instead of sitting in a room with no alternative given and simply being told we would be working in groups so I would not need to edit.

I had a trip to court on Monday, which I was told about on Friday not giving me enough time to book note taking assistance, leaving me incredibly venerable, anxious and generally like a confidence sieve.

I, and my needs have been forgotten on countless occasions.

We are in the last week of semester 1 and have just come back from the christmas break but already I have had issues, and the member of staff I booked a meeting with was less than supportive, I seriously wanted to cry (and very nearly did).

I am not indestructible things do get to me, I do get warn down by the continuous flow of issues and right now If you cannot already tell by the tone of this latest blog entry I am not happy.

I am fed up of speaking out alone about these issues-others witness but do not act, I am fed up of the lack of understanding or even the lack of willingness to understand.

I have had enough!

Review of 2009 > Hopes for 2009

2009-01-01T20:42:00.003Z

It's 2009 so I wanted to wish all readers a happy new year and wish you all a happy, healthy year filled with great stuff!

I also thought I should write some kind of reflection on 2008 and my hopes for 2009, so here it goes.

2008 started with a new relationship, which at the time was fantastic, however 6 months later it became very apparent that it was wrong for both of us to continue how we where, we where in hindsight simply too different; that was the end of that. At the time devastating but now it was the right thing to happen.

The first half of the year was pretty mundane, I was ticking over at college, with a unconditional offer I didn't NEED to be there, naturally motivation to continue diminished, leaving me running at tick over, putting in lots of effort was pointless.

Of course lets not forget that for the first half of the year I was in the deep, darkness of major depression trying to find an anti-depressant that worked for me and wondering if I would ever be the same person again. I went on some horrible meds in this time that made me ill or seemed to improve my condition for a few weeks and then caused me to drop back down with a big bump, I remained on the end of a very long waiting list for further treatment on the NHS, and felt rubbish!

Eventually my fantastic (now former) GP got me on the right medication for me, everyone is different and it takes time to find these things, but things started to look up.

Then in May I got a phone call that has completely changed my life, a call form Guide Dogs to say they thought they had a match for me, the match of course being Gus who you will all know the story of.

At the end of June, begging of July Gus and I trained and my life changed hugely for the better, he really is guide dog of the year material!

Not only did this mark the start of me and my boy it marked the end of college and time to start preparing for the move to university, big but positive changes where afoot.

September saw the start of university which is fantastic, breaking news day which was utterly terrifying but probably good, and meeting all the new people. Gus and I continue to have a fantastic time at univeristy, I think Gus sometimes wishes there where more dogs at university to play with but over all he loves it.

( HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY NEW UNI BUDDIES!! see you Monday.)

Sadly 2008 also saw the end of my guest blogging for Ouch! I hope to be able to do more stuff with the team in the future but for now I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities they gave me as a teenager with no idea what to do with there life they helped me to find my path and follow it!

So what about 2009?

I have many hopes for the year, my first of which is to try and be less of a complete wuss, I need to have more confidence in my writing ability, not something that can be done over night by anymeans but a year should be a start.

I hope to be off my anti-depressants by the end of 2009, I am now in recovery but the medication I am on is rather a high dose and highly addictive, so this is more of a challenge than it may seem to some, I am determined to get there and hope that 2009 will see me in a true state of recovery!

I hope Gus has a healthier new year, that is accident free and good for him.

I all ready have a lot of things planned for the new year, lots of which you will probably hear about here first so I would also like to take a moment to thank you all for reading this crap!

Guitar hero for the DS (lite) review

2008-12-25T22:44:00.004Z

Initial impressions look good; the grip that controls the game play looks solid and securely fits against then hand. However I found to securely fit the grip to my hand using the Velcro strap it was best to hold the grip without the DS attached.

One you are comfortably attached to the grip it is then simply (with the DS lite) the case of inserting the connecter into the game boy advanced slot.

Then your ready to start, wait where’s the pic? This was my other issue, I keep putting on the grip without taking the pic out of its holder, it is then slightly tricky to remove the pic in situ but it’s a minor issue.

Game play at first seems impossible, although the in game tutorials are a great help.

In easy mode it was possible to complete all 25 of the stages within about 4 hours. The easy mode does not however utilise all the keys, the blue key (for a right handed user this is the blue key) is left to one side. Easy mode is not challenging but gives you that warm fuzzy feeling that you have within 4 hours completed the game in the first mode!

All other levels (medium, hard and expert) use all 4 keys including the dreaded blue key.

This is where the pain sets in!

In honesty the game puts you in a completely unnatural position, forcing you to perform repetitive movements, that are equally unnatural.

Pain is inevitable, there are a few in game tips on avoiding the dreaded repetitive strain injury (RSI or should that be DSI!) but in reality there is little you can do.

From the options menu it is possible to select lefty mode, this flips the screens so that the console can be held the other way up with the left hand strumming and the right hand in the grip. When the pain set in I attempted to play in lefty mode, which for me as a right-handed person was impossible. Moral of the story, don’t try and be left-handed if you are not.

Over all the game is highly addictive, the increasing difficulty levels drag you in and keep you hooked, as soon as you start you don’t want to stop. That is of course until the pain becomes too much and you are forced to stop as you can no longer press the buttons. On a serious note the safety of this game does concern me, I followed all of the health and safety suggestions and all I can say is my hand hurts and my little finger does not want to work.

Merry christmas one and all!

2008-12-24T00:17:00.002Z

I just really wanted to wish all the readers of DOAM a vary merry festive season, no matter what it is your celebrating or if your not!

So anyway its Christmas eve tomorrow and I shall be spending vast amounts of time rapping everyone's presents, as I generally haven’t yet.

I'm like a very immature big kid at Christmas I love it, and as usual I am very excited I love the whole thing with presents and can honestly say I like watching other people opening their presents probably more than my own and seeing how pleased they are with what I brought time. (Hopefully)

Of course the sheer excitement of not knowing what is wrapped in the shiny paper is all to much for me, I love shiny things because they are really easy to see and catch the eye so all the wrapping paper gets me very excited as soon as I see a present I want to open it!

I have to also confess that I have brought myself a little Christmas present in the form of a very shiny and very lime green trimmed cricket bat. Its a very nice but not to expensive Kookaburra bat with lime green livery and grip, so hopefully when it is on the sidelines I will be able to find it easily, also it was available with a long handle and choice of weights so that is also good, it will probably be waiting for me back at halls. The only slight downside is that I will be missing the next training session because I will be in Paris so I don’t get to give it a spin for 2 months!

Cricket video

2008-12-20T22:29:00.003Z

my dad has just revealed that he took a video of me practising batting at blind cricket so here it is. He did not know how the zoom worked so i shall inform you that I am the pink thing.

I heart blind cricket!

2008-12-20T21:23:00.001Z

I’m happy, I just came back from blind cricket and it was really good.

As you may already know I am a very sporty person despite being very unfit and all my bone issues.

Anyway cricket today was really good, I did really well, I really struggle with bowling, and I’m not really strong enough to throw the ball the entire length of the crease. So this time rather than trying and solely focusing on trying to get the ball to the target, the coach told me to come about 4 feet further forward, so I did.

The result was amazing! I got 2 bowlers out and was 100% more accurate. Now I am forgetting about my pride and shall just move forward!

My batting was also really consistent which was good, we did not score many runs in my partnership but we both where hitting well.

So I think I have found my sports calling, there is still a very special place in my heard for woman’s football but its not something I can compete in.

I love cricket, I do however currently have a slight problem I have not got my own bat, so this means I use my clubs bats, there bats are perfectly adequate and fine but it does mean I get a different bat each time I play, I might use say 4 in a session.

This is a bit of a problem as it means I am using bats that are different weights, are different sizes and have different grips and handle lengths.

That means it makes batting really difficult as all cricket players will know all of the things I have mentioned will affect my batting posture and swing.

So I am now saving up to buy a bat, I need one that is standard size with a long handle I have decided so I will be shopping around for either a really cheap one or a second hand one or one in a sale. Probably can’t afford to buy a new one although that would be nice.

Disability Discrimination-it's still happening

2008-12-18T21:49:00.003Z

Today I went out for a lovely meal with one of my very best friends, we had a great time and it was very nice over in Gunwarf Quays this evening. There was a brass band playing Christmas hymns lights up everywhere and a generally nice Christmas atmosphere. However all of my Christmas spirit disappeared thanks to a security guard.

I was in Boots in Gunwarf, when the security guard asked me to leave, repeatedly. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, I was stood with my friend looking at toothbrushes, and Gus was sitting at my side good as gold.

The security Guard came over and pointed at Gus and said ‘not allowed in here’, his English was by all accounts terrible. I explained that Gus is a Guide dog and that he is allowed in shops, the security guard, either did not understand or simply ignored me pointed again and said ‘not allowed in here’.

At this point I informed the guard that he was breaking the law and asked to speak to the manager. He said that the manager was not there and walked off.

This is the first time I have ever been asked to leave a shop, and it was because of one member of staff’s complete lack of disability awareness.

It really upset me, big time; I was shaking with a mixture of anger and sorrow at the time. I will be phoning the manager tomorrow morning to inform her of what has happened.

It really hit home also that I know some Guide Dog owners face this kind of discrimination every day, everyday they are stopped from going about there business by peoples complete lack of understanding.

Given all the press coverage that The Disability Discrimination Act (DDA) has got all over Brittan and the steps that companies have to take to make sure there services are accessible I am disgusted.

This example proves that disability discrimination is still a problem in the UK.

Asking me to leave with my guide dog is just the same as asking a wheelchair user to leave their wheelchair outside.

As a major chain Boots should know better, they should be training all their staff in all aspects of The DDA. Furthermore their staff should be able to communicate in and understand English, as I am sure this contributed to the issue I faced today.

Well there we have it a day ruined by the misunderstanding of one person.

I am a very passionate campaigner for disability rights and do all I possibly can to educate people on my own disability so that hopefully they can gain a better understanding of the barriers faced by people who are VI.

I thought we had moved on passed the stage where people are regularly removed from shops due to the presence of an assistance dog, apparently I am mistaken.

Panic over

2008-12-16T18:28:00.002Z

Well panic over as of last night our internet connection and phone line are back up and running, I hear however we are the lucky ones as many people still have no phone line.

Really put into perspective how much I use the internet for everything, I was without connection for 2 days and struggled to cope.

Signing off!

2008-12-13T17:23:00.002Z

I'm heading into the dark age abyss that is Gosport at the moment.

Don't get be wrong I really enjoy going back home and seeing all the people and places I know, catching up with friends, dog walks and a coffee by the sea, but recent events have plunged Gosport back into the dark ages.

Some cretins have been going around Gosport in a no doubt dirty white van stealing peoples phone cables. My house is one of around eight thousand that has been affected.

Some would say this is the credit crunch rearing its ugly head, forcing people into desperate measures around Christmas.

I'm understandably annoyed by this I don't mean to sound in any way patronising but it has left my disabled mum without a phone line or internet connection for 14 days I think it is now.

I really can't think how someone that has gone around stealing phone cables just before christmas can live with there self. Its a horrible crime that has no doubt left thousands of possibly venerable people without a working phone, for many cheesy as it sounds it may be their lifeline.

BT have said they hope to have all the faults fixed and working again by Christmas day

On a different level it has pissed me off and will leave me rather disconnected with the online world I know and love so much so for possibly quite a long time this is Jemma Brown signing off!

I GOT A JOB

2008-12-05T23:08:00.002Z

Ok excuse me for being incredibly hyper about this but wow I have managed to get myself a job.

Not only that but it’s a job I am feeling incredibly positive about; you are indeed reading the words of a volunteering ambassador!

I start in January and I am just so pleased about it.

Lets look at my employment history, its not great I have had one paid job which was the summer after my GCSE exams secured by my dad working in an office.

For every job I have ever applied for which must have been hundreds until now I received a negative response.

I had until now never had an interview for a job or anything. So my first interview for a job and what happens I get the job.

I have written on here about discrimination and the potential ways in which employers can avoid the disability discrimination act (DDA) previously and I am very pleased to report that I think maybe times are changing, maybe the DDA is having an effect, or maybe I am being naive

Ive done 76 out of the 132 stupid things (but I might have got the math wrong!)

2008-12-01T21:13:00.003Z

Do this and repost it with the title:
I've done X out of the 132 stupid things.

(I'm not quite sure how some of these things are stupid, but never mind!)

Level 1
(x ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 3

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 5

Level 3
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x ) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 8

Level 4
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
(x) Been To Paris (i'm going in January so it counts)
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 11

Level 5
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
( ) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
( ) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 11

Level 6
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Can't Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 15

Level 7
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 20

Level 8
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledging
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game (the game WAS Cheat...)
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 25

Level 9
( ) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 25

Level 10
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 27

Level 11
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
( ) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 29

Level 12
( ) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
( ) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 30

Level 13
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 34

Level 14
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 38

Level 15
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke (does Guitar Hero and Rock Band count?!)
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 43

Level 16
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
( ) Made Prank Phone Calls
( ) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 44

Level 17
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
( ) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 47

Level 18
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Travelled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
( ) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey (WTF?!)

SO FAR: 48

Level 19
( ) Worn Pearls (I don't suppose they were real)
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Ridden an elephant

SO FAR:49

Level 20
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube/ Ice Lolly
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 52

Level 21
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
( ) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
( ) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 53

Level 22
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 58

Level 23
(x) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Visited Jail

SO FAR: 59

Level 24
( ) Played Chicken
( ) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 62

Level 25
( ) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
( ) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 64

Level 26
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
( ) French Braided Someone's Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping (not since I was a kid, mind you!)
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 70

Level 28
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 72

Level 29
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 76

Level 30
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
( ) Flattened someone's tyres
( ) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
( ) Got five quid or less worth of gas

TOTAL: 76

sleep

2008-11-30T13:31:00.002Z

I came home so I could get some good uninterrupted quality sleep.

I did not sleep!

What is worse is that i think I no why, I usually take my lovely antidepressant every morning, yesterday I forgot and took it about 8 PM .

I was still awake at 5 am this morning.

I feel really crap today!

Scrapbooking THIS POST CONTAINS LANGUAGE THAT SOME PEOPLE MY FIND OFFENSIVE

2008-11-27T02:19:00.002Z

In the last few weeks I have discovered that there is indeed a new type of craft activity that I dislike, it is the art of the scrapbook.

I will say right now from the start that I have always been rubbish at anything vaguely artistic or crafty.

I’m a Guide leader that hates craft activities, which may well be a rarity.

My lack of talent in the craft department is not something that I’m really bothered about. Lets face it everyone is crap at something; some people are crap at lots of things. I’m crap at any activity requiring pens, pencils, wool, glue, glitter, fuzzy felt, paint or any other craft material.

As a child at school it used to bother me that my painting was not as good as anyone else’s, or that my roman chariot looked like a penguin- now I’m fine with my crapness I accept and love it as an individual feature of me.

My lack of crafty artisticness does occasionally cause me frustration. I can’t sow for example which is a relatively common skill that the vast majority of the population possesses. It is also a skill I find people assume I can do, I’m not entirely sure whether that is some deep routed stereotype that every woman in the land can sow, o the fat that I am a guide leader. Either way people are often shocked when it arises that I cannot sow. Even my totally blind mother can hand sow and does the majority of my sowing, so its not even that I can say its because of my disability I’m just crap at it!

So anyway I went off on a bit of a tangent there I am currently involved in a project that requires me to make a scrapbook.

Scrapbooking I have recently discovered is both an activity I do not particularly enjoy, one that I find very difficult and that realistically I am crap at. (After all making a scrapbook requires craft skills)

I can also conclude that scrapbooking is also a dangerous activity; I have indeed sustained a scrapbook injury.

Whilst cooking on Monday evening I burnt my thumb, it was quite a nasty one there was the sizzle and the smell of burning flesh, still there was no blood and after some time under the cold tap all was well until….

Later on in the evening whilst adding to my scrapbook I got UHU on my burn.

For those that don’t know UHU is a solvent-based glue that can stick anything.

I used UHU because its good at sticking things together as its very sticky but when it dries I can peel off the large amounts of it that I get all over the place.

Unfortunately getting it on the area of burnt flesh and subsequently peeling it off was not good.

In short I peeled off the glue and a lot of skin came off with it. (That does not normally happen)

Lesson learned don’t attempt to do anything crafty if you already know you are crap at it.

Ouch! The Streets, and a bit about me

2008-11-09T20:13:00.005Z

[Wow yet again it appears to be quite some time since I last blogged, I really am getting lazy so am as of now going to commit to keeping my blog up to date.]

Ouch!

I have no excuses now for not keeping the blog up to date, the Ouch! Guest blogging program has been put to an end with the redesign of there website, so I am no longer writing for Ouch! I still have a webcam that technically belongs to them so you may well see me on Ouch! again in the future.

Talking of Ouch! they have recently re designed there website and I would encourage anyone involved in web design to go and take a look at what a fully accessible website CAN look like.

Lots of websites these days claim to be accessible to people that are visually impaired by offering the option of changing the text size, however in most cases this completely messes with the page layout text becomes crowded and overlaps other areas of text and usually becomes unreadable, the Ouch! website with its new design is fabulous!

The Streets

Ok a band I'm really loving at the moment would have to be The streets, for anyone that has not heard there audio album offering I would seriously recommend it there album, is titled 'Everything is borrowed’ It’s really worth a listen. One of the, I think lesser-known tracks on the album is this one the lyrics of which I have copied and pasted especially for you!

The strongest person I know - The Streets

One of the first things about you I did see

Is that you verse your views quietly

When nature verses truths I get violent feelings

But softly time will reply that's wise

A delicate gesture of why you see

The best route through this being right through here

But met with a cute blind snide of fear

Best to go along with their idea

But , you gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

You gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

After taking the worst route, blatantly

Bang on cue we manage losing way

But in a squirmy backed and screwed up way

They actually managed passing you the blame

With that mad man wrapped with rage

Even then your temper stays exactly the same

And in that manner is the manner you stay

Beautiful person that's happily unchanged

You gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

You gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

In the heat of speech

Your words improve

Right out of reach in my stirred up words

But every time they f**king blurt out drool

I’m noticing they're all learning from you

Cos even though they know they cursed you

They should’ve admitted that they were fools

The next time they're wanting to work things through

The very first person they turn to is you

Cos you gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

You gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

You gently take things slowly

You softly bowl them over

That’s the delicate way you’ve shown me

You’re the strongest person I know

On a personal level

Well how am I? Now there is an intriguing question! I have had a few problems of late with my existing bone condition; in short my knee is playing up quite substantially. Approximately 2 years ago now I had a seriously large amount of physiotherapy on the knee in question, the effects of which would appear to have completely worn off. So here I am again feeling old beyond my years and in pain. I have now seen a doctor who has unfortunately not done a lot about it other than give me a prescription for 5 lots of Tubigrip and painkillers.

My problem with this is that its not going to sort out the long term issue (I am aware that nothing will do this completely), painkillers can become addictive and don’t alleviate all the pain very often and Tubigrip is fine as a temporary thing but the way the doctor suggested I should start wearing it all the time. This is a problem because Tubigrip is very flexible and elastic, it does not stay where it is put and with the knee joint in particular it creases up in the bend of the knee and digs in causing more pain.

Technicalities aside it is still essentially the same thing my bone condition and joints deteriorating, I’m not going to try and be upbeat about it, I’m going to be honest and say it’s a real blow, particularly as I have just started playing blind cricket again.

Other than all that I am doing ok, at the moment struggling slightly with a complete lack of creativity but I will get through that.

It could be worse

I keep reminding myself of this little mantra

It could be worse

University begins

2008-10-04T14:36:00.003+01:00

University life has begun I'm two weeks in now and thought I would share with you all the slide presentation that somebody made of our breaking news day.

Breaking news day was a mock up terrorist attack on a gas storage facility in Warsash! We interviewed eye witnesses, attended a press conference and then rushed back to produce the finished article.

Gus and I are settling in well to university life, unfortunately Gus has had a bit of a bumpy start and is at the moment temporally out of action but enjoying putting his paws up with nanny and granddad!

About me

2008-08-31T13:08:00.003+01:00

I was recently asked to write a piece all about me and disability, the scope was to challenge perceptions and raise awareness of visual impairment, this is what I came up with.

About me
By Jemma Brown

Hi I’m Jemma I’m 19 and about to start at Solent University to study journalism. I currently live in Gosport although I will be moving into halls in a few weeks with my guide dog Gus. I have multiple disabilities including visual impairment and a mild mobility impairment. I have the philosophy that I can do pretty much anything, it may take me longer, I may do it in a different way and it may be more difficult but I will do it. This is all about my disability and how it affects my day to day life.

The eye stuff

The eye starts to develop from 12 weeks of pregnancy, when my eyes where developing they did so with a cataract, this damaged them in many different ways, leaving me with a collection of eye conditions. I was diagnosed as having eye problems when I was 8 weeks old I then had my first operation to remove the cataracts at 11 weeks.

My mum also has the eye condition as it runs in her side of the family, although she has considerably less vision than me. I also have a blind aunt and a partially sighted cousin.

Throughout my childhood my vision varied, at one stage it was thought that I may one day have enough useful vision to drive, however that was not the case.

Because of the cataracts the pupil in my eye did not develop as it should have. I had surgery when I was younger to make my pupils bigger as they where too small. As a result of the surgery my pupils cannot get bigger or smaller to adjust to changing lighting conditions. This means my vision is considerably worse in the sun and when there is not much light.

When I was 11 my eye condition deteriorated, as a result of the surgery I had when I was younger, the fluid inside the eye ball was not draining away properly causing increased pressure in the eye. This is known as glaucoma and is relatively rare in people my age. The build up of pressure inside the eye can damage the optic nerve leading to irreparable loss of vision. To attempt to control the pressure inside the eye I was put on medication, and have been on several different treatments.

Unfortunately in May of this year the pressure inside my eye was found to be higher than it should be, up until that point my glaucoma had been under control and stable for the last 4 years.

As mentioned earlier I have quite an extensive collection of eye conditions (I’m greedy!), so I’m going to give you a brief run down:

Nystagmus - involuntary eye movement. My eyes often wobble without my control, I don’t normally even notice. It produces some very interesting photographs though!

Photophobia- excessive sensitivity to light. (NOT the fear of light) I am dazzled by light; car headlights, reflections, street lights and the sun all make it more difficult to see. I have done A level acting so am used to working under bright lights when I can’t see a thing. Having Gus has really helped me to be able to get out and about in the sun or when it is dark. The annoying thing about photophobia is that it’s a no win situation, can’t see in the sun and can’t see at night because of all the lights that are around! (Clubbing can be an interesting experience)

Squint- a squint is when they eye appears to be ‘stuck’ in one position. For me this meant that I was severely cross eyed as a child, I had surgery and eye patch therapy to correct this, but my eyes often turn inwards. This is linked to Nystagmus, because the muscles in my eyes are weak and under developed.

Corneal oedema- excess fluid in the cornea causing it to become cloudy. I have to confess that I actually don’t know very much about this one as I was only diagnosed with it in May of this year. It can be caused by glaucoma or previous cataract surgery. Right now it is relatively mild in my case and sometimes causes me to have blurry vision.

Glaucoma- excessive pressure with in the eye leading to optic nerve damage.

Cataracts- the clouding of the lens.

So what can I actually see? There is no simple answer to that question. The vision in my right eye is not very good most of the time I can just see fuzz. With my right eye I can read the top letter of the eye chart from 2 feet away. Fortunately my left eye is a lot better than that. In perfect lighting conditions I can get quite a long way down the eye chart. My vision varies immensely, for example I can hardly see anything at all outside when it is sunny or dark.

I have issues with perception of distance because I have one eye doing most of the work. So I often misjudge gaps, bumping into door frames is a regular activity. Having rubbish perception of distances means that I am very uncoordinated and clumsy.

I also find it difficult to recognise people, don’t take it personally when you next speak to me and I have no idea who you are. Life would be a lot easier if everyone who spoke to me did so by starting off saying their name and how I know them.

The bone stuff

I have a slight mobility impairment because I have odd joints! I have hypermobility syndrome meaning that a lot of my joints have a larger range of movement than they should have. The main downside of this is that I have some very weak joints and sprain things quite easily, although I have some amazing party tricks with the odd things some of my joints can do! I also have some misalignment issues with the lower half of my body; I have twisted hips, a twisted pelvis and twisted tibias (tibial torsion). That’s a bit of a mouthful but all it really means is that my knees ankles and hips are not lined up properly so I have a few issues with them. The main problem that causes is going down stairs, I’m fine going up but I find going down stairs quite tricky and I lack balance.

About my life

My independence is incredibly important to me. At this stage in my life there are still things I find difficult and there are times when I have to ask other people to help me to do something, but I try to be as independent as possible. Reading is possibly the area where I need the most assistance from other people, its not that I can’t read, it’s that I can’t read ‘standard’ size print. The font size I use most of the time is 18 with a really bold typeface.

I think that having a disability gives me potentially better problems solving skills than a person without visual impairment. I am always coming up with adaptive ways for me to be able to do something. Usually the best solution is also the simplest, whilst on my duke of Edinburgh expedition I put pieces of blue tack on the compass to allow me to do bearings – simple but effective.

My independence whilst out and about has improved greatly since I got my guide dog Gus. Gus is my first guide dog and goes everywhere with me, he is great as he often guides me around obstacles that I don’t even notice. Gus also really enjoys finding things like crossing buttons, doors and bus stops; I can now also go out knowing that I am not going to bump into anything!

As previously mentioned I am a full time student and I am about to go to university to study for a degree in journalism. When I’m not studying I can usually be found out and about somewhere, I play a Paralympic sport called goalball as well as blind cricket. I’m a really sporty person and I enjoy going to the gym and playing most sports, I like playing and sometimes watching football, badminton, tennis and cricket. I will be the first to admit that I am rubbish at most sport due to a complete lack of coordination but I still enjoy taking part.

I am also a (apprentice) Guide leader currently working with girls and young woman ageing from ten to fifteen years old. Guiding is something that I really enjoy I have helped to run various camping events and also taken a team of girls to complete in a county football event. Being a guide leader gives me the opportunity to be a big kid taking part in carnivals and all kinds of activities. Through guiding I have done kayaking, archery, rifle shooting, rock climbing, abseiling, skiing, sailing… the list is endless. When I am not out having fun with the Guides I also work as an adviser on visual impairment at national level, I have helped to write a book on including people with disability’s in guiding activities. As well as delivering disability awareness training.

When I am not doing all of the above I also manage my websites and blog for the BBC’s disability website Ouch! Writing is something that I really enjoy and I hope to do a lot more of in the future, I am also hoping to harass the lovely people at Ouch! for some work experience!

As you may have gathered I am a very active person and I do not like to let my disability get in the way of what I want to do in life, I probably want the same things out of life as any other person regardless of disability. I think it is important to challenge people’s perceptions of disability and that many of the barriers people with disabilities face can be overcome, quite often it is other people’s attitudes that provide the biggest barrier for a person with a disability.

Well I passed

2008-08-18T15:42:00.002+01:00

I have indeed passed all the AS and A levels I took this year at college, I also passed my level one British sign language which was good.

Gus came with me to pick up my results and was a bit hit with everyone we had a few photos of us taken which may be used in college publications.

Finally my DSA application is all sorted, I had problems because the equipment I need came about 2 thousand pounds over budget, but luckily some items have been changed a little bit and swapped around and it all now comes in budget and is being delivered in a few weeks.

I can't wait to get my 15.4 inch macbook pro!

Fashion advice!

2008-07-28T20:39:00.004+01:00

OK I have done something I promised myself I would never do!

I have brought myself some proper blindy fit over cover all sunglasses.

Now in the picture on the website they did not look too bad there are in plum which is supposedly a purple colour, and they had a kind of fade down kind of effect so there where dark at the top and slightly lighter at the bottom. now in reality they are a VERY VERY dark grey with a hint of puple, not quite the shade I was expecting but that aside I need to know can I get away with wearing them in public or do they look seriously bad on me!

This is a serious question so please be brutally honest this is me asking for YOUR fashion advice!

So here's the picture

Fed up of number crunching

2008-07-25T22:48:00.002+01:00

Well joy of all joys my DSA budget for technology to help with my course has gone WAAAAY over budget I have spent the last 2 days trying to work out what I can delete of the list of things I need, downsize or try and persuade uni to purchase.

It's supposed to be easy but no, it couldn't just run smoothly this is me we are talking about.

On top of that I have to find insurance for all the stuff that the DSA is paying for and get quotes. (luckily the LEA pays for the insurance of the equipment) its really complicated because lots of the stuff is really specialised to me as a Visually Impaired person, I'm filling out forms trying to work out if a talking spell checker come under computer equipment or portable electronics. its of course the same for the CCTV (video magnifier) talking dictaphone etc. I also have to take out a separate insurance policy for all of my belongings so its all really complicated.

I have had enough!

It's been a while

2008-06-29T20:43:00.002+01:00

Wow the gaps between my posting seem to get longer and longer, sorry!

Everything is a little mad right now, I have just come out of a relationship, I have to say it was the longest relationship I have ever had lasting a grand total of 6 months (just), it's taken me some time to adjust to being free and single again and get my head around are split, but in a way I'm pleased it happened now and not further on down the line. Really it’s the best thing for both of us because I'm busy training with Gus and I think he needs some time to sort his life out before he ends up wasting it!

So right now I'm sitting in a hotel room in Southampton that has been my home for the last week and will be my home for a further week, along with Gus my soon to be fully qualified guide dog. The training is tough in a variety of ways but we are both baring up really well, although Gus appears to have developed a slight cough.

The other people on the class are a little older than me and both have kids my age, but we all get on really well and have laugh about getting scrambled egg in our eye and having to have a bath after breakfast because I have spilt so much of mine all over me! We also have a great laugh about all the mad things our dogs do and great lengthy conversations about spending routines and anal glands over breakfast lunch and dinner.

The trainer is an apprentice GDMI and she is absolutely fabulous we all have great laugh and the atmosphere on class is amazing and very relaxed which makes us all nice and chilled and better dog handlers!

I was supposed to hear about halls by Friday and be told about my room allocation but I have not heard anything yet and apparently my final exam result for BSL should be through but I have not heard about that either so I'm waiting on the post!

some news and other useless information for your reading pleasure

2008-06-08T23:50:00.004+01:00

Well first up I absolutely feel it is necessary to declare my extreme hate and disgust at my computer! For no apparent reason it is running slower and slower everyday it seems and I am battling against continuous crashes, freezes and general slowness!

The usual defragment's and disk clean-ups don't seem to be having an impact, I even removed a whole gigabyte of data from it and its still not speeding up, I fear its coming to the end of its life.

I have been trying to do a project using Windows Movie Maker this evening and it has crashed twice already, I have now given up on what I was trying to do after it got to the point where I had to unplug the computer and boot it up again!

So I'm here updating this, for your reading pleasure and about time too! Its probably karma telling me to vent to you all about the crapness of the technological situation!
(if there are any large computer manufactures out there I would like it to be known that all donations are great fully received!)

The huge moan aside the real reason I wanted to write was because I found out on Friday that training with Gus is defiantly going ahead and that we will be training residentially in a very posh hotel!

Its great news, if I had been given the choice I would have always preferred to do residential training, it being my first dog it will give us some really good quality time without Ian or anyone else being a distraction.

So we start training together on the 23rd of June and I am seriously counting down the days, I have a lot of stuff to do before I disappear off for a whole 2 weeks, not to mention another 2 A level exams to sit. I really can't wait to get stuck in to training; I know its going to be hard work but it's going to be worth it!

Apparently there are 3 of us on class with one trainer and the class is taking place in a really nice hotel in Southampton, I will spend 2 weeks residentially there and then another 2 weeks (ish depending how it goes) training at home. It's really good the training is in Southampton because I will be living there in September, it will give me a chance to get to know the place a lot better and hopefully learn some routes.

Bad health

2008-05-25T23:31:00.004+01:00

I've been a little poorly of late unfortunately, my last post here was mostly focused on Gus, quite rightly too but I was also at the time battling against one hell of a virus and coming to terms with deterioration.

Well I'm glad to say I am feeling a lot better than I did when that was in full swing but I have had more health related issues.

Due to a change in my glaucoma meds and all the other meds I'm on I had to have an ECG last week, luckily that went OK, and my heart appears normal.

Then I started getting really bad nose bleeds, they were literally happening every day I had 2 on Thursday alone, at which point decided there was nothing else to be done but to go and see a doctor.

Luckily I managed to get an emergency appointment that day and after a few people informing me that I was probably wasting the doctors time as it was likely to be exam stress, I was off.

It turned out I was not wasting the doctors time at all. The virus thing I had really affected the blood vessels in my nose a lot, to the point where I had lots of them cauterised at the doctors on Thursday.

Basically they use a chemical on a swab to burn away at the effected blood vessels, its not nice, my nose felt very crispy and sore for ages afterwords!

Unfortunately I had another nosebleed on Saturday morning so it is yet to be seen whether it has really worked and weather the pain was worth it.

I'm still unfortunately getting over the virus it really hit me hard and I'm still finding it hard to talk sometimes and getting really tiered, probably not helped by having to just keep going through it (I'm mid A levels which does not help). I am feeling a lot better though and will hopefully be back to full fighting fitness soon!

A mixture of happenings

2008-05-14T21:59:00.005+01:00

I think I already have a post with this title in the blog archive somewhere but really its sums thing sup so well I had to use it again!

First off I have picked up the latest bug that's going around, went down with it on Friday so have been feeling rather rough and had to have a couple of days off college. Talking of college my first exam was on Monday so that was perfect timing in terms of getting ill.

However it’s not really being ill, college or rubbish exams I wanted to blog about today it’s the happenings of Tuesday.

Tuesday morning I had the hospital for an eye check up which I was kind of worried about because of all the stuff the contact lens people.

Well the cornea mystery has been somewhat solved, I have another eye problem to add to the list cornea oedema. In English they a basically tiny little fluid filled cysts on the surface of my cornea that are microscopic, they make my cornea a little bit more cloudy than it should be. Right now they are not really causing a problem apart from I will never be able to wear contact lenses which isn't the end of the world.

Unfortunately my glaucoma was rather sky high in my left eye, it was 28 (18 is the highest it should be) but my right eye was not quite as high. The plan of action is to change my eye drops and luckily it hasn't affected my vision so here's hoping the drops sort it all out! I have to go back in 3 months for a check up; it’s a bit frustrating because my glaucoma has been well under control for about 4 years but meh these things happen.

Then in the afternoon I met Gus he is a black Labrador retriever who is going to be 2 years old this Saturday we went for a walk and it was decided jointly between all three of us, me Gus and the guide dog trainer T that we were a successful mach!

So I will be disappearing off to train on the 23rd of June and I'm counting down the days!

Gus is absolutely beautiful we walk at the same pace and he is lovely and tall I feel like we instantly bonded!

Here is a picture of us at the centre yesterday

I got a call

2008-05-10T10:46:00.003+01:00

Well on Thursday I got a call from Guide Dogs to say they might have found me a dog!

It's very exciting news but I'm trying not to get to madly crazy excited about it encase it doesn't work out. All I no right now it that it's a male called Gus and that he is a Labrador retriever cross and that he is black. Apparently he is a very big strong boy who needs firm handling. Oddly enough my mum has met him (complete fluke there) and thought he was cute he seemed to get on with Ian OK and they were talking to each other underneath the table while Gus rolled!

It's wait and see time to see if we are a good match. I'm heading down to the centre on Tuesday afternoon to meet him and find out if we will make a good partnership.

I also have eye unit check up on Tuesday morning so its going to be a very busy day.

Also I have my first exam on Monday so things are madly busy right now!

A simple question

2008-05-06T22:48:00.002+01:00

What's the frequency Kenneth?

(can you tell I have been listening to my extensive R.E.M collection)

But on a serious note does anyone actually no what the frequency is and who Kenneth is?

All theories accepted!

Disablism on the application

2008-05-01T23:21:00.002+01:00

So picture the scene your disabled you want a job, you see/hear of one being advertised you apply what happens (in my case 9 out of 10 times) bugger all.

Now excuse me for being confused but wasn't the DDA (disability discrimination act) and all its little additions supposed to give us more rights to employment so it is illegal to discriminate against people purely based on there disability?

Don't get me wrong I'm sure there are success story's but from my own personal experence employers have a simple way of getting around the DDA legislation, a crafty way which makes it difficult to prove disablism.

In my experience they simply do not reply to your application or give you any acknowledgement, its hard to prove that they have not responded to your application because of your disability yet it nearly always happens, in my case.

There are of course plenty of other ways employers get around the DDA, I don't actually think further legislation is the way forward for getting disabled people in to work, nether do I think that government moves to remove or reduce benefits to disabled people is the way to go either.

I think the government need to focus on education, I may have rabbited on about this before but its to late for the elder generation. Children should learn about disability the same way they learn about smoking; OK perhaps not quite the same but the topics should be of equal importance.

How about this a new subject on the national curriculum: Disability Studies, learning all about the culture and great things disabled people contribute to our everyday lives.

BADD!

2008-05-01T16:28:00.003+01:00

Yes everyone today is blogging against disablism day!

Happy BADD to everyone who is out there publishing stuff across the world on the internet today!

Now unfortunately I have to admit that I have been very BADD in that I completely forgot it was today. It wasn't until I saw a blog entry on Ouch! today at college that I remembered so unfortunately I havn't really planned what to blog about so now I have to think of something.

So I have set myself a challenge: it is now 4:33pm (GMT) by 12Am (GMT) I will think of something that fits the theme to blog about.

What this all means? I here you cry.

Well basically if I succeed you will have the opportunity to read some truly wonderful words written an arranged by none other than myself.

If I fail, well this will have to do!

The contact lens latest

2008-04-16T22:40:00.002+01:00

Well the contact lens latest, it didn't go so well to put it bluntly!

My cornea's are fuc£ed!

Lots of damage showing up on them basically which is apparently a new thing. Even without the contact lenses in which rules out them as the cause. At this stage they cant do any more about the possibility of contacts until they find out what the hell is up with my eyes. The contact lens specialist said she had never seen anything like it so is referring me back to a consultant.

Its not so good, bit of a worry really that I might have another eye condition, I don't want another eye condition I have enough already! My consultant appointment is not until the 13th of May so I suppose its less than a month but still I just want to no what's up and get it sorted.

Ouch Webcams

2008-04-07T13:09:00.003+01:00

Its official the web cam stuff has gone live on ouch! it can be viewed here or on youtube here Its all very exciting all though there are currently a few technical issues to sort out so bare with me.

Its all very exciting!

Retraction

2008-03-26T18:10:00.002Z

The title says it all really here I have to make a big apology for one of my entry's that has caused offence and upset. (THIS entry)

When I started diary of a monkey it was never my intention to upset, harass or offend anyone, and I am upset myself that it would appear that I have. Until it was brought to my attention today I didn't realise that comments I had made here were offensive and upsetting.

I have myself made the mistake of generalising and misunderstanding the situation mentioned.

Depression makes me see the negatives in situations, in many instances it causes the good things to be completely consumed by all the bad things that happen, thus leaving me with a negative view of the situation, this is what happened regarding that entry. This is in no way an excuse I should have thought more about the comments I made, but it defiantly clouded my view point.

All that is left for me to say is that I am truly sorry and have learnt from my mistake and will endeavour not to let anything like this ever happen again.

Well hello there

2008-03-25T00:43:00.002Z

Wow hi all i have to say i'm being rather tech-savvy here i'm writing this laying in bed on my mobile phone!
(the joys of predictive text)
so that nuget of vital information aside whats been happening i here you yell. Well in all honesty not alot! ,
currently i have massive amounts of work to do all of witch is rather dull.

right now i'm thinking i need to buy a wireless keyboard for my phone as typing this out ou a standard numerical keypad is making my hand hurt! Also right now i'm a little pissed off i'm currently in one of those moods were i just don't feel like sleeping its late and i should be asleep but i don't want to. Migu try some EFT, more about that later but for now i shall say good night and sweet dreams.

What is it with pubs?

2008-03-16T22:27:00.005Z

Now you may remember a particularly blog entry I published last year called hats and pubs in which I discussed the issues faced by your everyday photophobic when trying to go out!

Well I hate to say it but the pubs have annoyed me yet again for there lack of thought regarding policy.

After playing Goalball on a Saturday me, Dave and the coach go for a drink and usually food, we go to the same pub pretty much every week because it has really comfy sofas, and is cheap!

I however am starting to get slightly irritated by the pub for several key reasons. At roughly 7pm every Saturday night they dim all the lights down, turning some of them off in the process, this is bad. one week I was mid meal and the light that I had cunningly sat under expecting the usual dimming was turned off. I quite like to see what I'm eating given that I have that ability, I no I'm lucky but I want to use it to its full potential.

There bouncers also arrive about this time on a Saturday evening we have had several unfortunate run ins. The first time we all went to the pub I was upstairs after visiting the ladies and I was lost trying to find my way back downstairs with loud music and flashing lights, not to mention other people all around when a guy walked straight in to me , somehow straddling my moving long cane in the process, I nearly broke the guys neck, it was his fault but still, I worry about the possible law suites.I noticed the florescent yellow arm band and that he was a bouncer. he was really nice about the whole thing and showed me how to get down stairs.

The other problem with the bouncers is there chosen standing location when attempting to exit the pub (sometimes a little worse for were) they have an unfortunate habit of standing right in front of the door, for obvious reasons I grant you. The only problem is that the pub has a flight of stairs to go down before you get to the door and then two more steps once your out. for some reason which is beyond me the bouncers chose to stand leaning up against the hand rail. Now for someone with my bio-mechanic oddness has enough trouble trying to navigate going down stairs at the best of times but in the dark and with no handrail doesn't bare thinking about. alas I have to try and get the bouncers attention so I can get them to move, failing that a gentle prod with the cane does the trick.

Nevertheless pubs still hold a special place in my heart!

The results are in!

2008-03-07T08:43:00.003Z

Yesterday the results came through for the January exams, in a way I was lucky I only had two exams in January, biology and applied science.

The main point I really want to make her is that I was continually told I was going to fail biology it would be very difficult for me to pass, I was made to feel inferior to the rest of my class, like I didn't deserve to be there. My teacher demoralises me on a regular basis and nothing I can do is right. At parents evening my parents were told it would be very difficult for me to pass, I have a predicted grade of an E and was told I would have to work really really hard to get it.

Naturally all this has made me feel really negative about the subject, it makes me sad to think that I am terrible at my favourite subject. I feel useless, thick and demoralised.

Well I got the result of the January exam and I got a C!

I was so shocked I was walking around college shaking from head to toe in a state of shock!

I got a C in applied science to so it was a good day!

I GOT IN!

2008-03-04T22:30:00.003Z

Today I had an interview, given my issues with anxiety I was shit scared... still hoping for the best but really nervous.

Luckely it went well, it was at southampton solent universicty for there journalism course I was nervious, but I think I covered it well, and best of all I got.... an UN-CONDITIONAL offer!!!!!!!

Which as soon as it comes through on the system I shall be accepting, I'm so glad I got in, I really really wanted to do the course at solent and now I am!

Awesome

2008-02-23T17:53:00.003Z

I got my eyebrow pierced and its awesome!
here's a pic!

Its pink!

Sh!t

2008-02-20T23:17:00.002Z

I'm now officially pissed off!

My mobile phone is dyeing slowly so I have decided to go on contract-its actually going to save me money!

I have chosen my new phone and it is going to arrive tomorrow...I read all the reviews and thought carefully, i couldn't find anything in the reviews about font size, I assumed it would be OK.

Its a Nokia N73 and a really good phone and I don't have to pay for it BUT unlike most of the other Nokia phones it is not possible to change the font size!( I have just found out!)

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm really annoyed, now I have to ether use a magnifying glass, or spend £150 on software so I can see the dam thing, or cancel the contract..... but its a really good deal so I don't want to do that!

OK so under the DDA do I sue Nokia or Three

(joke I'm not the suing kind)

Contact lenses- the very latest

2008-02-17T22:53:00.002Z

As updates go this one is a little late but meh its here now!

Basically I had my last contact lens appointment last Tuesday, it DID NOT go AT ALL well!

My vision is quite good and there comfy and everything but when it came to taking them out and the Doctor looking at my eyes it was really bad. My cornea's hate them! They were damaging all the cells in my cornea, which if left would lead to seriously massive eye infections or bad ulcer of the eye. The worst thing is my Doctor actually said that it was the worst cornea reaction she had ever seen! That's bad, she's an eye specialist... she's probably seen thousands of eyes in her time and mine was the worst!

Obviously its looking a lot like contacts aren't going to work out, but we haven't given up just yet, there are 4 things it could be:

I'm allergic to the contact lens solution.
I'm allergic to the contact lenses.
I have another eye condition to add to my collecti0n.
My eyes hate contact lenses full stop!

None of that is good, she has ordered me in an extra sensitive contact lens to see if that's it, the chances of me being allergic to the solution are really small, so its a wait and see kind of thing.

I really hope I don't have another eye condition I think I have/ had enough of them all redy!

explanation

2008-02-14T23:19:00.003Z

There are things i want to blog about... and hopefully in time i will blog about them but right now i do not have the time energy or words to blog. I'm still doing stuff for the BBC Ouch website and this is by no means an end to my blogging, but its an explanation for the recent poor quality and absence from my blog.

Update again!

2008-02-01T11:35:00.000Z

Well after the second matching visit with Jenny, it was decided jointly that she was too small for me, we could have worked as a team but it was just not quite right, its sad but I understnad they have to find me the right dog for the job!

Next up really I just wanted to showcase some of my ouch stuff, recently I have writtern what I think is a resonably good blog entry about depression statistics.

There is another post all about gravity, that was incoraged by a gravity related incedent.

(ok i apologise right now the spell checker on blogger appears to be not workign i will correct the no doubt many spelling erros at a later date)

Lurgy!

2008-01-26T22:40:00.000Z

*sprays disinfectant around blog and offers face masks to all visitors*

Erugh I am officially ill, i think it may be flu, its not good, for that reason i am going to keep this short.

It's just really an update, we are not yet sure if jenny will be a match, so we are having a 2nd matching visit on Monday.

Also i no the slide show i tryed to put up of ian swimming didnt really work, its offical i dont understand HTML, so if you click on it you can still view all the pics if you want to!

Ian Swimming

2008-01-23T21:16:00.001Z

It's over!

2008-01-23T15:05:00.000Z

I had my last January exam today, so it is indeed time to celebrate, i shall be properly celebrating with Dave on Friday. We are going to watch Sweeney Todd at the cinema so that will be immense!

Even more shockingly i may no have failed the exam today, its A level Biology so i was expecting to so it might have gone well.

and tomorrow i meet Jenny!

YYYYYeeeeeeesssssss

2008-01-17T18:10:00.000Z

I have just received yet another piece of huge news, even better still its good news!

I have today received an unconditional offer for my first choice university, Southampton solent !!!

its amazingly good news i shall be accepting it!

A mixed bag

2008-01-15T22:44:00.000Z

It has indeed been a mixed bag of a day, this morning I was absolutely exhausted and really could not function without serious amounts of coffee.

Then when moving my CCTV in its trolley I have some how magically managed to damage one of the muscles in my ribs, owwie. Sometimes I swear my muscles are made of paper.

Then I got a phone call form guide dogs, they have found a possible match between me and a dog, she is called Jenny. I will be going for assessment next Thursday to see if we will be a good partnership, I'm trying not to get to excited in case we are not but I am very!

Then I had my fist January exam it was very scary and lots of the questions were evil but hopefully everyone will complain and the exam board will mark accordingly.

Update

2008-01-14T22:13:00.000Z

Well this is really just a general update of what’s been going on, some good, some very good and some bad. The reason behind it is that generally I have not really said much about what’s going on in my life at the moment so here is your Jemma update starting from just before Christmas.

Well my GP increased my dose of AD's it really didn't work out at all and just made things horrifically worse, so I am on new ones. So far they seem to be working out OK , I have only been on them about 10 days ish, the only downside being that they are a complete no-no with alcohol so I'm back to being a compleate non drinker. The worsted thing about that is that I still have half a bottle of lime tequila left that I got for Christmas, still it’s really nice in fajitas so I will live.

I found out a few weeks ago that I have an interview for a uni, not my first choice uni but its still an interview, I’m currently just trying to work out how I’m going to get there but it should all be ok.

I have my first January exam tomorrow, I’m rather nervous, I don’t like exams but I no that deep down inside I know what its on. so I should do ok, my teacher says she’s expecting an A, but understands how nervous I get!

Then I have another exam next Wednesday, that one will be awful I’m really not looking forward to it, its biology and I no that I am doing ridiculously badly and am bottom of my class, I failed the mock (got a U) so I have no hope in hell of passing first time round pretty much!

Now to finish on a really positive note I’m now in a relationship with my gorgeous hunk Dave, and it’s great. We have known each other for years, the first time we met we hit off really well, (and he hit a guy in the balls with a bean bag, it was an accident!) but for some unknown reason did not swap numbers, then we didn't see each other for years practically then we met up again through Goalball, and things went from there, we have been going out since new year and its great!

I attract strange people

2008-01-09T09:13:00.000Z

If I'm honest i cant remember if i have blogged about this before so apologies if this is a little dull but i was reminded this morning of my ability to attract the strangest of people.

For example i was in a restaurant with a friend and we were both really distracted by this woman on the table next to us with the strangest voice ever. i was trying to explain something to my friend and was completely put off my train of thought and was suddenly just concentrating on not laughing. We where sat there trying to have more conversations and it just wasn't happening then i suddenly realised what the woman sounded like and just whispered in my mates ear "Orville the duck" we both cracked up.

Then there was the very strange man on the train platform who came up to me and said 'can i ask you a question'? i said yer thinking it would be something like do you no this blind guy who lives in .... but no the question was "are you bind in your dreams"? that was a strange one i was just willing the doors of the train to open so i could escape!

Mind you i was once asked if i can see less with my glasses on!

Then on another meal with my friend we were just leaving the restaurant when the waiter jumped out on us and started saying we hadn't payed, we had. but we had to stand there and tell him repeatedly that we had given the right amount in front of the whole restaurant who were now staring at us.

Then there was the pharmacist who when i went to get my antidepressants said to me "they can make things worse you no poppet but if you feel suicidal don't do, it go to a&e sweetheart" i know its her job to say that but i suppose you had to be there to understand the way she said it was very strange!

that's all the strange people i can think of for now but I'm sure there will be more in the future, one quick note before i leave. regular readers will no i do a little bit of blogging for Ouch its a tiny bit on hold at the moment because the ouch blog isn't feeling very well.

diary of a monkey would like to to wish the ouch blog the speediest of recoveries and hope it is back to its normal wittiness soon!

meme fact thing

2008-01-07T21:09:00.000Z

i was tagged by littlewatchyagirl and therefor am going to complete the tag, I'm sorry right now but I'm not gonna tag anyone else coz I'm to tired to tell everyone!

Here are the rules:

1-Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog

2-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird

3-Tag 6 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs

4- Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

interesting facts

I don't eat any vegetables or much fruit, i no its bad but they scare me a bit i don't like the texture.
my fingers can go back further than 90 degrees
i have size 9 1/2 -10 feet
my birthday is Halloween, 31st of October and me and my best mate share the same birthday
i have driven a car and a boat even tho, i don't technically have enough vision to drive ether legally.
i love dry bread sticks
i got a really cool mug a couple of weeks ago that says "a Prozac a day keeps the voices away" and i love it.

Merry Christmas- Thank you!

2007-12-26T14:12:00.000Z

Hello and I would like to say a very merry Christmas and a happy new year to everyone who reads this, it is indeed my first blogging festive season and I feel as if I am celebrating the first Christmas of my baby.

Starting this blog has brought me so much, most of which I thought I would never achieve, and I would like to personally thank everyone who has helped me on my way. Special mentions to Lady B, Seahorse, and Vaughan. Without them my blog would be gathering dust and I would never have worked out what to do with my life after college. When it all started I was struggling to cope with exams and was facing up to the reality that I was not going to get the grades I needed for my chosen career at the time. Blogging has given me a new focus and has opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe I am sort of good at this whole writing thing.

As a result I'm now blogging for Ouch! something I never though even possible. I have grown up and matured reading the brilliant writing of Liz Carr, Mat Fraser, Laurence Clark, Tom Shakespeare, Damon Rose, and the list could go on and on. It was my dream that I would one day work for Ouch but growing up I never thought I would ever be up to there standard, I still have LOTS to learn but my blogging for ouch has given me exposure, experience and allowed me to grasp that maybe one day I will be good enough.

Thanks to all at Ouch and everyone who has welcomed me into the blogging community.

At risk of this sounding like a corny award winners speech (no I have not one any awards) there are a few more people I need to thank for all there help this year.

Dan, you know who you are, you are the best friend anyone could ever wish for, and amazing at spelling, which we all no is my biggest downfall, you will one day co write my biography with me which will of course be called "brave special different" and be a best seller. You have helped me out so much and are always around when I need a chat or someone to bounce ideas off, Thank you I hope 2008 goes really well for you.

Rose what can be said you are my twin! We think the same and can tell each other anything and are the best of girly friends. I don’t think you even read this but as my best friend, I could not help but to give you a mention. We have spent many an evening watching movies under my duvet on the couch (you hiding away from the gory bits) and are fabulous fajita nights. I hope Uni is everything you want it to be in 2008.

Finally I need to thank the parents who are emmecly prowed of everything I have allredy achived.

Arugh!

2007-12-17T22:34:00.001Z

I have finally got my contacts!

I got them last Tuesday and after a few initial teething problems had been getting on great.

I wore them for two and a half hours last night, was doing really well.

Went to put them in earlier and the left one is gone!

I must have dropped it last night, well I took them out when I was sat on my bed, in pajamas, and I was sure they both went in the pot so I have no idea where my left contact lens is!

This sucks even more because I'm meeting up with my old acting class tomorrow, I wanted to surprise them, now I'm not.

*goes off and has a tantrum*

Sleeeeeeeep!

2007-12-03T11:14:00.000Z

God! I really really need more sleep!

The only problem with this plan is its not happening. last night for example I just couldn't settle down and then when I did (I estimate about 1am ish) I woke up again when I heard my dad leaving for work at 4! two and a bit hours later it was time to get up for college.

The result of this I'm exhausted I'm really tiered, I'm sitting here in the library at college trying to stay awake writing on here instead of working.

I'm quite frankly pissed off my my regular inability to sleep, told my GP all about it at our last appointment and she is trying to speed up my referral.

I suppose the sensible thing to do right now is to make a plan, I need to plan what I am going to do when I have finished writing this in order to stay awake, I'm thinking fresh air and coffee... I no I shall walk in to town and buy a coffee and then if I'm physically tiered afterwards I can get the bus back.

Sounds like a plan!

Bad week

2007-11-24T13:56:00.000Z

I have had one of the most ridicules emotional roller coaster weeks ever! Most of which has been on the down side of life. I find it so hard to write and be creative when my depressions taken hold and I am very aware that I want to blog both here and on Ouch! but I just don't have the ideas, or the drive. Here's a day by day account of my week!

Monday- Seems so long ago was OKish to start with but then as I was leaving bumped in to one of my teachers who had a bit of a go at me, informed me that I'm going to fail. Given the fact that I was a bit emotional due to the funeral on Tuesday this didn't go down well. Put me further down in to a deep low. I was so low in fact I couldn't go to guides.

Tuesday- Well Tuesday was expected to be bad I had to contend with going to see my GP which always fills me with fear, and going to the funeral of my godmother.

The GP was terrifying, she did actually remember to come and find me, which was at least one plus. Then I was slightly shocked as she asked me how she could help today and I was like "erm you told me to see you in two months" not the best start, I suppose I needed to feel remembered. Told her how bad things were how I can't concentrate academically and that I rarely sleep before 1 am. Basically the out come was an increase in dose of my med's and shes trying to speed up the counselling referral, other than that I get the impression there is absolutely nothing anyone can do!

The funeral was very sad as expected, it was a lovely service tho they read out a poem written by my godmother sue when she was just ten, i cry'ed from start to finish and I'm not ashamed of that it shows how much i care about her. I still cant quite process that she will never come to stay with us again and I will never hear her call me 'widget' ever again.

Wednesday- I approached with dread, its my busiest college day and was somewhat boring to say the least. the teacher of one of my courses really doesn't like me, or my Friend I don't no why she has to make it so obvious she doesn't like us. I hate to think what my report is going to look like.

Thursday- well that was interesting I have finally finished the immense horror that is the UCAS application form! hurrah!! so I had to pay for that and do all the running round college like a headless chicken trying to sort it out stuff.

Then I had a meeting with the head of LSU I was completely terrified but it went OK, she wants me to be more independent, its all she goes on about, kinda annoys me but never mind. Then the next thing she talked to me about Biology I'm rather behind, so I'm getting a session a week with the head of LSU to try and help me catch up.

Friday- This is where the emotional roller coaster cane in, I was HIGH! seriously I was really like me and I wasn't low, it was just so bloody random don't get me wrong a high is a nice thing when you have been low for so long but it was just so out of the blue, J even said I looked more "animated" I don't really understand what that means. In hindsight I have realised that the high was probably due to the increased dose of antidepressants and the beta blockers!

Basically that was last week.

One for my fans!

2007-11-16T22:43:00.000Z

I shall be appearing on BBC radio 4 tomorrow at 5:30pm!

I will be on a show called iPM, discussing why I am not the greatest fan of mobility scooters and that there are calls within parliament to introduce a mobility scooter driving test.

It is possible to listen to the show anytime after it is aired at 5:30pm tomorrow, so I expect you all to listen and tell me how fab I am.

click here for there website.

Its very exciting especially as I am actually going to Roehampton university's open day tomorrow and the BBC are paying to get me a cab from Roehampton to there studio and back again.

I'm massively excited, especially as I am going in to journalism!

Bad news

2007-11-07T17:52:00.001Z

I got the news today that my godmother died in the early hours of this morning, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer last thursday so in a way its a blessing it was quick.

Contacts two

2007-11-06T23:48:00.000Z

Well today was my second contact appointment, gosh there strange!

I will only be able to have contacts for distance vision, I will then need reading glasses.

Overall it didn't go to badly, it still might not work out, the latest concern is that after only half an hour of having them in I was getting dry eye, but as the opthermolegist said "suck it and see" there is no way of knowing until it happens.

Today was a little frustrating if truth be told, I was expecting today to be stick lenses in eyes try 'erm for a bit and then learn how to take them in and out and clean them and stuff. Today was only stick 'erm in and see what happens day, kinda feels like we didn't really get anywhere.

So now I have to wait for another appointment before I can actually start getting used to lenses some of the time, its all so slow!

Wow it's been a long time!

2007-11-05T12:49:00.000Z

Sorry dear readers I havn't blogged in a while, I have had a truly manic few weeks, infact last week I was at college all day and out every evening.

This entry is basically going to be a boring update on whats been happerning in my life.

I tuned 19 last wensday(31st of October), I offically feel rather old, its like I have made that transition from child to adult its quite strange, i feel like I should be responcible, reliable and mature, not really sure weather im any of those things but never mind.

Other than that everything else that has happened has been rather negative, I've just found out my godmother has terminal cancer, thats really bad.

I had a really rubbish week at college last week, to be honest I have been in a low patch for the last 3 ish weeks, but I think I'm finally on my way out of it, but I havnt felt like I could blog, have had some serious insomnia going on!

Anyway lets not depress everyone now, I'm currently working on a project writing a piece called "love bites" hopefully it will go well, not sure yet.

Sundays

2007-10-21T13:09:00.000+01:00

why oh why are Sundays so boring!

I really don't get it, actually I do here's why I think Sundays suck:

The transport system is rubbish on a Sunday, therefore I cant go anywhere that is further than walking distance.
Tomorrow is Monday, Mondays would suck more than Sundays but anything is an improvement on a Sunday.
Sunday is a day for family, or homework.
There is nothing decent on the television.
Most, if not all websites are not updated on a Sunday.

So overall you probably have got the idea that I really hate Sundays they are to boring for words and I am currently bored!

Wooooohoooooooo

2007-10-18T18:17:00.000+01:00

wow!

I got DAISY!

My DAISY player arrived today and its amazing... the only slight hitch is that it arrived so quickly that I dont have anything to play in it, other than the instruction manual.

It is really easy to use and genrally great! wooooo

a mixture of happernings

2007-10-03T20:51:00.001+01:00

well firstly i need heaps of sympathy and love because i have a really nasty cold and sore throat which is horrid!

on a happier note my dad has just ordered me a DAISY talking book player! i couldn't actually believe it when he did i have wanted one for so long its not gonna arrive for ages but its exciting stuff!

i had a GP appointment today and it confirmed that i have sprained my shoulder and since my Doctor moved it around it hurts so much more!

also decided to keep me on the same AD's and not change them at all i haven't got to go back for 2 months which is a bit amazing.

collage has been a bit rubbish of late but with any luck it will get better, I'm going on two trips next week.

oh and I'm continuing to write for ouch and my podcast mug arrived yesterday.

oooo and i have decided on a degree course i plan to do a combined honors in human rights (major) and journalism (minor)

wierdness

2007-09-24T20:22:00.000+01:00

Well I don't quite no what to say, I got back from D of E on Sunday evening.

It was an emotional roller coaster as expected, unfortunately more of a downward one that a positive. It all went quite wrong and was truly the hardest thing I have ever done.

There where also a few moments where my anxiety just took hold completely and I just felt utterly awful, all of these involved being off balance, high up, with gusting wind and generally terrified, unfortunately my anxiety didn't go back to a manageable level once I reached the ground, so I was not only pushing the physical limits of my body (weird bones and all) but also really on the edge of my psychological limits, and of course I couldn't actually tell anyone that, or explain and there was nothing they could do to help anyway.

If I'm really honest I very nearly quit many times, I didn't think I could get through it, I don't want to sound like a complete idiot here but I only really kept going because I was determined it wasn't gonna beet me and I didn't want the rest of the group, particularly my tent partner to fail because of me (unfortunately I think that nearly happened anyway, thank god it didn't)

So I was going to blog for ouch about the whole experience, right now I don't feel I can, even though I/we passed it feels like we failed, its all very complex but a lot went wrong.

the joys of food

2007-09-15T10:10:00.000+01:00

well i have just discovered something that i quite possibly just forgot about. in my child years i was addicted to the stuff and now it has been rediscovered for my own tastiness.

yes people I'm talking about Nutella sorry to be slightly boring and blog about a chocolate spread but its seriously good. its full of hazelnuty goodness and chocolate addiction and contains a vast amount of milk.

yes today I'm loving nutella, i have already had Nutella on toast and I'm seriously considering hot banana and Nutella.....

you can even check out there website and look at the history of Nutella here

shopping

2007-09-08T19:32:00.000+01:00

Well I got some interesting news last week, DofE is back, we have at last found an assessor, we are going in approximately 2 weeks. one problem my walking boots have holes in!

Today said walking boots where placed into the bin, and a small ceremony took place, they where my first walking boots, I wore them constantly when I first got them. It took me a long time to find them, my feet are so strange to find a pair of decent comfy walking boots was a challenge, but there they where.

But as time has passed they have grown old, been scuffed and scraped, coated in inch thick layers of mud, paddled in the sea, been on huge hikes and little walks down the bay. they where reliable sturdy and above all comfortable.

That was until recently due to there repetitive hard use, they developed holes on the inside, right by my little toe, this then resulted in me developing(HUGE) blisters when I wore them for short periods of time. Then due to there age as time went on they became less and less water tight despite various attempts to reproof them wet feet still prevailed.

I had tried once before to replace them but that particular shopping trip came to no great ends. I could not find any that worked for me and my feet, so today I left the house to go to find some new ones, which I needed desperately with slight apprehension.

I arrived at the store, had a look tried one pair one, they where too narrow, then tried the next and they fitted like a glove! It was a purely shocking experience I had warned the assistant that this was likely to be a long job, but it wasn't they where perfect.

so I now have a beautiful new pair of Hi-tec Meridian eVENT walking boots in brown, and can I just say I would really recommend them there great!

contact catastrophe

2007-09-04T17:41:00.000+01:00

well i have had a contact catastrophe, i had my first contact appointment today, it was all ballsed up before i evan got in there, i was nearly an hour erly wich was incredibly boreing, then when i eventully got in i discoverd the docter that reffered me hadnt said why or what it was for or anything. basically they didnt no why i had randomly turned up and thought i was an exsisting patent.

Then it was bad news after all the assessments and everything i was told that contacts probably wont work for me, yes my eyes are to fuck'd.

I'm really dissapointed, everyone has told me how good they found contacts and how it makes your vision seem much better. everything i have heard has been positive, there was never evan the slightest bit of me that thought it mighnt not work out like the farytale suggested.

The decision has been made to order me in some contacts and let me try them and see how it goes, it ether works or it dosent.

I've been warned that it probably wont, my right cornea has a very steep gradient, that means its to curvy, as a result form the surgery and stuff I've had in the past. my left eye is the complete opposite, its cornea is almost flat. then there's the issue of my astigmatism, my eyes wobble without my control its deterated as ive got older so that means i will proably still need glasess for reading, or evan possibly full time to correct that.

then there's the issue of my pupils, there not normal my right one is really high up within my eye itself, and is really small that means that the contact lens probably wont do much in that eye, because the most powerful bit of the contact is in the center, and my pupil is offset.

then my left eye has the same problem but my pupil is bigger and shaped like a keyhole upside down, so bits of that will be in the optimum contact area and bits wont.

so that's why overall it dose not sound like this is going to work out but I'm giving it a try anyway

I'm so annoyed!!!!!!

2007-08-31T16:51:00.000+01:00

I am completely furious at myself!!

I cant believe my stupidity.

I have completely forgotten something that was really important to me something i was looking forward to, had even written down and i still forgot it!

such a complete idiot!!!!

I managed to completely forget about the existence of the liberty festival and now i cant afford to go.

I'M SO STUPID!!!!!

for those of you that don't no liberty is tomorrow in Trafalgar square in London, its the largest disability rights festival in the UK and is compleatly free to get in to, but i cant afford to get there! and i really wanted to go and now i cant.

If you hadent allredy gatherd im slightly angry!

I'm back

2007-08-29T20:53:00.000+01:00

Well I'm back from camp, I went away with the 6Th Alverstoke guides, I'm one of there pre-warranted leaders.

Despite some serious toilet trauma, and no doubt some of the guides, and leaders will be scarred for life by the immense horror of the happenings, we had fun!

Owen was the camp star, he is the son of one of the leaders, and the grandson, and niece to most of the others! He is only 14 months old but already walking, saying a few words, loving water, and generally causing lots of really cute mayhem! He even had his own bike and chair at the table, he joined in with all the activities which included, swimming, pouring drinks, helping out the water patrol on several occasions and banging in wellie poles. Owen is one day going to be a fantastic scout leader! And id just like to quickly say a little get well soon Owen because he picked up a little bit of a cold awww!

It was a really fun camp full of laughter which is the best kind of camp to have, everyone had fun and the guides enjoyed themselves so did the leaders.

my emmece bravery!

2007-08-23T20:42:00.000+01:00

wooooo its a hoot hoot at pauntons park (and no I have no idea how to spell that)

I have just been the bravest ever, I went to the park with my to amazingly super friends Kerry and Dan! (thanks for inviting me guys) and it was awesome!

I am normally a complete wuss and watch everyone else go on the rides and think , no way I'm doing that! but yesterday i was brave, i went on like everything! it was awesome! and i loved every minute! thanks guys

Results Day

2007-08-16T14:01:00.000+01:00

Well today is results day, I got my results and went for a Chinese meal! and my parents are taking me out for dinner this evening as well so I will be very full.

My results are better than expected, I didn't fail anything, I can't believe it after all the CRAP I've had to deal with this year at college, lots of which wasn't my fault. I even passed history I got an E . Even more shockingly I also got a D in PE considering I got a U in the mocks that was really good.

The only one I'm a bit disappointed with was Biology which was my As I got an E but that was only because I failed one of the units, I got good grades in the other two but the failed unit dragged my grade down.

But its not the end of the world and I will retake it next year.

I also got a merit in acting which I'm really pleased with cause that was so hard so I'm pleased.

Overall I'm happy!

Results Day

2007-08-15T20:02:00.000+01:00

well tomorrow is results day, I think it would be strange if I wasn't nervous but its nights like this when you just think what if?

What if I've failed everything?
What if I've done better than I think?
What if I've failed both my A levels and am just left with a A's?
What if I've failed biology and cant do it next year, what will I do?

Its a very stress full time for all the students in the land, I was in a really bad place mentally around exam time, I spent quite a lot of time putting on a brave face and laughing and joking about it all but I was actually struggling to even get out of bed in the morning, I was completely overwhelmed.

so I'm not expecting to do well.

Crazy week

2007-08-10T17:37:00.000+01:00

I've been so busy its been a crazy week I have barley stopped.

I had a interesting visit to the GP which went a lot better than the last one (thank god) only bad thing is that my GP is leaving, so hes trying to 'sort me out' before he goes.

I've also been walking a retired guide dog called ulan(I have no idea how you spell his name) he is a lot bigger than Ian and is really sweet every time I go to pick him up he gets all excited and starts to cry, he is really sweet.

On Tuesday I recorded my part for the ouch! podcast, you can fine more about that here.

Also I went to see a local production of high school musical in which one of my friends stared, and she was amazing and it was really good to see her on stage doing what she loves and doing it brilliantly!

Today I have been making a move with my mates , its been written, edited, filmed and directed by my mate Dan and its going really well.

Then tomorrow I'm off to London which is going to be really fun I'm really looking forward to seeing a load of my mates and going to the namco station.

I also got a letter threw the post today and I don't have to wait ages for contact lens appointment, its right at the beginning of September which is good.

Fun stuff, hopefully next week Will be less busy!

I'm blogging for Ouch!

2007-08-06T11:01:00.000+01:00

yyyyyyyaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!

I'm blogging for ouch! this is exciting stuff, for those of you that don't no ouch is the BBC's disability website and produces its own podcast it's good stuff check it out here .

I'm also going to be appearing on the next edition of the podcast, so look out for me.

You never no maybe my old tutor was right and I'm destined to be the worlds most greatest journalist!

The eye strain is over

2007-08-04T19:32:00.001+01:00

I have finnally recoverd enough to post in here, I have had the worst eye strain I have ever experenced, its been awful and ive been very grouchy and sorry for myself.

It all started when I brought a book, "one unknown" by Gill hicks. Its a really intresting book dipicting her life before and after the London bomings and her recovery, really gripping. unfortunatly not avalible in large print. Fuck it! I thought to myself as I brought it I will read it evan if it takes me a decade to compleate. I started reading it on monday and after an unkown period of time I suddenly found myself against a brick wall of, seriously bad headache blurry vision aned my eye feeling like somene was trying to pull it out with a spoon. I think it was worse because it was only my 'good' left eye that was affected, I cant see enough to read with the right, unless its in hugely massive print! As I said erlyer the eye strain was the worsed I have ever had, I could no longer read, text my mates, watch TV and most tragically I couldnt evan use the PC , evan with my screen magnification set to a bigger zoom than normal. I was cut off from the world stuck and bored, I was fustrated because I wanted to keep reading the book but my disability was stopping me, why cant they just produce more books in large print? I thought to myself in a low bored out of my mind moment.

Then again I sarted pineing, pineing for a DAISY player, all I wanted to do was read a book. The problem being That DAISY players start at about £250 , way out of my price range. I could loan one, with a years membership to the RNIB's DAISY libery, but evan that is out of my price range. But I continue to dream about having my own digital audio informaton system at my fingertips, college and later university could get the softwhere and put entire textbooks on to DAISY format wich I can then use to acess the same information as everone else with the same ease and without lugging lever arch files of bits of textbook around with me everyday!

On tuesday my eye strain was still evedent, and as I have allredy posted about I had a lovly trip to my local eye check up.

Then wensday was the big day my finall Guide dog assesment, it was the day wich deiceded if one day I will be a guide dog owner or not, it was very intresting. It started in a very intresting way, I whent out of the wrong exit of the train station and got a call from the center asking where I was and that they where waiting for me, I said I was stood outside the train station, I was then informed that there are actully 2 different exits and I was at the wrong one, I was also told they would meet me on platform one, so over the bridge I went to platform one, wich was seriously crowded by people, and then luckerly they spotted me! what a fab impression I made , getting lost before I had evan started the day!

The assesment started by meeting the other 3 people who where being assessed, and then having a small introduction to it all, we then went out on a short harness walk with an instructer . It was very odd we learnt how to follow the movment of the harness and the basic commands, we learnt how to turn left and right how to start and stop walking, whilst all the while tellign the 'dog' "good boy", it was strange talking to a GDMI (guide dog mobility instructer) like a dog, it got wierder still however. The next thing we lernt on this walk was how to correct bad behaviour, this invoved sentements from the instrucer like "im sniffing".

Next was a talk on genral dog care, what trainign is like, how the dogs work, vets and questions from us. we also lernt about safty whilst out and about and where told we are expected to wear a florecent sam brown or vest, I was incredibly pleased to hear that we could sign a disclaimer stateing that we took full responcibility for not wearing the protective clotheing providided. Thank god just the thought of wearing a florecent sam brown to college is horrific, saying that maby I could turn it into a fashion statement or evan better still start of a new trend!

Then we had lunch and another talk from a real guide dog owner who told us more about what its actully like to have a guide dog as a mobility aid, then made a compleat fool of myself again by walking in to the side of a sun umbrella, the rubber tip of it went strieght into my ear wich was lovly.

After lunch it was the exciting bit, we actully got to walk with a real life guide dog in training in publick, I was really nervous about this and makeing a compleate fool of myself, my dog was called Masie and was a very small labridor retriver cross and was a very dainty little dog, it was amazing putting in to work all the stuff we had done in the morning and it felt compleatly liberating to be walking, being led by a dog who I trusted compleatly and led around all kinds of obsticales from people to bikes, and bustops, it was amazing.

Then we went back to the center and waited for the results of the days assessments, we would eatch be spokern to individually so it was a very tence amount of time that felt like hours, none of us knew what to say and there was so much tension in the room its undiscribable, then we where called in one by one.

Then it was my turn and I was so nervious trying desperatly to prepare myself for the worst, but knowing deep down inside that I thought I had done really well and I couldnt think of anything I had done really badly or messed up, I sat there listerning to the the instructers just wishing for them to blurt it out but I had to listern to process what they where explaing to me then the words, "its a yes your going to be put on the list" I smiled and must have shown a great release of tension.

Then things got a bit complicated it was explained to me that I am now going to have a very long wait for a dog and that they where unsure weather it was the right diecsion for me right now they evan said " its not to late to chang your mind" !!!!! as if I would change my mind now this was compleatly what I wanted, what I have allways wanted to turn it down now I couldnt evan contimplate. They where also concerned because of my age (18 for those of you that dont no) it was explained that I couldn't take the dog clubbing and get drunk and things like that, I was slightly shocked that they made the judgement I was a wild student whitout really noing me, I hate clubbing and never go, as for drinking, I do not drink, I'm not supposed to drink on my medication so I dont! I do understand why they had to say all this and there resons but I htink they could have done it in a better way.

I left the center and got a lift back to the station where I called my mum and told her the news, then sent everyone a text message. I still felt a mixture of joy in that I had passed as it where but also a huge sence that I had been judged and people had deicided what I was, who I was purly based on my age, I think the could have talked about there concerns in a more positive mannor.

But I'm done with being annoyed now, I just cant stop talking about it and telling the intire world that I am on the list, I want to shout it from the rooftops.

P.S apologies for the spelling, the spelchecker is eather down or just not working, that or I have spelt everything right, which is highly unlikely!

A very quick post

2007-08-02T23:35:00.000+01:00

Unfortunately I don't really have time to give a full up date on the happenings here, I will soon but right now I'm far to tired, and as I said don't have the time.

I haven't been on the computer much recently because I have had really bad eye strain., which was my own stupid fault but never the less really frustrating.

My guide dog assessment went well and I'm on the list, I'm excited.

I'm far to tiered to properly blog about all this now so i will later!

Hospital visit

2007-07-31T22:08:00.000+01:00

Well today was an immensely exciting event in my calender, my eye check up time, lovely stuff. so the day started with being driven to the hospital waiting around for hours then seeing the Doctor which was the most interesting bit.

Shockingly he was actually quite a nice guy, he said I was brave you no, anyway that's a bit off topic, he was looking at my eye test results for both distance and visual field, and informed me that they where below average for my age, well duuuur course they are, hello I'm partially sighted, its not a new thing I've been like this since forever!

Then the next interesting thing happened, before he had even checked my eye pressure he started saying that it was time to try new eye drops because they obviously weren't as effective.... then tested my pressures and to both his surprise and actually mine the where normal, which trust me is shocking, they haven't been normal in a loooooooong time.

Overall despite the doctor's slight insanity the visit went well, did find out that the prescription for my glasses needs changing, and I can try contact lenses but I have to wait 3 months for that.

fun fun fun

As if anyone could forget its my final assessment for a guide dog tomorrow, wish me luck everyone!

Rose and Jem's big Adventure

2007-07-25T22:33:00.000+01:00

I'm going on an adventure!!!!

Me and a friend are going camping for a few days to the isle of Purbeck, its not til mid august but I'm excited! It's the first time ether of us have gone camping independently on our own, we are both experienced campers though me being a guide leader, Rose previously a guide and we have both done duke of Edinburgh. This however is like the test if we survive we'll do it again on a more regular bases, and we will no we both have the necessary skills to further are adventures.

Its going to be really fun, we have found a lovely campsite called Tom's filed (they have a blog, I've linked to it in my blog list!) its beautiful surrounded by Fields and within hiking distance of the Swanage steam railway, corfe castle , old harry rock and the notorious dancing ledge, all of which we plan to visit!

As an experienced camper I already had loads of the gear we needed, but yesterday I went out and brought the rest! I managed to get a bargain to, 3 gas canisters for the price of 2, and the gas burner itself is tiny it only weighs 195g which is good considering we are doing the trip backpack style, so everything has to fit in our 2 bags!

I also got some very scary matches, there called cyclone...which is I guess a clue they might be slightly scary. They are wind and water proof and come in a florescent orange watertight container, perfect I thought a) we wont lose them and b) they will even light in the rain. well when I got home from the shopping trip I got out the gas and the burner and the matches to check everything worked OK, which it did. When it came to lighting the match it was terrifying, I lit it and ....well I don't no what to compare it to it was like a sparkler the flame went racing down the match sparking, I tried to blow it out and couldn't, there wind proof , it was seriously near my fingers within a second so I threw it, as far away from the gas canisters as I could as I realised it it went out thank god! I guess I'll no for next time, I wasn't expecting it to be quite so ferocious.

Basically we are both really excited even though its 3 weeks away we are looking forward to it a lot!

We are both hoping we don't have to use are first aid skills, but with me going the likely hood is high. I'm hoping I don't have to peel my hand off barbed wire again!

Hummmm

2007-07-23T22:26:00.000+01:00

I was going to blog about something,... it was something that bugged me.... something important, but for the life of me I cant remember what the hell it was!

Welcome to the really annoying part of my brain which has a non existent memory span, it drives me bonkers its amazing I actually manage to get anything done with a memory like mine.

Well I guess I can just give you a Jemma up date, because I'm very unlikey to remember what I wanted to blog about!

A few interesting things have happened.

Me and a friend have decided to go away camping in august together, no parents, just us my tent and a map.

My EMA bonus has finally been agreed and payed!

I still haven't got my large print copy of harry potter, this is what happens when your god mother orders it as a present for you! (OK its not her fault she just had a stroke) I love her really!!!!! <3

I think that's about it really, oh I just need to say one more thing quickly aimed at one specific person, Rose if your reading this just because you don't have a blog does not mean you cant post a comment!

My Art

2007-07-21T22:03:00.001+01:00

Recently I have rediscovered my love of art, I'm not your usual art lover tho, I don't get classical art all tho I am often in awe of those famous artists as there works are skillful, just not me. I'm partially sighted so my disability denotes that I am unlikely to be fabulous at art in the world of fully sighted people and if I'm honest the thought of spending my weekend looking at a load of pictures hung on a wall is not fun.

Its amazing I can deal with even the thought of being artistic, the scars from school art lessons, being the only partially sighted one. In junior school I was the one who's drawing was never as good as anyone else's, or the one who's waterfall looked like a heap of wet newspaper. The other kids didn't really understand there was a reason I was so rubbish at being creative. Actually at some points the teachers didn't even get it I remember distinctly when I was in year 4 at school and my teacher said to the class 'people with glasses can see more than people without so they are even better at copying art'. I have no idea where she got that idea from, but I seem to remember it annoying me!

In secondary school it was little better if not worse, the art staff where patronising, really patronising, they gave up on me before I had even picked up a pencil, they could just tell, probably because of my disability that I would be rubbish. I had to endure the head of art pretending to no what my picture was of, getting round it by saying ' I like the way you have created movement' when I had actually drawn a rock. One of my favorite lesions of art (NOT) was when we where doing something, I can't even remember what it was but we where using very fine pencils and pressing very lightly, that was the idea anyway. So me, nose to paper forced by the teacher to use the same pencil as everyone else tried my best, what I ended up with was a landscape of hills and mountains and sky , my teacher actually said it was one of the best pieces I had done all year and gave me a merit. I was surprised but to be honest couldn't really see the whole picture so assumed it must have been sort of all right. well in next weeks lesson we where doing some painting type thing I opened my art book to the first available page did my art. Teacher came up to me to look at it and we where both shocked to discover I had actually painted all over last weeks work, I couldn't even see it was there.

So school art was pretty horrific, I mean that was a brief selection of the horrors, not including things from the other pupils!

I only really got in to art and thought i could do something constructive, possibly even good, after I brought my graphics tablet. For those who don't know a graphics tablet is basically a small pen and pad which you plug in to the PC and use instead of the mouse to do arty stuff. Its opened up a whole new world of creativity for me, I haven't been able to use my graphics tablet since my PC blew up last year, at that time I lost all my work, everything I had created.

Now finally on Thursday I reinstalled the software and shock horror it worked!

since then I have really realised just how much I missed not having it, I cant stop creating, doodling and generally making a virtual mess.

I have created a number of images (which can be seen in the slide show under the title of this blog) One of them I have even entered in to the mind M.A.D art exhibition. its called 'A world of brightness' and here it is.

Guide dog : the full story!

2007-07-17T20:09:00.000+01:00

Well by popular demand by Seahorse I am going to tell you the full details of my application for a guide dog and some background.... i am most probably going to bore you all stupid.

Background

Well in case you hadn't already gathered I'm rather partially sighted, I was born with cataracts, squints and really small pupils lots of surgery later I have Glucoma as a result of the surgery's and my pupils can't react to light and dark, meaning I'm night blind and struggle to see when its sunny and glare is definitely an issue. I also live in a hat (you might have seen my entry titled hats and pubs here).

My eye condition is genetic, my mother has it to. The surgery she has was very unsuccessful, as a result my mum is registered blind and can only see light and dark she has a guide dog called Ian. (there both in the pic on the left)

I also have a Blind auntie, who can see more than my mum and a partially sighted cousin... so theirs lots of us in the family.

Guide dog : the journey so far.

On my 18Th birthday I had a conversation with my mum and dad about applying for a guide dog, they where slightly sceptical but said they wouldn't stop me so on the 31st of October last year I made the call to start the ball rolling.

My first assessment

was all about what its like to own a dog and to give me more information about applying and what the process entails, its just a friendly chat about how the organisation works. Also I received a self declaration medical form, this is to insure that I'm fit and healthy enough to train with a dog, in my case they then wrote to my GP to check they agreed I would be able to train. Also we talk about my lifestyle and my future and start to get an idea of what dog would be suitable, if I get that far.

The mobility assessment

This was the bit I was most worried about. In this assessment the mobility assessor does a quick assessment of vision, field vision and asks lots of questions about what I can see whilst out and about and about the routes I do on a regular basis, and what forms of public transport I use. More lifestyle questions and then the bit I was most worried about, the assessment walk. on this I demonstrated my long cane skills and my pace, straightness, and road safeness. also there was a traffic assessment to see when I can see and hear cars coming and weather I can see cyclists and stuff.

Now

well that's all I've done so far, slightly abbreviated.

I got a letter through on Saturday saying that my final assessment will be on the 1st of august. In that assessment I will travel to the nearest center and meet a GDMI (guide dog mobility instructor) and go on 2 assessment walks, where I will work 2 different dogs. it will be very nerve racking stuff. At the end of the day the decision will be made as to weather I can go on a waiting list for a dog.

I'm both extremely nervous and excited about the prospect, I will be absolutely gutted if they say no at the end of the day, if they say yes I will be smiling from ear to ear.

8 random facts about Jemma

2007-07-17T16:37:00.000+01:00

Zepher , over at Arthritic Young Thing has tagged me to do this ...(by the way sorry its so late Zepher I've been on my hols) and it would be rude not to! And I actually love doing random things like this!

Here's the rules.

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

1. I don't drink or smoke, but I completely understand people that do and am quite happy to go down the pub and watch everyone else get completely drunk.

2. I HATE clubbing and other places that are loud and have flashing lights... the inability to see in the dark combined with photophobia (the inability to see in bright light) and then inability to here due to loud music and I'm doomed!

3. I never eat vegetables I hate them all, I don't eat much fruit ether I no it's really bad for me but I cant help it. the smell of fish makes me heave, and the only meat I eat is chicken. yes I'm a very fussy eater

4. I absolutely love camping and hiking and the great outdoors, I also have an obsession with buying camping equipment, I own 3 sleeping bags, a very lovely flowery tent, travel towels, various hiking rucksacks, 2 pairs of boots (one of which doesn't even fit!), some very dodgy water proof trousers (I had to by them 3 sizes to big so they would be long enough).

5. I am 5ft 10 and 3/4 and have a 35inch inside leg, which makes it difficult to buy trousers. also I have very wide size 9(UK) feet which makes it very difficult to buy shoes, on top of that I have to wear corrective orthosoles in my shoes, all that means I live in trainers.

6. I mentioned earlier that I love camping and hiking and stuff, well I do but when hiking I fall over ever few minutes my balance is awful, because I have a bone condition, bilateral twisted tibia's, twisted pelvis, twisted hips and knock knees. The worst hiking falling over incident I have had was tripping and staying on my feet but with my head stuck in a thorn bush above me and my hand stuck on barb wire. I got my head free then had to peel my hand of the barbed wire!

7. I really like Harry Potter I love the books (especially as they are available in large print) and the Harry Potter books are the books I have read cover to cover of my own will, and i have pre-ordered the last book already!

8. I got the letter through on Saturday that my final assessment for a guide dog is on the 1st of August!! exciting stuff (I've been dieing to blog about it but didn't think it warranted a full entry so this counts)

In return, I shall tag: Dave from Chewing the fat , Seahorse from the beauty offencive, Goldfish from Diary of a Goldfish , Damon from Do your worst , Pole to pole: the secret life of a manic depressive, L^2 from Dogs eye view, Lady Bracknell from The perorations of lady Bracknell and TDF at Blogs from the dogs

Distractions

2007-07-14T21:17:00.000+01:00

well today I'm madly trying to distract myself from thinking.... this is ether delaying the inevitable or 'helping me battle the storm', but I have to try.... I can't listen to the things I'm thinking.

I've been away for a few days hence the gap in activity in terms of the blog. I went to Slough, in Berkshire (England) its where I'm from originally and it was good to get back to my roots, see old places, I bumped into a few people I used to no.

There was quite a bit of shopping and I spent far too much money.... this is bad because its my Dads birthday on Tuesday and what have I got him? Nothing! And I'm skint now , I have £2.95 in my Bank account and about £5 in lose change so I think its gunna be a cheap box of chocolate.

last night I came home and watched telly and chilled out, then when everyone else went to bed I drank neat Pimms, and quite a lot of it,(I'm not supposed to drink on the anti-depressants) got the most drunk I've ever been and then went to bed.

I guess it's true alcohol is a depressant!

Today I have been out twice to try and escape the thoughts and I have been doing different distractions all nite.

This was one so please forgive the typos!

Infuriating visit to the GP

2007-07-09T23:02:00.000+01:00

Apologies in advance as this is most definitely a terribly written rant about my negative experience at my doctors surgery today, wich was truely infurating!

Today I had to see a GP to get some more anti-depressants, I was supposed to be seeing my own GP on Thursday but I'm going on holiday tomorrow, so I had to move the appointment. I then couldn't get another appointment with my GP so had to see a locum.

I arrived at the surgery with my mum who had to see the nurse briefly, my mother is nearly totally blind, and the receptionist was really really unhelpful!

In our surgery there is a LED board type thing that displays the patient name and where to go, it is a visual symbol but there is no audio announcement apart from a small beep, really helpful if you cant read the screen!

The receptionist said she would tell my mum when it was her turn to go in and then didn't. Another patent told my mum it was her turn so my mum went to the desk with her guide dog Ian to ask for assistance, to find out where to go the receptionist ignored my mums existence, despite my mum asking her specifically if she could help! Again another patent had to step in and guide my mum to the room! that should not happen!

Then when it was my turn to see the doctor I too had the same problem with the screen again another patient told me it was my turn, however this time I went to the desk and did get some help. On leaving the surgery I was informed that they didn't realise I was visually impaired, long cane, thick glasses and wobbling eyes not a big enough clue? Apparently it has now been put next to my name that I need assistance, great.

The problem with the screen system was pointed out last year when the surgery opened, my mum even phoned the RNIB to get them to speak to the practice manager who was less than helpful, and said that there was not a problem. clearly there is.

When I finally got to see the Doctor it was a very irritating appointment, I explained the situation that I needed more anti-depressants because I was going to run out before I got to see my GP. I then had to listen to the GP going on about how I'm very young to be on anti-depressants (I'm 18 therefore in the eyes of the medical profession an adult) and that she wanted me to be taken off them as soon as possible. I was very much against this, they have helped but not solved the problem, I'm on a waiting list for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and counselling, taking me off them before getting me the right treatment could be bad.

In the end she gave me a months supply, completely refused to give me a repeat prescription and told me to see my regular GP when I got back.

The only problem with that is, as of Friday my GP is on holiday for three and a half weeks, so I will probably end up having to see another locum, whilst waiting to see my GP.

Arugh!

It's all so irritating!

Recently

2007-07-08T17:54:00.000+01:00

I have been rather busy, on Friday I went to beaulieu (yes I had to look up the spelling of that) it was great fun, we went on the monorail and on the old bus. we also went into the house and the Abby. The whole place was strangely un-accessible tho it did make me wonder how they got away with it, there appeared to be rather limited wheelchair access. only a few of there steps where marked...which was hazardous, there where lots of overhanging bushes and my most embarrassing "they could have done better on the access front" moment was there doors, when you pay for your entrance in to beaulieu you walk through a set of clear glass doors, I did not realise they where there! Anyway moan over it was really fun we had ice cream looked round gardens, got stuff blown every were in the cafe, went on a slightly scary monorail and looked at nice cars. we also went on the wheel thing where you look at the history of cars was really cool.

Then on Friday evening I went back to my friends and we played swing ball and a bit of catch and then had a very lush Chinese, it was a really lovely day!

Then on Saturday I went to a family anniversary party all my dads side of the family where there and it was my half-cousin's 5th wedding anniversary and it was really fun, I spent a lot of time holding some very sweet baby's, and giving them back when it was toilet time, did do quite a lot of nose wiping tho!

To be honest I'm writing this trying to hang on to those good things, I've been pretty down and alone, even wen I'm with other people

I'm finding the holidays harder than I thought, I never for a million years thought I would say these words but I'm missing college. At college there are places to go, things to be done, people to talk to and most importantly it's a reason to get up in the morning, to make myself get up.

Anyway I'm doing better than I was on the last anti-depressants I think these ones might actually be helping....so we will see how it goes...only time will tell.

To end on a positive note, I'm going away on Tuesday!!! its only to slough which is most peoples idea of the most hellish holiday destination ever but I'm going to see my auntie and her partner and her dog so its good :D