Eye Casualty

After a night of worrying and not hearing anything I got a phone call from my mum who was equally worried, she (with my permission) rang The Eye Unit to find out what was going on.

She was told basically that I needed to get to Eye Casualty as soon as possible.

So I got a few bits together got ready and headed out.

I got as far as the PELICAN crossing outside my halls and had to turn back, someone had smashed a tonne of glass all over the pavement and the crossing, I can't see glass so only knew when I was already stood on it.

Gus cut his paw, he refused to move so I did what I am trained to do in situations such as this, I picked him up, I got a few paces and he decided he was not having any of it so bit me, I dropped him, it was a true comedy moment, he did then decide to move however! I dashed back to halls and the residence manager bandaged up my dog and cleaned the wound, it was very small.

Then there was the frantic OMG I don't know what to do panicked phone call to my mum, who told me to go straight to Eye Casualty because they where very concerned and sort Gus out later on.

So I got a TAXI to Eye Casualty saw the receptionist, who again could not find my notes.

I sat for an hour or 2, had a distance vision test and waited a bit more.

My notes where somehow found and I saw a doctor.

The doctor apologised for me being told to go in to Casualty, and told me that the doctor I saw yesterday had written a letter to a consultant to get him to look at my notes, the consultant would then decide when I needed to be seen and what tests I need and I will get a letter in the post.

In the meantime my macular has been bleeding, and they have no idea why. There is nothing they can do at eye casualty because they only deal with problems at the front of the eye there. 

However if it gets any worse before I get a letter I need to ring them up straight away and head down, they can't do anything about it in eye casualty but they need to know.

So I have to wait for a letter to get loads of tests done, who knows what it is so its still just a worry at this stage.

So I left eye casualty having completely wasted my time and TAXI fare and a whole day I could have spent working on the 3 assignments I have due in eminently and headed for coffee.

Got coffee and rang vet, got  an appointment.

Got the bus into town then got more cash out (TAXI's are VERY expensive) and another coffee and headed to the vets.

Saw the vet who commended the managers first aid skills, he had a good look and discovered that there was in fact some glass in Gus' foot. 

Gus was an angel and laid there rolling letting the vet have a poke around and try and get it out, he kicked the vet a few times, who was incredibly patient with Gus. 

The Glass would not come out so the vet and I decided it would be kinder to sedate Gus to get it out.

2 and a half hours later Gus was still very not with it and now had a lovely Green bandage and we where heading for another TAXI home.

At the time of writing he is a lot more with it, but is not a happy bunny, he is currently sitting on his bed giving me evils asking me to make the bandage on his foot go away.

It took him forever to come round from the sedation, I got back to halls and dropped a piece of pepperoni on his face and he did not even notice.

Crazy again

This post is therapy I will say that from the off set it is for my own benefit to get things out there so they are not just in my head.

After 8 ish months of being on antidepressants but psychologically well, I'm depressed and ill again.

If I am honest it snuck up on me covering my world with a big black blanket, removing the colour from my thoughts, I saw it coming so tried to take action, but nothing is immediate and now the situation is deteriorating. Whatever action I take has a waiting list, I have to carry on in the dark and Wait for my turn to get help.

I'm back in a place I thought I had left behind, with behaviours I thought I have left behind.

I am now already struggling with the day to day of university life, my insomnia has got so bad, that when I eventually fall asleep (usually sometime between 4 and 5 am) I literally cannot wake up in time for my 9am lectures. My body says that it is tired and I turn every alarm clock off in my sleep, sometimes walking across my room to accomplish the task.

Assignments seem impossible.

The evaluation assignment we have just been set is terrifying, at a time like this when I am not well I can't see the things that I am good at, I see every mistake I have ever made, I think I am crap at everything although that is possibly not the case.

In a way its good that I have at least recognised that I am unwell again, that's part of the battle isn't it admitting that you have a problem.

How did I get here? Is another part of the battle, I think I have been warn down by stress and recent events reminding me of past negative experiences.

So that it then I'm back to crazy depressed anxious Jemma, waiting for help.

when to give up

Its a question I am asking myself, when do I give up trying to help members of the course team understand me?

I have been studying the universities student complaints procedure, I don't want to use it, but I am seriously running out of options.

It would be true to say that right now things have reached a crisis point, things should not have got to the stage where a lecturer and myself are shouting at each other across a lecture theater. I am sure many of you reading this are fully aware of the situation I was put in on Wednesday, I am not an aggressive person, but when I am shouted at because a so-called lecturer does not possess any understanding of my disability I have to defend myself.

The access issues I have faced since being at university have somewhat surprised me, I always knew that I would face challenges and access issues but I  hoped that lecturers would work with me not against me to smooth any issues.

I am having one final attempt at solving these issues informally. Next week I will be having a number of meetings with members of the course team, if things cannot be sorted out then it will be time to start the formal stage of the official complaints procedure.

I am going to end this blog entry with a somewhat desperate plea, I consider myself to be an independent person but I cannot continue the way things are at the moment, I would  ask others to speak out about the way I am forgotten if they witness what is going on.

I do this in understanding that many of you do not feel able to speak out on my behalf for fear of being patronising, I promise you I will not take that view point, if you feel able to act please do. I need as many people to hammer the message home, if lecturers will not listen to me or the disability support people then my only hope is to irritate them into compliance.

Photography

Oh joy of joys, I'm having another access issue with the course content.

I am required to attend a photography workshop in a studio, its presenting me will all kinds of access issues, and right now I am incredibly angry!

I have some health and safety concerns about working in the studios, I'm thinking, trip hazards, I'm thinking dodgy lighting and camera flashes, all of which would present me with issues.

The guy running the workshop has just said in so many words that there are no specific things for me to worry about other than the standard studio health and safety stuff. He knows I'm partially sighted and that's it, but it isn't he is unaware of my photophobia or anything else. It's not 100% this guys fault but still I am angry that in the correspondence he has not even hinted at the effect my disability will have on my health and safety or that of anyone else working in the area with me!

Furthermore another member of the course team has got the wrong end of the stick, and has stated that I instructed other students to take photographs for my project on my behalf. This is completely wrong, I have taken all of my own pictures, I simply asked at the begging of the year in a worst case scenario situation whether it would be OK to instruct someone else to take a picture for me, as a last resort, I have not done this at all!

Friends with benifits

Now this I can safely say this post is not as X rated as its title may suggest, if only I was that lucky!

Recently student support at uni have been working with me to try and sort out a big, but infrequent problem.

Trips and off site activities keep being sprung on me, I am told for example the day before that I am going on a trip at 9am the next morning. Going to new places is very difficult, because if I don't know where I am going I cannot direct Gus and it becomes very difficult to get anywhere, I become more reliant on friends to show me where things are it makes trips that should be incredibly valuable learning experience incredibly stressful. 

So what can be done, well I have tried talking to the faculty and my level one tutor who was less than helpful, the general consensus has been 'its going to happen in life, get over it'.  Which is to an extent true, but when I am working as a full time journalist somewhere nice, I will get funding for support or use my own meticulous planning skills to the maximum avoiding the issue.

So anyway I'm working out the details with uni but it looks like we are going to implement a buddy system, only it can't be called a buddy system, it has to be something like orientation assistant instead. 

Anyway what will this job be, essentially a friend that gets paid!

Now some might say it is a Little worrying that i have to pay someone to be my friend, but the way i see it is that if they are my friend anyway then they are getting paid to help me out like they do already, possibly a slightly odd dynamic but I think its a great idea.

See friends with benefits.

Climbing barriers repeatedly

This year at university has been great, but filled with issues and problems and barriers to my learning.

It is important to mention at this point that there have been some fabulous people, and some committed and brilliant lecturers who never fail to meet my access needs and think of me in every circumstance.

Then there are those people who don't help at all, who for  a time could not possibly produce a large print hand out for me... until of course they were reminded by me of a little something known as The DDA (Disability Discrimination Act). After that shocker people started getting me large print handouts, and copies of power point presentations as they happen so I actually know whats going on. (finally)

That was one major issue resolved for the most part, it took 8 weeks but hey-ho sorted now.

There have however been countless issues.... one after the other in a near constant stream. Every issue is another barrier for me to battle to clime over, wonky legs and all!

Climbing over these barriers and battling to insure that people understand, is quite frankly wearing me down. 

Most of the issues I am facing could be avoided, a little extra planning could go a long way or a little organisation!

The most recent thing that has happened is the start of semester 2, it starts on Monday and I am expecting another bumpy ride at least in the beginning. The time table has completely changed, I have new staff teaching me and new rooms to find. All of this is going to throw up issues,  I am expecting that there will be glitches and I am fine with that.

To try and smooth out issues before they happen I have asked that all my new lecturers see something called a 'faculty form'. Basically the faculty form states what ALL of my disabilities and conditions are, it states what I need in lessons and spells out the basics. 

I would much rather people know that I am disabled before I walk through the door it allows them time to plan there lesson and avoids embarrassment.

Well I emailed the people concerned as a little don't forget to look at my faculty form, I have now received a email, that I was copied into from the faculty office with a word document that I produced at the begging of the year that concerns my visual impairment, I was at the time trying to simplify things purely relating to my VI.

Everyone always forgets my other conditions they may be marginally less significant than my Visual Impairment at this moment in time but that will not always be the case, I would rather people where prepared.

There was no mention of my bone condition (the wonky legs and hyper-mobile joints), the one that makes standing still in the same place for periods of time difficult, makes me wobble and makes stairs tricky.

There was no mention of my mental health, I may be in recovery right now but I am still receiving treatment on my way to being fully well again without medication.

I have come to the conclusion they either don't understand what my faculty form is, or that its filed away somewhere and they can't find it.

I don't get it  the faculty form is the most basic and simple of things all I want is for all my lecturers to see it, surly it s not that difficult.

It may be wearing me down but I will just have to keep climbing over the barriers.

Can I also say a big thanks to all the people out there who have ever tried to remove an access barrier from any ones path, your actions make all the other barriers seem achievable and remind those of us who have to climb the barriers that there are people looking out for them.

Difficulties

It's not been the easiest of weeks back and first off I should explain why I have not yet posted about the models of disability as I promised a few weeks back via the joy that is Facebook!

I had 2 big deadlines on Monday of this week so the majority of my time has been spent on that, I have started the post on the models of disability, but as it is a complex topic with many areas of debate I wish to make sure what I do upload is balanced and honest yet informed so I shall not be rushing it!

So far this week has not been a particularly good one, on Saturday (as many people will already know) my toaster blew up, which is devastating, being the independent woman that I am I got my mum to buy me a new one and she is bringing it down on Thursday!

Then literally minutes later my computer mouse stopped working, its fine again now but it was very frustrating! (and rather random)

I also feel the need to portray that I am sitting here writing this at 1AM because there is a drip on my roof, dripping more than once a second and making a great deal of noise, I would really love to be asleep, but its constant and very irritating; aside from that there seems to be an incredibly large number of drunk people about which is not helping matters. I start work at 9AM this morning I don't think I will get much sleep.

I don't like writing to much about my course but I feel I have to, of late things have not been going to well, actually there have been a lot of glitches regarding my inclusion.

The university is very inclusive as an organisation, and does a very good job of promoting diversity and inclusion. It is now not only the place where I study but my employer, which I think says a lot about the place.

So far the inclusion on the course itself has not been great, I think unfortunately this is down to peoples attitudes, lack of consideration and the general disorganisation of the faculty I am in.

There have been countless problems, It took me pointing out to a lecturer that he was in breach of the DDA (disability discrimination act) meaning I was within my right to take legal action for him to produce a large print handout, I should not have to do that, it should not take 6 weeks of me repeatedly telling everyone and then me losing my temper to get is sorted out.

There have been numerous issues over course content, I have had to endure attempting to create a visual design scrapbook which is as inaccessible to a visually impaired person as its name suggests. 

I have sat in lessons for 2 hours doing nothing because I cannot use the video editing software that is used, it would have been a better use of time to sit at home doing work instead of sitting in a room with no alternative given and simply being told we would be working in groups so I would not need to edit.

I had a trip to court on Monday, which I was told about on Friday not giving me enough time to book note taking assistance, leaving me incredibly venerable, anxious and generally like a confidence sieve.

I, and my needs have been forgotten on countless occasions.

We are in the last week of semester 1 and have just come back from the christmas break but already I have had issues, and the member of staff I booked a meeting with was less than supportive, I seriously wanted to cry (and very nearly did).

I am not indestructible things do get to me, I do get warn down by the continuous flow of issues and right now If you cannot already tell by the tone of this latest blog entry I am not happy.

I am fed up of speaking out alone about these issues-others witness but do not act, I am fed up of the lack of understanding or even the lack of willingness to understand.

I have had enough!

Review of 2009 > Hopes for 2009

It's 2009  so I wanted to wish all readers a happy new year and wish you all a happy, healthy year filled with great stuff!

I also thought I should write some kind of reflection on 2008 and my hopes for 2009, so here it goes.

2008 started with a new relationship, which at the time was fantastic, however 6 months later it became very apparent that it was wrong for both of us to continue how we where, we where in hindsight simply too different; that was the end of that. At the time devastating but now it was the right thing to happen.

The first half of the year was pretty mundane, I was ticking over at college, with a unconditional offer I didn't NEED to be there, naturally motivation to continue diminished, leaving me running at tick over, putting in lots of effort was pointless.

Of course lets not forget that for the first half of the year I was in the deep, darkness of major depression trying to find an anti-depressant that worked for me and wondering if I would ever be the same person again. I went on some horrible meds in this time that made me ill or seemed to improve my condition for a few weeks and then caused me to drop back down with a big bump, I remained on the end of a very long waiting list for further treatment on the NHS, and felt rubbish!  

Eventually my fantastic (now former) GP got me on the right medication for me, everyone is different and it takes time to find these things, but things started to look up.

Then in May I got a phone call that has completely changed my life,  a call form Guide Dogs to say they thought they had a match for me, the match of course being Gus who you will all know the story of.

At the end of June, begging of July Gus and I trained and my life changed hugely for the better, he really is guide dog of the year material!

Not only did this mark the start of me and my boy it marked the end of college and time to start preparing for the move to university, big but positive changes where afoot.

September saw the start of university which is fantastic, breaking news day which was utterly terrifying but probably good, and meeting all the new people. Gus and I continue to have a fantastic time at univeristy, I think Gus sometimes wishes there where more dogs at university to play with but over all he loves it.

( HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY NEW UNI BUDDIES!! see you Monday.)

Sadly 2008 also saw the end of my guest blogging for Ouch! I hope to be able to do more stuff with the team in the future but for now I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities they gave me as a teenager with no idea what to do with there life they helped me to find my path and follow it!

So what about 2009? 

I have many hopes for the year, my first of which is to try and be less of a complete wuss, I need to have more confidence in my writing ability, not something that can be done over night by anymeans but a year should be a start.

I hope to be off my anti-depressants by the end of 2009, I am now in recovery but the medication I am on is rather a high dose and highly addictive, so this is more of a challenge than it may seem to some, I am determined to get there and hope that 2009 will see me in a true state of recovery!

I hope Gus has a healthier new year, that is accident free and good for him.

I all ready have a lot of things planned for the new year, lots of which you will probably hear about here first so I would also like to take a moment to thank you all for reading this crap!

Signing off!

I'm heading into the dark age abyss that is Gosport at the moment.

Don't get be wrong I really enjoy going back home and seeing all the people and places I know, catching up with friends, dog walks and a coffee by the sea, but recent events have plunged Gosport back into the dark ages.

Some cretins have been going around Gosport in a no doubt dirty white van stealing peoples phone cables. My house is one of around eight thousand that has been affected.

Some would say this is the credit crunch rearing its ugly head, forcing people into desperate measures around Christmas. 

I'm understandably annoyed by this I don't mean to sound in any way patronising but it has left my disabled mum without a phone line or internet connection for 14 days I think it is now.

I really can't think how someone that has gone around stealing phone cables just before christmas can live with there self. Its a horrible crime that has no doubt left thousands of possibly venerable people without a working phone, for many cheesy as it sounds it may be their lifeline.

BT have said they hope to have all the faults fixed and working again by Christmas day

On a different level it has pissed me off and will leave me rather disconnected with the online world I know and love so much so for possibly quite a long time this is Jemma Brown signing off!

sleep

I came home so I could get some good uninterrupted quality sleep.

I did not sleep!

What is worse is that i think I no why, I usually take my lovely antidepressant every morning, yesterday I forgot and took it about 8 PM .

I was still awake at 5 am this morning.

I feel really crap today!

University begins

University life has begun I'm two weeks in now and thought I would share with you all the slide presentation that somebody made of our breaking news day.

Breaking news day was a mock up terrorist attack on a gas storage facility in Warsash! We interviewed eye witnesses, attended a press conference and then rushed back to produce the finished article.

Gus and I are settling in well to university life, unfortunately Gus has had a bit of a bumpy start and is at the moment temporally out of action but enjoying putting his paws up with nanny and granddad!

About me

I was recently asked to write a piece all about me and disability, the scope was to challenge perceptions and raise awareness of visual impairment, this is what I came up with.


About me
By Jemma Brown

Hi I’m Jemma I’m 19 and about to start at Solent University to study journalism. I currently live in Gosport although I will be moving into halls in a few weeks with my guide dog Gus. I have multiple disabilities including visual impairment and a mild mobility impairment. I have the philosophy that I can do pretty much anything, it may take me longer, I may do it in a different way and it may be more difficult but I will do it. This is all about my disability and how it affects my day to day life.

The eye stuff

The eye starts to develop from 12 weeks of pregnancy, when my eyes where developing they did so with a cataract, this damaged them in many different ways, leaving me with a collection of eye conditions. I was diagnosed as having eye problems when I was 8 weeks old I then had my first operation to remove the cataracts at 11 weeks.

My mum also has the eye condition as it runs in her side of the family, although she has considerably less vision than me. I also have a blind aunt and a partially sighted cousin.

Throughout my childhood my vision varied, at one stage it was thought that I may one day have enough useful vision to drive, however that was not the case.

Because of the cataracts the pupil in my eye did not develop as it should have. I had surgery when I was younger to make my pupils bigger as they where too small. As a result of the surgery my pupils cannot get bigger or smaller to adjust to changing lighting conditions. This means my vision is considerably worse in the sun and when there is not much light.

When I was 11 my eye condition deteriorated, as a result of the surgery I had when I was younger, the fluid inside the eye ball was not draining away properly causing increased pressure in the eye. This is known as glaucoma and is relatively rare in people my age. The build up of pressure inside the eye can damage the optic nerve leading to irreparable loss of vision. To attempt to control the pressure inside the eye I was put on medication, and have been on several different treatments.

Unfortunately in May of this year the pressure inside my eye was found to be higher than it should be, up until that point my glaucoma had been under control and stable for the last 4 years.

As mentioned earlier I have quite an extensive collection of eye conditions (I’m greedy!), so I’m going to give you a brief run down:

Nystagmus - involuntary eye movement. My eyes often wobble without my control, I don’t normally even notice. It produces some very interesting photographs though!

Photophobia- excessive sensitivity to light. (NOT the fear of light) I am dazzled by light; car headlights, reflections, street lights and the sun all make it more difficult to see. I have done A level acting so am used to working under bright lights when I can’t see a thing. Having Gus has really helped me to be able to get out and about in the sun or when it is dark. The annoying thing about photophobia is that it’s a no win situation, can’t see in the sun and can’t see at night because of all the lights that are around! (Clubbing can be an interesting experience)

Squint- a squint is when they eye appears to be ‘stuck’ in one position. For me this meant that I was severely cross eyed as a child, I had surgery and eye patch therapy to correct this, but my eyes often turn inwards. This is linked to Nystagmus, because the muscles in my eyes are weak and under developed.

Corneal oedema- excess fluid in the cornea causing it to become cloudy. I have to confess that I actually don’t know very much about this one as I was only diagnosed with it in May of this year. It can be caused by glaucoma or previous cataract surgery. Right now it is relatively mild in my case and sometimes causes me to have blurry vision.

Glaucoma- excessive pressure with in the eye leading to optic nerve damage.

Cataracts- the clouding of the lens.

So what can I actually see? There is no simple answer to that question. The vision in my right eye is not very good most of the time I can just see fuzz. With my right eye I can read the top letter of the eye chart from 2 feet away. Fortunately my left eye is a lot better than that. In perfect lighting conditions I can get quite a long way down the eye chart. My vision varies immensely, for example I can hardly see anything at all outside when it is sunny or dark.

I have issues with perception of distance because I have one eye doing most of the work. So I often misjudge gaps, bumping into door frames is a regular activity. Having rubbish perception of distances means that I am very uncoordinated and clumsy.

I also find it difficult to recognise people, don’t take it personally when you next speak to me and I have no idea who you are. Life would be a lot easier if everyone who spoke to me did so by starting off saying their name and how I know them.


The bone stuff

I have a slight mobility impairment because I have odd joints! I have hypermobility syndrome meaning that a lot of my joints have a larger range of movement than they should have. The main downside of this is that I have some very weak joints and sprain things quite easily, although I have some amazing party tricks with the odd things some of my joints can do! I also have some misalignment issues with the lower half of my body; I have twisted hips, a twisted pelvis and twisted tibias (tibial torsion). That’s a bit of a mouthful but all it really means is that my knees ankles and hips are not lined up properly so I have a few issues with them. The main problem that causes is going down stairs, I’m fine going up but I find going down stairs quite tricky and I lack balance.


About my life

My independence is incredibly important to me. At this stage in my life there are still things I find difficult and there are times when I have to ask other people to help me to do something, but I try to be as independent as possible. Reading is possibly the area where I need the most assistance from other people, its not that I can’t read, it’s that I can’t read ‘standard’ size print. The font size I use most of the time is 18 with a really bold typeface.

I think that having a disability gives me potentially better problems solving skills than a person without visual impairment. I am always coming up with adaptive ways for me to be able to do something. Usually the best solution is also the simplest, whilst on my duke of Edinburgh expedition I put pieces of blue tack on the compass to allow me to do bearings – simple but effective.

My independence whilst out and about has improved greatly since I got my guide dog Gus. Gus is my first guide dog and goes everywhere with me, he is great as he often guides me around obstacles that I don’t even notice. Gus also really enjoys finding things like crossing buttons, doors and bus stops; I can now also go out knowing that I am not going to bump into anything!

As previously mentioned I am a full time student and I am about to go to university to study for a degree in journalism. When I’m not studying I can usually be found out and about somewhere, I play a Paralympic sport called goalball as well as blind cricket. I’m a really sporty person and I enjoy going to the gym and playing most sports, I like playing and sometimes watching football, badminton, tennis and cricket. I will be the first to admit that I am rubbish at most sport due to a complete lack of coordination but I still enjoy taking part.

I am also a (apprentice) Guide leader currently working with girls and young woman ageing from ten to fifteen years old. Guiding is something that I really enjoy I have helped to run various camping events and also taken a team of girls to complete in a county football event. Being a guide leader gives me the opportunity to be a big kid taking part in carnivals and all kinds of activities. Through guiding I have done kayaking, archery, rifle shooting, rock climbing, abseiling, skiing, sailing… the list is endless. When I am not out having fun with the Guides I also work as an adviser on visual impairment at national level, I have helped to write a book on including people with disability’s in guiding activities. As well as delivering disability awareness training.

When I am not doing all of the above I also manage my websites and blog for the BBC’s disability website Ouch! Writing is something that I really enjoy and I hope to do a lot more of in the future, I am also hoping to harass the lovely people at Ouch! for some work experience!

As you may have gathered I am a very active person and I do not like to let my disability get in the way of what I want to do in life, I probably want the same things out of life as any other person regardless of disability. I think it is important to challenge people’s perceptions of disability and that many of the barriers people with disabilities face can be overcome, quite often it is other people’s attitudes that provide the biggest barrier for a person with a disability.

Fed up of number crunching

Well joy of all joys my DSA budget for technology to help with my course has gone WAAAAY over budget I have spent the last 2 days trying to work out what I can delete of the list of things I need, downsize or try and persuade uni to purchase.

It's supposed to be easy but no, it couldn't just run smoothly this is me we are talking about.

On top of that I have to find insurance for all the stuff that the DSA is paying for and get quotes. (luckily the LEA pays for the insurance of the equipment) its really complicated because lots of the stuff is really specialised to me as a Visually Impaired person, I'm filling out forms trying to work out if a talking spell checker come under computer equipment or portable electronics. its of course the same for the CCTV (video magnifier) talking dictaphone etc. I also have to take out a separate insurance policy for all of my belongings so its all really complicated.

I have had enough!

some news and other useless information for your reading pleasure

Well first up I absolutely feel it is necessary to declare my extreme hate and disgust at my computer! For no apparent reason it is running slower and slower everyday it seems and I am battling against continuous crashes, freezes and general slowness!

The usual defragment's and disk clean-ups don't seem to be having an impact, I even removed a whole gigabyte of data from it and its still not speeding up, I fear its coming to the end of its life.

I have been trying to do a project using Windows Movie Maker this evening and it has crashed twice already, I have now given up on what I was trying to do after it got to the point where I had to unplug the computer and boot it up again!

So I'm here updating this, for your reading pleasure and about time too! Its probably karma telling me to vent to you all about the crapness of the technological situation!
(if there are any large computer manufactures out there I would like it to be known that all donations are great fully received!)

The huge moan aside the real reason I wanted to write was because I found out on Friday that training with Gus is defiantly going ahead and that we will be training residentially in a very posh hotel!

Its great news, if I had been given the choice I would have always preferred to do residential training, it being my first dog it will give us some really good quality time without Ian or anyone else being a distraction.

So we start training together on the 23rd of June and I am seriously counting down the days, I have a lot of stuff to do before I disappear off for a whole 2 weeks, not to mention another 2 A level exams to sit. I really can't wait to get stuck in to training; I know its going to be hard work but it's going to be worth it!

Apparently there are 3 of us on class with one trainer and the class is taking place in a really nice hotel in Southampton, I will spend 2 weeks residentially there and then another 2 weeks (ish depending how it goes) training at home. It's really good the training is in Southampton because I will be living there in September, it will give me a chance to get to know the place a lot better and hopefully learn some routes.

I GOT IN!

Today I had an interview, given my issues with anxiety I was shit scared... still hoping for the best but really nervous.

Luckely it went well, it was at southampton solent universicty for there journalism course I was nervious, but I think I covered it well, and best of all I got.... an UN-CONDITIONAL offer!!!!!!!

Which as soon as it comes through on the system I shall be accepting, I'm so glad I got in, I really really wanted to do the course at solent and now I am!

Update

Well this is really just a general update of what’s been going on, some good, some very good and some bad. The reason behind it is that generally I have not really said much about what’s going on in my life at the moment so here is your Jemma update starting from just before Christmas.

Well my GP increased my dose of AD's it really didn't work out at all and just made things horrifically worse, so I am on new ones. So far they seem to be working out OK , I have only been on them about 10 days ish, the only downside being that they are a complete no-no with alcohol so I'm back to being a compleate non drinker. The worsted thing about that is that I still have half a bottle of lime tequila left that I got for Christmas, still it’s really nice in fajitas so I will live.

I found out a few weeks ago that I have an interview for a uni, not my first choice uni but its still an interview, I’m currently just trying to work out how I’m going to get there but it should all be ok.

I have my first January exam tomorrow, I’m rather nervous, I don’t like exams but I no that deep down inside I know what its on. so I should do ok, my teacher says she’s expecting an A, but understands how nervous I get!

Then I have another exam next Wednesday, that one will be awful I’m really not looking forward to it, its biology and I no that I am doing ridiculously badly and am bottom of my class, I failed the mock (got a U) so I have no hope in hell of passing first time round pretty much!

Now to finish on a really positive note I’m now in a relationship with my gorgeous hunk Dave, and it’s great. We have known each other for years, the first time we met we hit off really well, (and he hit a guy in the balls with a bean bag, it was an accident!) but for some unknown reason did not swap numbers, then we didn't see each other for years practically then we met up again through Goalball, and things went from there, we have been going out since new year and its great!

Bad week

I have had one of the most ridicules emotional roller coaster weeks ever! Most of which has been on the down side of life. I find it so hard to write and be creative when my depressions taken hold and I am very aware that I want to blog both here and on Ouch! but I just don't have the ideas, or the drive. Here's a day by day account of my week!


Monday- Seems so long ago was OKish to start with but then as I was leaving bumped in to one of my teachers who had a bit of a go at me, informed me that I'm going to fail. Given the fact that I was a bit emotional due to the funeral on Tuesday this didn't go down well. Put me further down in to a deep low. I was so low in fact I couldn't go to guides.


Tuesday- Well Tuesday was expected to be bad I had to contend with going to see my GP which always fills me with fear, and going to the funeral of my godmother.

The GP was terrifying, she did actually remember to come and find me, which was at least one plus. Then I was slightly shocked as she asked me how she could help today and I was like "erm you told me to see you in two months" not the best start, I suppose I needed to feel remembered. Told her how bad things were how I can't concentrate academically and that I rarely sleep before 1 am. Basically the out come was an increase in dose of my med's and shes trying to speed up the counselling referral, other than that I get the impression there is absolutely nothing anyone can do!


The funeral was very sad as expected, it was a lovely service tho they read out a poem written by my godmother sue when she was just ten, i cry'ed from start to finish and I'm not ashamed of that it shows how much i care about her. I still cant quite process that she will never come to stay with us again and I will never hear her call me 'widget' ever again.


Wednesday- I approached with dread, its my busiest college day and was somewhat boring to say the least. the teacher of one of my courses really doesn't like me, or my Friend I don't no why she has to make it so obvious she doesn't like us. I hate to think what my report is going to look like.

Thursday- well that was interesting I have finally finished the immense horror that is the UCAS application form! hurrah!! so I had to pay for that and do all the running round college like a headless chicken trying to sort it out stuff.

Then I had a meeting with the head of LSU I was completely terrified but it went OK, she wants me to be more independent, its all she goes on about, kinda annoys me but never mind. Then the next thing she talked to me about Biology I'm rather behind, so I'm getting a session a week with the head of LSU to try and help me catch up.


Friday- This is where the emotional roller coaster cane in, I was HIGH! seriously I was really like me and I wasn't low, it was just so bloody random don't get me wrong a high is a nice thing when you have been low for so long but it was just so out of the blue, J even said I looked more "animated" I don't really understand what that means. In hindsight I have realised that the high was probably due to the increased dose of antidepressants and the beta blockers!


Basically that was last week.

One for my fans!

I shall be appearing on BBC radio 4 tomorrow at 5:30pm!

I will be on a show called iPM, discussing why I am not the greatest fan of mobility scooters and that there are calls within parliament to introduce a mobility scooter driving test.

It is possible to listen to the show anytime after it is aired at 5:30pm tomorrow, so I expect you all to listen and tell me how fab I am.

click here for there website.

Its very exciting especially as I am actually going to Roehampton university's open day tomorrow and the BBC are paying to get me a cab from Roehampton to there studio and back again.

I'm massively excited, especially as I am going in to journalism!