Crazy again

This post is therapy I will say that from the off set it is for my own benefit to get things out there so they are not just in my head.

After 8 ish months of being on antidepressants but psychologically well, I'm depressed and ill again.

If I am honest it snuck up on me covering my world with a big black blanket, removing the colour from my thoughts, I saw it coming so tried to take action, but nothing is immediate and now the situation is deteriorating. Whatever action I take has a waiting list, I have to carry on in the dark and Wait for my turn to get help.

I'm back in a place I thought I had left behind, with behaviours I thought I have left behind.

I am now already struggling with the day to day of university life, my insomnia has got so bad, that when I eventually fall asleep (usually sometime between 4 and 5 am) I literally cannot wake up in time for my 9am lectures. My body says that it is tired and I turn every alarm clock off in my sleep, sometimes walking across my room to accomplish the task.

Assignments seem impossible.

The evaluation assignment we have just been set is terrifying, at a time like this when I am not well I can't see the things that I am good at, I see every mistake I have ever made, I think I am crap at everything although that is possibly not the case.

In a way its good that I have at least recognised that I am unwell again, that's part of the battle isn't it admitting that you have a problem.

How did I get here? Is another part of the battle, I think I have been warn down by stress and recent events reminding me of past negative experiences.

So that it then I'm back to crazy depressed anxious Jemma, waiting for help.

sleep

I came home so I could get some good uninterrupted quality sleep.

I did not sleep!

What is worse is that i think I no why, I usually take my lovely antidepressant every morning, yesterday I forgot and took it about 8 PM .

I was still awake at 5 am this morning.

I feel really crap today!

Sleeeeeeeep!

God! I really really need more sleep!

The only problem with this plan is its not happening. last night for example I just couldn't settle down and then when I did (I estimate about 1am ish) I woke up again when I heard my dad leaving for work at 4! two and a bit hours later it was time to get up for college.

The result of this I'm exhausted I'm really tiered, I'm sitting here in the library at college trying to stay awake writing on here instead of working.

I'm quite frankly pissed off my my regular inability to sleep, told my GP all about it at our last appointment and she is trying to speed up my referral.

I suppose the sensible thing to do right now is to make a plan, I need to plan what I am going to do when I have finished writing this in order to stay awake, I'm thinking fresh air and coffee... I no I shall walk in to town and buy a coffee and then if I'm physically tiered afterwards I can get the bus back.

Sounds like a plan!