I am going to fight!

Ok so I am waiting for a consultant to call me and tell me whether the professor thinks it is clinically worth while to treat my eye.

Of course its clinically worth while! I can still See colour and do finger counting, I still have something so lets try and keep it that way. 

Without treatment my right eye will defiantly get worse and eventually I will have nothing left- nada -no vision. Who knows how fast that will happen but its almost guaranteed I will lose all the vision in my right eye.

I am 20 I already have a few problems with my left eye, surly my right eye should be worth saving?

If they decide its not worth saving the vision in my right eye I am going to fight the decision, I possibly have a lot of fighting coming up as even if they decide its clinically worth while they have to apply to the PCT for funding to treat me because of my unique condition.

So I am waiting to hear and getting ready for a fight, it saddens me how much I have to fight sometimes but it simply has to be done.

Crazy again

This post is therapy I will say that from the off set it is for my own benefit to get things out there so they are not just in my head.

After 8 ish months of being on antidepressants but psychologically well, I'm depressed and ill again.

If I am honest it snuck up on me covering my world with a big black blanket, removing the colour from my thoughts, I saw it coming so tried to take action, but nothing is immediate and now the situation is deteriorating. Whatever action I take has a waiting list, I have to carry on in the dark and Wait for my turn to get help.

I'm back in a place I thought I had left behind, with behaviours I thought I have left behind.

I am now already struggling with the day to day of university life, my insomnia has got so bad, that when I eventually fall asleep (usually sometime between 4 and 5 am) I literally cannot wake up in time for my 9am lectures. My body says that it is tired and I turn every alarm clock off in my sleep, sometimes walking across my room to accomplish the task.

Assignments seem impossible.

The evaluation assignment we have just been set is terrifying, at a time like this when I am not well I can't see the things that I am good at, I see every mistake I have ever made, I think I am crap at everything although that is possibly not the case.

In a way its good that I have at least recognised that I am unwell again, that's part of the battle isn't it admitting that you have a problem.

How did I get here? Is another part of the battle, I think I have been warn down by stress and recent events reminding me of past negative experiences.

So that it then I'm back to crazy depressed anxious Jemma, waiting for help.

when to give up

Its a question I am asking myself, when do I give up trying to help members of the course team understand me?

I have been studying the universities student complaints procedure, I don't want to use it, but I am seriously running out of options.

It would be true to say that right now things have reached a crisis point, things should not have got to the stage where a lecturer and myself are shouting at each other across a lecture theater. I am sure many of you reading this are fully aware of the situation I was put in on Wednesday, I am not an aggressive person, but when I am shouted at because a so-called lecturer does not possess any understanding of my disability I have to defend myself.

The access issues I have faced since being at university have somewhat surprised me, I always knew that I would face challenges and access issues but I  hoped that lecturers would work with me not against me to smooth any issues.

I am having one final attempt at solving these issues informally. Next week I will be having a number of meetings with members of the course team, if things cannot be sorted out then it will be time to start the formal stage of the official complaints procedure.

I am going to end this blog entry with a somewhat desperate plea, I consider myself to be an independent person but I cannot continue the way things are at the moment, I would  ask others to speak out about the way I am forgotten if they witness what is going on.

I do this in understanding that many of you do not feel able to speak out on my behalf for fear of being patronising, I promise you I will not take that view point, if you feel able to act please do. I need as many people to hammer the message home, if lecturers will not listen to me or the disability support people then my only hope is to irritate them into compliance.

Climbing barriers repeatedly

This year at university has been great, but filled with issues and problems and barriers to my learning.

It is important to mention at this point that there have been some fabulous people, and some committed and brilliant lecturers who never fail to meet my access needs and think of me in every circumstance.

Then there are those people who don't help at all, who for  a time could not possibly produce a large print hand out for me... until of course they were reminded by me of a little something known as The DDA (Disability Discrimination Act). After that shocker people started getting me large print handouts, and copies of power point presentations as they happen so I actually know whats going on. (finally)

That was one major issue resolved for the most part, it took 8 weeks but hey-ho sorted now.

There have however been countless issues.... one after the other in a near constant stream. Every issue is another barrier for me to battle to clime over, wonky legs and all!

Climbing over these barriers and battling to insure that people understand, is quite frankly wearing me down. 

Most of the issues I am facing could be avoided, a little extra planning could go a long way or a little organisation!

The most recent thing that has happened is the start of semester 2, it starts on Monday and I am expecting another bumpy ride at least in the beginning. The time table has completely changed, I have new staff teaching me and new rooms to find. All of this is going to throw up issues,  I am expecting that there will be glitches and I am fine with that.

To try and smooth out issues before they happen I have asked that all my new lecturers see something called a 'faculty form'. Basically the faculty form states what ALL of my disabilities and conditions are, it states what I need in lessons and spells out the basics. 

I would much rather people know that I am disabled before I walk through the door it allows them time to plan there lesson and avoids embarrassment.

Well I emailed the people concerned as a little don't forget to look at my faculty form, I have now received a email, that I was copied into from the faculty office with a word document that I produced at the begging of the year that concerns my visual impairment, I was at the time trying to simplify things purely relating to my VI.

Everyone always forgets my other conditions they may be marginally less significant than my Visual Impairment at this moment in time but that will not always be the case, I would rather people where prepared.

There was no mention of my bone condition (the wonky legs and hyper-mobile joints), the one that makes standing still in the same place for periods of time difficult, makes me wobble and makes stairs tricky.

There was no mention of my mental health, I may be in recovery right now but I am still receiving treatment on my way to being fully well again without medication.

I have come to the conclusion they either don't understand what my faculty form is, or that its filed away somewhere and they can't find it.

I don't get it  the faculty form is the most basic and simple of things all I want is for all my lecturers to see it, surly it s not that difficult.

It may be wearing me down but I will just have to keep climbing over the barriers.

Can I also say a big thanks to all the people out there who have ever tried to remove an access barrier from any ones path, your actions make all the other barriers seem achievable and remind those of us who have to climb the barriers that there are people looking out for them.

Difficulties

It's not been the easiest of weeks back and first off I should explain why I have not yet posted about the models of disability as I promised a few weeks back via the joy that is Facebook!

I had 2 big deadlines on Monday of this week so the majority of my time has been spent on that, I have started the post on the models of disability, but as it is a complex topic with many areas of debate I wish to make sure what I do upload is balanced and honest yet informed so I shall not be rushing it!

So far this week has not been a particularly good one, on Saturday (as many people will already know) my toaster blew up, which is devastating, being the independent woman that I am I got my mum to buy me a new one and she is bringing it down on Thursday!

Then literally minutes later my computer mouse stopped working, its fine again now but it was very frustrating! (and rather random)

I also feel the need to portray that I am sitting here writing this at 1AM because there is a drip on my roof, dripping more than once a second and making a great deal of noise, I would really love to be asleep, but its constant and very irritating; aside from that there seems to be an incredibly large number of drunk people about which is not helping matters. I start work at 9AM this morning I don't think I will get much sleep.

I don't like writing to much about my course but I feel I have to, of late things have not been going to well, actually there have been a lot of glitches regarding my inclusion.

The university is very inclusive as an organisation, and does a very good job of promoting diversity and inclusion. It is now not only the place where I study but my employer, which I think says a lot about the place.

So far the inclusion on the course itself has not been great, I think unfortunately this is down to peoples attitudes, lack of consideration and the general disorganisation of the faculty I am in.

There have been countless problems, It took me pointing out to a lecturer that he was in breach of the DDA (disability discrimination act) meaning I was within my right to take legal action for him to produce a large print handout, I should not have to do that, it should not take 6 weeks of me repeatedly telling everyone and then me losing my temper to get is sorted out.

There have been numerous issues over course content, I have had to endure attempting to create a visual design scrapbook which is as inaccessible to a visually impaired person as its name suggests. 

I have sat in lessons for 2 hours doing nothing because I cannot use the video editing software that is used, it would have been a better use of time to sit at home doing work instead of sitting in a room with no alternative given and simply being told we would be working in groups so I would not need to edit.

I had a trip to court on Monday, which I was told about on Friday not giving me enough time to book note taking assistance, leaving me incredibly venerable, anxious and generally like a confidence sieve.

I, and my needs have been forgotten on countless occasions.

We are in the last week of semester 1 and have just come back from the christmas break but already I have had issues, and the member of staff I booked a meeting with was less than supportive, I seriously wanted to cry (and very nearly did).

I am not indestructible things do get to me, I do get warn down by the continuous flow of issues and right now If you cannot already tell by the tone of this latest blog entry I am not happy.

I am fed up of speaking out alone about these issues-others witness but do not act, I am fed up of the lack of understanding or even the lack of willingness to understand.

I have had enough!

Review of 2009 > Hopes for 2009

It's 2009  so I wanted to wish all readers a happy new year and wish you all a happy, healthy year filled with great stuff!

I also thought I should write some kind of reflection on 2008 and my hopes for 2009, so here it goes.

2008 started with a new relationship, which at the time was fantastic, however 6 months later it became very apparent that it was wrong for both of us to continue how we where, we where in hindsight simply too different; that was the end of that. At the time devastating but now it was the right thing to happen.

The first half of the year was pretty mundane, I was ticking over at college, with a unconditional offer I didn't NEED to be there, naturally motivation to continue diminished, leaving me running at tick over, putting in lots of effort was pointless.

Of course lets not forget that for the first half of the year I was in the deep, darkness of major depression trying to find an anti-depressant that worked for me and wondering if I would ever be the same person again. I went on some horrible meds in this time that made me ill or seemed to improve my condition for a few weeks and then caused me to drop back down with a big bump, I remained on the end of a very long waiting list for further treatment on the NHS, and felt rubbish!  

Eventually my fantastic (now former) GP got me on the right medication for me, everyone is different and it takes time to find these things, but things started to look up.

Then in May I got a phone call that has completely changed my life,  a call form Guide Dogs to say they thought they had a match for me, the match of course being Gus who you will all know the story of.

At the end of June, begging of July Gus and I trained and my life changed hugely for the better, he really is guide dog of the year material!

Not only did this mark the start of me and my boy it marked the end of college and time to start preparing for the move to university, big but positive changes where afoot.

September saw the start of university which is fantastic, breaking news day which was utterly terrifying but probably good, and meeting all the new people. Gus and I continue to have a fantastic time at univeristy, I think Gus sometimes wishes there where more dogs at university to play with but over all he loves it.

( HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY NEW UNI BUDDIES!! see you Monday.)

Sadly 2008 also saw the end of my guest blogging for Ouch! I hope to be able to do more stuff with the team in the future but for now I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities they gave me as a teenager with no idea what to do with there life they helped me to find my path and follow it!

So what about 2009? 

I have many hopes for the year, my first of which is to try and be less of a complete wuss, I need to have more confidence in my writing ability, not something that can be done over night by anymeans but a year should be a start.

I hope to be off my anti-depressants by the end of 2009, I am now in recovery but the medication I am on is rather a high dose and highly addictive, so this is more of a challenge than it may seem to some, I am determined to get there and hope that 2009 will see me in a true state of recovery!

I hope Gus has a healthier new year, that is accident free and good for him.

I all ready have a lot of things planned for the new year, lots of which you will probably hear about here first so I would also like to take a moment to thank you all for reading this crap!

Retraction

The title says it all really here I have to make a big apology for one of my entry's that has caused offence and upset. (THIS entry)

When I started diary of a monkey it was never my intention to upset, harass or offend anyone, and I am upset myself that it would appear that I have. Until it was brought to my attention today I didn't realise that comments I had made here were offensive and upsetting.

I have myself made the mistake of generalising and misunderstanding the situation mentioned.

Depression makes me see the negatives in situations, in many instances it causes the good things to be completely consumed by all the bad things that happen, thus leaving me with a negative view of the situation, this is what happened regarding that entry. This is in no way an excuse I should have thought more about the comments I made, but it defiantly clouded my view point.

All that is left for me to say is that I am truly sorry and have learnt from my mistake and will endeavour not to let anything like this ever happen again.

Update again!

Well after the second matching visit with Jenny, it was decided jointly that she was too small for me, we could have worked as a team but it was just not quite right, its sad but I understnad they have to find me the right dog for the job!

Next up really I just wanted to showcase some of my ouch stuff, recently I have writtern what I think is a resonably good blog entry about depression statistics.

There is another post all about gravity, that was incoraged by a gravity related incedent.


(ok i apologise right now the spell checker on blogger appears to be not workign i will correct the no doubt many spelling erros at a later date)

Update

Well this is really just a general update of what’s been going on, some good, some very good and some bad. The reason behind it is that generally I have not really said much about what’s going on in my life at the moment so here is your Jemma update starting from just before Christmas.

Well my GP increased my dose of AD's it really didn't work out at all and just made things horrifically worse, so I am on new ones. So far they seem to be working out OK , I have only been on them about 10 days ish, the only downside being that they are a complete no-no with alcohol so I'm back to being a compleate non drinker. The worsted thing about that is that I still have half a bottle of lime tequila left that I got for Christmas, still it’s really nice in fajitas so I will live.

I found out a few weeks ago that I have an interview for a uni, not my first choice uni but its still an interview, I’m currently just trying to work out how I’m going to get there but it should all be ok.

I have my first January exam tomorrow, I’m rather nervous, I don’t like exams but I no that deep down inside I know what its on. so I should do ok, my teacher says she’s expecting an A, but understands how nervous I get!

Then I have another exam next Wednesday, that one will be awful I’m really not looking forward to it, its biology and I no that I am doing ridiculously badly and am bottom of my class, I failed the mock (got a U) so I have no hope in hell of passing first time round pretty much!

Now to finish on a really positive note I’m now in a relationship with my gorgeous hunk Dave, and it’s great. We have known each other for years, the first time we met we hit off really well, (and he hit a guy in the balls with a bean bag, it was an accident!) but for some unknown reason did not swap numbers, then we didn't see each other for years practically then we met up again through Goalball, and things went from there, we have been going out since new year and its great!

I attract strange people

If I'm honest i cant remember if i have blogged about this before so apologies if this is a little dull but i was reminded this morning of my ability to attract the strangest of people.

For example i was in a restaurant with a friend and we were both really distracted by this woman on the table next to us with the strangest voice ever. i was trying to explain something to my friend and was completely put off my train of thought and was suddenly just concentrating on not laughing. We where sat there trying to have more conversations and it just wasn't happening then i suddenly realised what the woman sounded like and just whispered in my mates ear "Orville the duck" we both cracked up.

Then there was the very strange man on the train platform who came up to me and said 'can i ask you a question'? i said yer thinking it would be something like do you no this blind guy who lives in .... but no the question was "are you bind in your dreams"? that was a strange one i was just willing the doors of the train to open so i could escape!

Mind you i was once asked if i can see less with my glasses on!

Then on another meal with my friend we were just leaving the restaurant when the waiter jumped out on us and started saying we hadn't payed, we had. but we had to stand there and tell him repeatedly that we had given the right amount in front of the whole restaurant who were now staring at us.

Then there was the pharmacist who when i went to get my antidepressants said to me "they can make things worse you no poppet but if you feel suicidal don't do, it go to a&e sweetheart" i know its her job to say that but i suppose you had to be there to understand the way she said it was very strange!

that's all the strange people i can think of for now but I'm sure there will be more in the future, one quick note before i leave. regular readers will no i do a little bit of blogging for Ouch its a tiny bit on hold at the moment because the ouch blog isn't feeling very well.

diary of a monkey would like to to wish the ouch blog the speediest of recoveries and hope it is back to its normal wittiness soon!

Sleeeeeeeep!

God! I really really need more sleep!

The only problem with this plan is its not happening. last night for example I just couldn't settle down and then when I did (I estimate about 1am ish) I woke up again when I heard my dad leaving for work at 4! two and a bit hours later it was time to get up for college.

The result of this I'm exhausted I'm really tiered, I'm sitting here in the library at college trying to stay awake writing on here instead of working.

I'm quite frankly pissed off my my regular inability to sleep, told my GP all about it at our last appointment and she is trying to speed up my referral.

I suppose the sensible thing to do right now is to make a plan, I need to plan what I am going to do when I have finished writing this in order to stay awake, I'm thinking fresh air and coffee... I no I shall walk in to town and buy a coffee and then if I'm physically tiered afterwards I can get the bus back.

Sounds like a plan!

Bad week

I have had one of the most ridicules emotional roller coaster weeks ever! Most of which has been on the down side of life. I find it so hard to write and be creative when my depressions taken hold and I am very aware that I want to blog both here and on Ouch! but I just don't have the ideas, or the drive. Here's a day by day account of my week!


Monday- Seems so long ago was OKish to start with but then as I was leaving bumped in to one of my teachers who had a bit of a go at me, informed me that I'm going to fail. Given the fact that I was a bit emotional due to the funeral on Tuesday this didn't go down well. Put me further down in to a deep low. I was so low in fact I couldn't go to guides.


Tuesday- Well Tuesday was expected to be bad I had to contend with going to see my GP which always fills me with fear, and going to the funeral of my godmother.

The GP was terrifying, she did actually remember to come and find me, which was at least one plus. Then I was slightly shocked as she asked me how she could help today and I was like "erm you told me to see you in two months" not the best start, I suppose I needed to feel remembered. Told her how bad things were how I can't concentrate academically and that I rarely sleep before 1 am. Basically the out come was an increase in dose of my med's and shes trying to speed up the counselling referral, other than that I get the impression there is absolutely nothing anyone can do!


The funeral was very sad as expected, it was a lovely service tho they read out a poem written by my godmother sue when she was just ten, i cry'ed from start to finish and I'm not ashamed of that it shows how much i care about her. I still cant quite process that she will never come to stay with us again and I will never hear her call me 'widget' ever again.


Wednesday- I approached with dread, its my busiest college day and was somewhat boring to say the least. the teacher of one of my courses really doesn't like me, or my Friend I don't no why she has to make it so obvious she doesn't like us. I hate to think what my report is going to look like.

Thursday- well that was interesting I have finally finished the immense horror that is the UCAS application form! hurrah!! so I had to pay for that and do all the running round college like a headless chicken trying to sort it out stuff.

Then I had a meeting with the head of LSU I was completely terrified but it went OK, she wants me to be more independent, its all she goes on about, kinda annoys me but never mind. Then the next thing she talked to me about Biology I'm rather behind, so I'm getting a session a week with the head of LSU to try and help me catch up.


Friday- This is where the emotional roller coaster cane in, I was HIGH! seriously I was really like me and I wasn't low, it was just so bloody random don't get me wrong a high is a nice thing when you have been low for so long but it was just so out of the blue, J even said I looked more "animated" I don't really understand what that means. In hindsight I have realised that the high was probably due to the increased dose of antidepressants and the beta blockers!


Basically that was last week.

Wow it's been a long time!

Sorry dear readers I havn't blogged in a while, I have had a truly manic few weeks, infact last week I was at college all day and out every evening.

This entry is basically going to be a boring update on whats been happerning in my life.

I tuned 19 last wensday(31st of October), I offically feel rather old, its like I have made that transition from child to adult its quite strange, i feel like I should be responcible, reliable and mature, not really sure weather im any of those things but never mind.

Other than that everything else that has happened has been rather negative, I've just found out my godmother has terminal cancer, thats really bad.

I had a really rubbish week at college last week, to be honest I have been in a low patch for the last 3 ish weeks, but I think I'm finally on my way out of it, but I havnt felt like I could blog, have had some serious insomnia going on!

Anyway lets not depress everyone now, I'm currently working on a project writing a piece called "love bites" hopefully it will go well, not sure yet.

a mixture of happernings

well firstly i need heaps of sympathy and love because i have a really nasty cold and sore throat which is horrid!

on a happier note my dad has just ordered me a DAISY talking book player! i couldn't actually believe it when he did i have wanted one for so long its not gonna arrive for ages but its exciting stuff!

i had a GP appointment today and it confirmed that i have sprained my shoulder and since my Doctor moved it around it hurts so much more!

also decided to keep me on the same AD's and not change them at all i haven't got to go back for 2 months which is a bit amazing.

collage has been a bit rubbish of late but with any luck it will get better, I'm going on two trips next week.

oh and I'm continuing to write for ouch and my podcast mug arrived yesterday.

oooo and i have decided on a degree course i plan to do a combined honors in human rights (major) and journalism (minor)

wierdness

Well I don't quite no what to say, I got back from D of E on Sunday evening.

It was an emotional roller coaster as expected, unfortunately more of a downward one that a positive. It all went quite wrong and was truly the hardest thing I have ever done.

There where also a few moments where my anxiety just took hold completely and I just felt utterly awful, all of these involved being off balance, high up, with gusting wind and generally terrified, unfortunately my anxiety didn't go back to a manageable level once I reached the ground, so I was not only pushing the physical limits of my body (weird bones and all) but also really on the edge of my psychological limits, and of course I couldn't actually tell anyone that, or explain and there was nothing they could do to help anyway.

If I'm really honest I very nearly quit many times, I didn't think I could get through it, I don't want to sound like a complete idiot here but I only really kept going because I was determined it wasn't gonna beet me and I didn't want the rest of the group, particularly my tent partner to fail because of me (unfortunately I think that nearly happened anyway, thank god it didn't)

So I was going to blog for ouch about the whole experience, right now I don't feel I can, even though I/we passed it feels like we failed, its all very complex but a lot went wrong.

My Art

Recently I have rediscovered my love of art, I'm not your usual art lover tho, I don't get classical art all tho I am often in awe of those famous artists as there works are skillful, just not me. I'm partially sighted so my disability denotes that I am unlikely to be fabulous at art in the world of fully sighted people and if I'm honest the thought of spending my weekend looking at a load of pictures hung on a wall is not fun.

Its amazing I can deal with even the thought of being artistic, the scars from school art lessons, being the only partially sighted one. In junior school I was the one who's drawing was never as good as anyone else's, or the one who's waterfall looked like a heap of wet newspaper. The other kids didn't really understand there was a reason I was so rubbish at being creative. Actually at some points the teachers didn't even get it I remember distinctly when I was in year 4 at school and my teacher said to the class 'people with glasses can see more than people without so they are even better at copying art'. I have no idea where she got that idea from, but I seem to remember it annoying me!



In secondary school it was little better if not worse, the art staff where patronising, really patronising, they gave up on me before I had even picked up a pencil, they could just tell, probably because of my disability that I would be rubbish. I had to endure the head of art pretending to no what my picture was of, getting round it by saying ' I like the way you have created movement' when I had actually drawn a rock. One of my favorite lesions of art (NOT) was when we where doing something, I can't even remember what it was but we where using very fine pencils and pressing very lightly, that was the idea anyway. So me, nose to paper forced by the teacher to use the same pencil as everyone else tried my best, what I ended up with was a landscape of hills and mountains and sky , my teacher actually said it was one of the best pieces I had done all year and gave me a merit. I was surprised but to be honest couldn't really see the whole picture so assumed it must have been sort of all right. well in next weeks lesson we where doing some painting type thing I opened my art book to the first available page did my art. Teacher came up to me to look at it and we where both shocked to discover I had actually painted all over last weeks work, I couldn't even see it was there.

So school art was pretty horrific, I mean that was a brief selection of the horrors, not including things from the other pupils!

I only really got in to art and thought i could do something constructive, possibly even good, after I brought my graphics tablet. For those who don't know a graphics tablet is basically a small pen and pad which you plug in to the PC and use instead of the mouse to do arty stuff. Its opened up a whole new world of creativity for me, I haven't been able to use my graphics tablet since my PC blew up last year, at that time I lost all my work, everything I had created.

Now finally on Thursday I reinstalled the software and shock horror it worked!

since then I have really realised just how much I missed not having it, I cant stop creating, doodling and generally making a virtual mess.



I have created a number of images (which can be seen in the slide show under the title of this blog) One of them I have even entered in to the mind M.A.D art exhibition. its called 'A world of brightness' and here it is.

Infuriating visit to the GP

Apologies in advance as this is most definitely a terribly written rant about my negative experience at my doctors surgery today, wich was truely infurating!

Today I had to see a GP to get some more anti-depressants, I was supposed to be seeing my own GP on Thursday but I'm going on holiday tomorrow, so I had to move the appointment. I then couldn't get another appointment with my GP so had to see a locum.

I arrived at the surgery with my mum who had to see the nurse briefly, my mother is nearly totally blind, and the receptionist was really really unhelpful!

In our surgery there is a LED board type thing that displays the patient name and where to go, it is a visual symbol but there is no audio announcement apart from a small beep, really helpful if you cant read the screen!

The receptionist said she would tell my mum when it was her turn to go in and then didn't. Another patent told my mum it was her turn so my mum went to the desk with her guide dog Ian to ask for assistance, to find out where to go the receptionist ignored my mums existence, despite my mum asking her specifically if she could help! Again another patent had to step in and guide my mum to the room! that should not happen!

Then when it was my turn to see the doctor I too had the same problem with the screen again another patient told me it was my turn, however this time I went to the desk and did get some help. On leaving the surgery I was informed that they didn't realise I was visually impaired, long cane, thick glasses and wobbling eyes not a big enough clue? Apparently it has now been put next to my name that I need assistance, great.

The problem with the screen system was pointed out last year when the surgery opened, my mum even phoned the RNIB to get them to speak to the practice manager who was less than helpful, and said that there was not a problem. clearly there is.

When I finally got to see the Doctor it was a very irritating appointment, I explained the situation that I needed more anti-depressants because I was going to run out before I got to see my GP. I then had to listen to the GP going on about how I'm very young to be on anti-depressants (I'm 18 therefore in the eyes of the medical profession an adult) and that she wanted me to be taken off them as soon as possible. I was very much against this, they have helped but not solved the problem, I'm on a waiting list for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and counselling, taking me off them before getting me the right treatment could be bad.

In the end she gave me a months supply, completely refused to give me a repeat prescription and told me to see my regular GP when I got back.

The only problem with that is, as of Friday my GP is on holiday for three and a half weeks, so I will probably end up having to see another locum, whilst waiting to see my GP.

Arugh!

It's all so irritating!

Recently

I have been rather busy, on Friday I went to beaulieu (yes I had to look up the spelling of that) it was great fun, we went on the monorail and on the old bus. we also went into the house and the Abby. The whole place was strangely un-accessible tho it did make me wonder how they got away with it, there appeared to be rather limited wheelchair access. only a few of there steps where marked...which was hazardous, there where lots of overhanging bushes and my most embarrassing "they could have done better on the access front" moment was there doors, when you pay for your entrance in to beaulieu you walk through a set of clear glass doors, I did not realise they where there! Anyway moan over it was really fun we had ice cream looked round gardens, got stuff blown every were in the cafe, went on a slightly scary monorail and looked at nice cars. we also went on the wheel thing where you look at the history of cars was really cool.

Then on Friday evening I went back to my friends and we played swing ball and a bit of catch and then had a very lush Chinese, it was a really lovely day!

Then on Saturday I went to a family anniversary party all my dads side of the family where there and it was my half-cousin's 5th wedding anniversary and it was really fun, I spent a lot of time holding some very sweet baby's, and giving them back when it was toilet time, did do quite a lot of nose wiping tho!

To be honest I'm writing this trying to hang on to those good things, I've been pretty down and alone, even wen I'm with other people

I'm finding the holidays harder than I thought, I never for a million years thought I would say these words but I'm missing college. At college there are places to go, things to be done, people to talk to and most importantly it's a reason to get up in the morning, to make myself get up.

Anyway I'm doing better than I was on the last anti-depressants I think these ones might actually be helping....so we will see how it goes...only time will tell.

To end on a positive note, I'm going away on Tuesday!!! its only to slough which is most peoples idea of the most hellish holiday destination ever but I'm going to see my auntie and her partner and her dog so its good :D