Merry Christmas- Thank you!

Hello and I would like to say a very merry Christmas and a happy new year to everyone who reads this, it is indeed my first blogging festive season and I feel as if I am celebrating the first Christmas of my baby.

Starting this blog has brought me so much, most of which I thought I would never achieve, and I would like to personally thank everyone who has helped me on my way. Special mentions to Lady B, Seahorse, and Vaughan. Without them my blog would be gathering dust and I would never have worked out what to do with my life after college. When it all started I was struggling to cope with exams and was facing up to the reality that I was not going to get the grades I needed for my chosen career at the time. Blogging has given me a new focus and has opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe I am sort of good at this whole writing thing.

As a result I'm now blogging for Ouch! something I never though even possible. I have grown up and matured reading the brilliant writing of Liz Carr, Mat Fraser, Laurence Clark, Tom Shakespeare, Damon Rose, and the list could go on and on. It was my dream that I would one day work for Ouch but growing up I never thought I would ever be up to there standard, I still have LOTS to learn but my blogging for ouch has given me exposure, experience and allowed me to grasp that maybe one day I will be good enough.

Thanks to all at Ouch and everyone who has welcomed me into the blogging community.

At risk of this sounding like a corny award winners speech (no I have not one any awards) there are a few more people I need to thank for all there help this year.

Dan, you know who you are, you are the best friend anyone could ever wish for, and amazing at spelling, which we all no is my biggest downfall, you will one day co write my biography with me which will of course be called "brave special different" and be a best seller. You have helped me out so much and are always around when I need a chat or someone to bounce ideas off, Thank you I hope 2008 goes really well for you.

Rose what can be said you are my twin! We think the same and can tell each other anything and are the best of girly friends. I don’t think you even read this but as my best friend, I could not help but to give you a mention. We have spent many an evening watching movies under my duvet on the couch (you hiding away from the gory bits) and are fabulous fajita nights. I hope Uni is everything you want it to be in 2008.

Finally I need to thank the parents who are emmecly prowed of everything I have allredy achived.

Arugh!

I have finally got my contacts!

I got them last Tuesday and after a few initial teething problems had been getting on great.

I wore them for two and a half hours last night, was doing really well.

Went to put them in earlier and the left one is gone!

I must have dropped it last night, well I took them out when I was sat on my bed, in pajamas, and I was sure they both went in the pot so I have no idea where my left contact lens is!

This sucks even more because I'm meeting up with my old acting class tomorrow, I wanted to surprise them, now I'm not.

*goes off and has a tantrum*

Sleeeeeeeep!

God! I really really need more sleep!

The only problem with this plan is its not happening. last night for example I just couldn't settle down and then when I did (I estimate about 1am ish) I woke up again when I heard my dad leaving for work at 4! two and a bit hours later it was time to get up for college.

The result of this I'm exhausted I'm really tiered, I'm sitting here in the library at college trying to stay awake writing on here instead of working.

I'm quite frankly pissed off my my regular inability to sleep, told my GP all about it at our last appointment and she is trying to speed up my referral.

I suppose the sensible thing to do right now is to make a plan, I need to plan what I am going to do when I have finished writing this in order to stay awake, I'm thinking fresh air and coffee... I no I shall walk in to town and buy a coffee and then if I'm physically tiered afterwards I can get the bus back.

Sounds like a plan!

Bad week

I have had one of the most ridicules emotional roller coaster weeks ever! Most of which has been on the down side of life. I find it so hard to write and be creative when my depressions taken hold and I am very aware that I want to blog both here and on Ouch! but I just don't have the ideas, or the drive. Here's a day by day account of my week!


Monday- Seems so long ago was OKish to start with but then as I was leaving bumped in to one of my teachers who had a bit of a go at me, informed me that I'm going to fail. Given the fact that I was a bit emotional due to the funeral on Tuesday this didn't go down well. Put me further down in to a deep low. I was so low in fact I couldn't go to guides.


Tuesday- Well Tuesday was expected to be bad I had to contend with going to see my GP which always fills me with fear, and going to the funeral of my godmother.

The GP was terrifying, she did actually remember to come and find me, which was at least one plus. Then I was slightly shocked as she asked me how she could help today and I was like "erm you told me to see you in two months" not the best start, I suppose I needed to feel remembered. Told her how bad things were how I can't concentrate academically and that I rarely sleep before 1 am. Basically the out come was an increase in dose of my med's and shes trying to speed up the counselling referral, other than that I get the impression there is absolutely nothing anyone can do!


The funeral was very sad as expected, it was a lovely service tho they read out a poem written by my godmother sue when she was just ten, i cry'ed from start to finish and I'm not ashamed of that it shows how much i care about her. I still cant quite process that she will never come to stay with us again and I will never hear her call me 'widget' ever again.


Wednesday- I approached with dread, its my busiest college day and was somewhat boring to say the least. the teacher of one of my courses really doesn't like me, or my Friend I don't no why she has to make it so obvious she doesn't like us. I hate to think what my report is going to look like.

Thursday- well that was interesting I have finally finished the immense horror that is the UCAS application form! hurrah!! so I had to pay for that and do all the running round college like a headless chicken trying to sort it out stuff.

Then I had a meeting with the head of LSU I was completely terrified but it went OK, she wants me to be more independent, its all she goes on about, kinda annoys me but never mind. Then the next thing she talked to me about Biology I'm rather behind, so I'm getting a session a week with the head of LSU to try and help me catch up.


Friday- This is where the emotional roller coaster cane in, I was HIGH! seriously I was really like me and I wasn't low, it was just so bloody random don't get me wrong a high is a nice thing when you have been low for so long but it was just so out of the blue, J even said I looked more "animated" I don't really understand what that means. In hindsight I have realised that the high was probably due to the increased dose of antidepressants and the beta blockers!


Basically that was last week.

One for my fans!

I shall be appearing on BBC radio 4 tomorrow at 5:30pm!

I will be on a show called iPM, discussing why I am not the greatest fan of mobility scooters and that there are calls within parliament to introduce a mobility scooter driving test.

It is possible to listen to the show anytime after it is aired at 5:30pm tomorrow, so I expect you all to listen and tell me how fab I am.

click here for there website.

Its very exciting especially as I am actually going to Roehampton university's open day tomorrow and the BBC are paying to get me a cab from Roehampton to there studio and back again.

I'm massively excited, especially as I am going in to journalism!

Bad news

I got the news today that my godmother died in the early hours of this morning, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer last thursday so in a way its a blessing it was quick.

Contacts two

Well today was my second contact appointment, gosh there strange!

I will only be able to have contacts for distance vision, I will then need reading glasses.

Overall it didn't go to badly, it still might not work out, the latest concern is that after only half an hour of having them in I was getting dry eye, but as the opthermolegist said "suck it and see" there is no way of knowing until it happens.

Today was a little frustrating if truth be told, I was expecting today to be stick lenses in eyes try 'erm for a bit and then learn how to take them in and out and clean them and stuff. Today was only stick 'erm in and see what happens day, kinda feels like we didn't really get anywhere.

So now I have to wait for another appointment before I can actually start getting used to lenses some of the time, its all so slow!

Wow it's been a long time!

Sorry dear readers I havn't blogged in a while, I have had a truly manic few weeks, infact last week I was at college all day and out every evening.

This entry is basically going to be a boring update on whats been happerning in my life.

I tuned 19 last wensday(31st of October), I offically feel rather old, its like I have made that transition from child to adult its quite strange, i feel like I should be responcible, reliable and mature, not really sure weather im any of those things but never mind.

Other than that everything else that has happened has been rather negative, I've just found out my godmother has terminal cancer, thats really bad.

I had a really rubbish week at college last week, to be honest I have been in a low patch for the last 3 ish weeks, but I think I'm finally on my way out of it, but I havnt felt like I could blog, have had some serious insomnia going on!

Anyway lets not depress everyone now, I'm currently working on a project writing a piece called "love bites" hopefully it will go well, not sure yet.

Sundays

why oh why are Sundays so boring!

I really don't get it, actually I do here's why I think Sundays suck:

1. The transport system is rubbish on a Sunday, therefore I cant go anywhere that is further than walking distance.
2. Tomorrow is Monday, Mondays would suck more than Sundays but anything is an improvement on a Sunday.
3. Sunday is a day for family, or homework.
4. There is nothing decent on the television.
5. Most, if not all websites are not updated on a Sunday.

So overall you probably have got the idea that I really hate Sundays they are to boring for words and I am currently bored!

Wooooohoooooooo

wow!

I got DAISY!

My DAISY player arrived today and its amazing... the only slight hitch is that it arrived so quickly that I dont have anything to play in it, other than the instruction manual.

It is really easy to use and genrally great! wooooo

a mixture of happernings

well firstly i need heaps of sympathy and love because i have a really nasty cold and sore throat which is horrid!

on a happier note my dad has just ordered me a DAISY talking book player! i couldn't actually believe it when he did i have wanted one for so long its not gonna arrive for ages but its exciting stuff!

i had a GP appointment today and it confirmed that i have sprained my shoulder and since my Doctor moved it around it hurts so much more!

also decided to keep me on the same AD's and not change them at all i haven't got to go back for 2 months which is a bit amazing.

collage has been a bit rubbish of late but with any luck it will get better, I'm going on two trips next week.

oh and I'm continuing to write for ouch and my podcast mug arrived yesterday.

oooo and i have decided on a degree course i plan to do a combined honors in human rights (major) and journalism (minor)

wierdness

Well I don't quite no what to say, I got back from D of E on Sunday evening.

It was an emotional roller coaster as expected, unfortunately more of a downward one that a positive. It all went quite wrong and was truly the hardest thing I have ever done.

There where also a few moments where my anxiety just took hold completely and I just felt utterly awful, all of these involved being off balance, high up, with gusting wind and generally terrified, unfortunately my anxiety didn't go back to a manageable level once I reached the ground, so I was not only pushing the physical limits of my body (weird bones and all) but also really on the edge of my psychological limits, and of course I couldn't actually tell anyone that, or explain and there was nothing they could do to help anyway.

If I'm really honest I very nearly quit many times, I didn't think I could get through it, I don't want to sound like a complete idiot here but I only really kept going because I was determined it wasn't gonna beet me and I didn't want the rest of the group, particularly my tent partner to fail because of me (unfortunately I think that nearly happened anyway, thank god it didn't)

So I was going to blog for ouch about the whole experience, right now I don't feel I can, even though I/we passed it feels like we failed, its all very complex but a lot went wrong.

the joys of food

well i have just discovered something that i quite possibly just forgot about. in my child years i was addicted to the stuff and now it has been rediscovered for my own tastiness.

yes people I'm talking about Nutella sorry to be slightly boring and blog about a chocolate spread but its seriously good. its full of hazelnuty goodness and chocolate addiction and contains a vast amount of milk.

yes today I'm loving nutella, i have already had Nutella on toast and I'm seriously considering hot banana and Nutella.....

you can even check out there website and look at the history of Nutella here

shopping

Well I got some interesting news last week, DofE is back, we have at last found an assessor, we are going in approximately 2 weeks. one problem my walking boots have holes in!

Today said walking boots where placed into the bin, and a small ceremony took place, they where my first walking boots, I wore them constantly when I first got them. It took me a long time to find them, my feet are so strange to find a pair of decent comfy walking boots was a challenge, but there they where.

But as time has passed they have grown old, been scuffed and scraped, coated in inch thick layers of mud, paddled in the sea, been on huge hikes and little walks down the bay. they where reliable sturdy and above all comfortable.

That was until recently due to there repetitive hard use, they developed holes on the inside, right by my little toe, this then resulted in me developing(HUGE) blisters when I wore them for short periods of time. Then due to there age as time went on they became less and less water tight despite various attempts to reproof them wet feet still prevailed.

I had tried once before to replace them but that particular shopping trip came to no great ends. I could not find any that worked for me and my feet, so today I left the house to go to find some new ones, which I needed desperately with slight apprehension.

I arrived at the store, had a look tried one pair one, they where too narrow, then tried the next and they fitted like a glove! It was a purely shocking experience I had warned the assistant that this was likely to be a long job, but it wasn't they where perfect.

so I now have a beautiful new pair of Hi-tec Meridian eVENT walking boots in brown, and can I just say I would really recommend them there great!

contact catastrophe

well i have had a contact catastrophe, i had my first contact appointment today, it was all ballsed up before i evan got in there, i was nearly an hour erly wich was incredibly boreing, then when i eventully got in i discoverd the docter that reffered me hadnt said why or what it was for or anything. basically they didnt no why i had randomly turned up and thought i was an exsisting patent.

Then it was bad news after all the assessments and everything i was told that contacts probably wont work for me, yes my eyes are to fuck'd.

I'm really dissapointed, everyone has told me how good they found contacts and how it makes your vision seem much better. everything i have heard has been positive, there was never evan the slightest bit of me that thought it mighnt not work out like the farytale suggested.

The decision has been made to order me in some contacts and let me try them and see how it goes, it ether works or it dosent.

I've been warned that it probably wont, my right cornea has a very steep gradient, that means its to curvy, as a result form the surgery and stuff I've had in the past. my left eye is the complete opposite, its cornea is almost flat. then there's the issue of my astigmatism, my eyes wobble without my control its deterated as ive got older so that means i will proably still need glasess for reading, or evan possibly full time to correct that.

then there's the issue of my pupils, there not normal my right one is really high up within my eye itself, and is really small that means that the contact lens probably wont do much in that eye, because the most powerful bit of the contact is in the center, and my pupil is offset.

then my left eye has the same problem but my pupil is bigger and shaped like a keyhole upside down, so bits of that will be in the optimum contact area and bits wont.

so that's why overall it dose not sound like this is going to work out but I'm giving it a try anyway

I'm so annoyed!!!!!!

I am completely furious at myself!!

I cant believe my stupidity.

I have completely forgotten something that was really important to me something i was looking forward to, had even written down and i still forgot it!

such a complete idiot!!!!

I managed to completely forget about the existence of the liberty festival and now i cant afford to go.

I'M SO STUPID!!!!!

for those of you that don't no liberty is tomorrow in Trafalgar square in London, its the largest disability rights festival in the UK and is compleatly free to get in to, but i cant afford to get there! and i really wanted to go and now i cant.

If you hadent allredy gatherd im slightly angry!

I'm back

Well I'm back from camp, I went away with the 6Th Alverstoke guides, I'm one of there pre-warranted leaders.

Despite some serious toilet trauma, and no doubt some of the guides, and leaders will be scarred for life by the immense horror of the happenings, we had fun!

Owen was the camp star, he is the son of one of the leaders, and the grandson, and niece to most of the others! He is only 14 months old but already walking, saying a few words, loving water, and generally causing lots of really cute mayhem! He even had his own bike and chair at the table, he joined in with all the activities which included, swimming, pouring drinks, helping out the water patrol on several occasions and banging in wellie poles. Owen is one day going to be a fantastic scout leader! And id just like to quickly say a little get well soon Owen because he picked up a little bit of a cold awww!

It was a really fun camp full of laughter which is the best kind of camp to have, everyone had fun and the guides enjoyed themselves so did the leaders.

my emmece bravery!

wooooo its a hoot hoot at pauntons park (and no I have no idea how to spell that)

I have just been the bravest ever, I went to the park with my to amazingly super friends Kerry and Dan! (thanks for inviting me guys) and it was awesome!

I am normally a complete wuss and watch everyone else go on the rides and think , no way I'm doing that! but yesterday i was brave, i went on like everything! it was awesome! and i loved every minute! thanks guys

Results Day

Well today is results day, I got my results and went for a Chinese meal! and my parents are taking me out for dinner this evening as well so I will be very full.

My results are better than expected, I didn't fail anything, I can't believe it after all the CRAP I've had to deal with this year at college, lots of which wasn't my fault. I even passed history I got an E . Even more shockingly I also got a D in PE considering I got a U in the mocks that was really good.

The only one I'm a bit disappointed with was Biology which was my As I got an E but that was only because I failed one of the units, I got good grades in the other two but the failed unit dragged my grade down.

But its not the end of the world and I will retake it next year.

I also got a merit in acting which I'm really pleased with cause that was so hard so I'm pleased.

Overall I'm happy!

Results Day

well tomorrow is results day, I think it would be strange if I wasn't nervous but its nights like this when you just think what if?

What if I've failed everything?
What if I've done better than I think?
What if I've failed both my A levels and am just left with a A's?
What if I've failed biology and cant do it next year, what will I do?

Its a very stress full time for all the students in the land, I was in a really bad place mentally around exam time, I spent quite a lot of time putting on a brave face and laughing and joking about it all but I was actually struggling to even get out of bed in the morning, I was completely overwhelmed.

so I'm not expecting to do well.

Crazy week

I've been so busy its been a crazy week I have barley stopped.

I had a interesting visit to the GP which went a lot better than the last one (thank god) only bad thing is that my GP is leaving, so hes trying to 'sort me out' before he goes.

I've also been walking a retired guide dog called ulan(I have no idea how you spell his name) he is a lot bigger than Ian and is really sweet every time I go to pick him up he gets all excited and starts to cry, he is really sweet.

On Tuesday I recorded my part for the ouch! podcast, you can fine more about that here.

Also I went to see a local production of high school musical in which one of my friends stared, and she was amazing and it was really good to see her on stage doing what she loves and doing it brilliantly!

Today I have been making a move with my mates , its been written, edited, filmed and directed by my mate Dan and its going really well.

Then tomorrow I'm off to London which is going to be really fun I'm really looking forward to seeing a load of my mates and going to the namco station.

I also got a letter threw the post today and I don't have to wait ages for contact lens appointment, its right at the beginning of September which is good.

Fun stuff, hopefully next week Will be less busy!

I'm blogging for Ouch!

yyyyyyyaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!

I'm blogging for ouch! this is exciting stuff, for those of you that don't no ouch is the BBC's disability website and produces its own podcast it's good stuff check it out here .

I'm also going to be appearing on the next edition of the podcast, so look out for me.

You never no maybe my old tutor was right and I'm destined to be the worlds most greatest journalist!

The eye strain is over

I have finnally recoverd enough to post in here, I have had the worst eye strain I have ever experenced, its been awful and ive been very grouchy and sorry for myself.

It all started when I brought a book, "one unknown" by Gill hicks. Its a really intresting book dipicting her life before and after the London bomings and her recovery, really gripping. unfortunatly not avalible in large print. Fuck it! I thought to myself as I brought it I will read it evan if it takes me a decade to compleate. I started reading it on monday and after an unkown period of time I suddenly found myself against a brick wall of, seriously bad headache blurry vision aned my eye feeling like somene was trying to pull it out with a spoon. I think it was worse because it was only my 'good' left eye that was affected, I cant see enough to read with the right, unless its in hugely massive print! As I said erlyer the eye strain was the worsed I have ever had, I could no longer read, text my mates, watch TV and most tragically I couldnt evan use the PC , evan with my screen magnification set to a bigger zoom than normal. I was cut off from the world stuck and bored, I was fustrated because I wanted to keep reading the book but my disability was stopping me, why cant they just produce more books in large print? I thought to myself in a low bored out of my mind moment.

Then again I sarted pineing, pineing for a DAISY player, all I wanted to do was read a book. The problem being That DAISY players start at about £250 , way out of my price range. I could loan one, with a years membership to the RNIB's DAISY libery, but evan that is out of my price range. But I continue to dream about having my own digital audio informaton system at my fingertips, college and later university could get the softwhere and put entire textbooks on to DAISY format wich I can then use to acess the same information as everone else with the same ease and without lugging lever arch files of bits of textbook around with me everyday!


On tuesday my eye strain was still evedent, and as I have allredy posted about I had a lovly trip to my local eye check up.

Then wensday was the big day my finall Guide dog assesment, it was the day wich deiceded if one day I will be a guide dog owner or not, it was very intresting. It started in a very intresting way, I whent out of the wrong exit of the train station and got a call from the center asking where I was and that they where waiting for me, I said I was stood outside the train station, I was then informed that there are actully 2 different exits and I was at the wrong one, I was also told they would meet me on platform one, so over the bridge I went to platform one, wich was seriously crowded by people, and then luckerly they spotted me! what a fab impression I made , getting lost before I had evan started the day!

The assesment started by meeting the other 3 people who where being assessed, and then having a small introduction to it all, we then went out on a short harness walk with an instructer . It was very odd we learnt how to follow the movment of the harness and the basic commands, we learnt how to turn left and right how to start and stop walking, whilst all the while tellign the 'dog' "good boy", it was strange talking to a GDMI (guide dog mobility instructer) like a dog, it got wierder still however. The next thing we lernt on this walk was how to correct bad behaviour, this invoved sentements from the instrucer like "im sniffing".

Next was a talk on genral dog care, what trainign is like, how the dogs work, vets and questions from us. we also lernt about safty whilst out and about and where told we are expected to wear a florecent sam brown or vest, I was incredibly pleased to hear that we could sign a disclaimer stateing that we took full responcibility for not wearing the protective clotheing providided. Thank god just the thought of wearing a florecent sam brown to college is horrific, saying that maby I could turn it into a fashion statement or evan better still start of a new trend!

Then we had lunch and another talk from a real guide dog owner who told us more about what its actully like to have a guide dog as a mobility aid, then made a compleat fool of myself again by walking in to the side of a sun umbrella, the rubber tip of it went strieght into my ear wich was lovly.

After lunch it was the exciting bit, we actully got to walk with a real life guide dog in training in publick, I was really nervous about this and makeing a compleate fool of myself, my dog was called Masie and was a very small labridor retriver cross and was a very dainty little dog, it was amazing putting in to work all the stuff we had done in the morning and it felt compleatly liberating to be walking, being led by a dog who I trusted compleatly and led around all kinds of obsticales from people to bikes, and bustops, it was amazing.

Then we went back to the center and waited for the results of the days assessments, we would eatch be spokern to individually so it was a very tence amount of time that felt like hours, none of us knew what to say and there was so much tension in the room its undiscribable, then we where called in one by one.

Then it was my turn and I was so nervious trying desperatly to prepare myself for the worst, but knowing deep down inside that I thought I had done really well and I couldnt think of anything I had done really badly or messed up, I sat there listerning to the the instructers just wishing for them to blurt it out but I had to listern to process what they where explaing to me then the words, "its a yes your going to be put on the list" I smiled and must have shown a great release of tension.

Then things got a bit complicated it was explained to me that I am now going to have a very long wait for a dog and that they where unsure weather it was the right diecsion for me right now they evan said " its not to late to chang your mind" !!!!! as if I would change my mind now this was compleatly what I wanted, what I have allways wanted to turn it down now I couldnt evan contimplate. They where also concerned because of my age (18 for those of you that dont no) it was explained that I couldn't take the dog clubbing and get drunk and things like that, I was slightly shocked that they made the judgement I was a wild student whitout really noing me, I hate clubbing and never go, as for drinking, I do not drink, I'm not supposed to drink on my medication so I dont! I do understand why they had to say all this and there resons but I htink they could have done it in a better way.

I left the center and got a lift back to the station where I called my mum and told her the news, then sent everyone a text message. I still felt a mixture of joy in that I had passed as it where but also a huge sence that I had been judged and people had deicided what I was, who I was purly based on my age, I think the could have talked about there concerns in a more positive mannor.

But I'm done with being annoyed now, I just cant stop talking about it and telling the intire world that I am on the list, I want to shout it from the rooftops.

P.S apologies for the spelling, the spelchecker is eather down or just not working, that or I have spelt everything right, which is highly unlikely!

A very quick post

Unfortunately I don't really have time to give a full up date on the happenings here, I will soon but right now I'm far to tired, and as I said don't have the time.

I haven't been on the computer much recently because I have had really bad eye strain., which was my own stupid fault but never the less really frustrating.

My guide dog assessment went well and I'm on the list, I'm excited.

I'm far to tiered to properly blog about all this now so i will later!

Hospital visit

Well today was an immensely exciting event in my calender, my eye check up time, lovely stuff. so the day started with being driven to the hospital waiting around for hours then seeing the Doctor which was the most interesting bit.

Shockingly he was actually quite a nice guy, he said I was brave you no, anyway that's a bit off topic, he was looking at my eye test results for both distance and visual field, and informed me that they where below average for my age, well duuuur course they are, hello I'm partially sighted, its not a new thing I've been like this since forever!

Then the next interesting thing happened, before he had even checked my eye pressure he started saying that it was time to try new eye drops because they obviously weren't as effective.... then tested my pressures and to both his surprise and actually mine the where normal, which trust me is shocking, they haven't been normal in a loooooooong time.

Overall despite the doctor's slight insanity the visit went well, did find out that the prescription for my glasses needs changing, and I can try contact lenses but I have to wait 3 months for that.

fun fun fun

As if anyone could forget its my final assessment for a guide dog tomorrow, wish me luck everyone!

Rose and Jem's big Adventure

I'm going on an adventure!!!!

Me and a friend are going camping for a few days to the isle of Purbeck, its not til mid august but I'm excited! It's the first time ether of us have gone camping independently on our own, we are both experienced campers though me being a guide leader, Rose previously a guide and we have both done duke of Edinburgh. This however is like the test if we survive we'll do it again on a more regular bases, and we will no we both have the necessary skills to further are adventures.

Its going to be really fun, we have found a lovely campsite called Tom's filed (they have a blog, I've linked to it in my blog list!) its beautiful surrounded by Fields and within hiking distance of the Swanage steam railway, corfe castle , old harry rock and the notorious dancing ledge, all of which we plan to visit!

As an experienced camper I already had loads of the gear we needed, but yesterday I went out and brought the rest! I managed to get a bargain to, 3 gas canisters for the price of 2, and the gas burner itself is tiny it only weighs 195g which is good considering we are doing the trip backpack style, so everything has to fit in our 2 bags!

I also got some very scary matches, there called cyclone...which is I guess a clue they might be slightly scary. They are wind and water proof and come in a florescent orange watertight container, perfect I thought a) we wont lose them and b) they will even light in the rain. well when I got home from the shopping trip I got out the gas and the burner and the matches to check everything worked OK, which it did. When it came to lighting the match it was terrifying, I lit it and ....well I don't no what to compare it to it was like a sparkler the flame went racing down the match sparking, I tried to blow it out and couldn't, there wind proof , it was seriously near my fingers within a second so I threw it, as far away from the gas canisters as I could as I realised it it went out thank god! I guess I'll no for next time, I wasn't expecting it to be quite so ferocious.

Basically we are both really excited even though its 3 weeks away we are looking forward to it a lot!

We are both hoping we don't have to use are first aid skills, but with me going the likely hood is high. I'm hoping I don't have to peel my hand off barbed wire again!

Hummmm

I was going to blog about something,... it was something that bugged me.... something important, but for the life of me I cant remember what the hell it was!

Welcome to the really annoying part of my brain which has a non existent memory span, it drives me bonkers its amazing I actually manage to get anything done with a memory like mine.

Well I guess I can just give you a Jemma up date, because I'm very unlikey to remember what I wanted to blog about!

A few interesting things have happened.

• Me and a friend have decided to go away camping in august together, no parents, just us my tent and a map.

• My EMA bonus has finally been agreed and payed!

• I still haven't got my large print copy of harry potter, this is what happens when your god mother orders it as a present for you! (OK its not her fault she just had a stroke) I love her really!!!!! <3

I think that's about it really, oh I just need to say one more thing quickly aimed at one specific person, Rose if your reading this just because you don't have a blog does not mean you cant post a comment!

My Art

Recently I have rediscovered my love of art, I'm not your usual art lover tho, I don't get classical art all tho I am often in awe of those famous artists as there works are skillful, just not me. I'm partially sighted so my disability denotes that I am unlikely to be fabulous at art in the world of fully sighted people and if I'm honest the thought of spending my weekend looking at a load of pictures hung on a wall is not fun.

Its amazing I can deal with even the thought of being artistic, the scars from school art lessons, being the only partially sighted one. In junior school I was the one who's drawing was never as good as anyone else's, or the one who's waterfall looked like a heap of wet newspaper. The other kids didn't really understand there was a reason I was so rubbish at being creative. Actually at some points the teachers didn't even get it I remember distinctly when I was in year 4 at school and my teacher said to the class 'people with glasses can see more than people without so they are even better at copying art'. I have no idea where she got that idea from, but I seem to remember it annoying me!



In secondary school it was little better if not worse, the art staff where patronising, really patronising, they gave up on me before I had even picked up a pencil, they could just tell, probably because of my disability that I would be rubbish. I had to endure the head of art pretending to no what my picture was of, getting round it by saying ' I like the way you have created movement' when I had actually drawn a rock. One of my favorite lesions of art (NOT) was when we where doing something, I can't even remember what it was but we where using very fine pencils and pressing very lightly, that was the idea anyway. So me, nose to paper forced by the teacher to use the same pencil as everyone else tried my best, what I ended up with was a landscape of hills and mountains and sky , my teacher actually said it was one of the best pieces I had done all year and gave me a merit. I was surprised but to be honest couldn't really see the whole picture so assumed it must have been sort of all right. well in next weeks lesson we where doing some painting type thing I opened my art book to the first available page did my art. Teacher came up to me to look at it and we where both shocked to discover I had actually painted all over last weeks work, I couldn't even see it was there.

So school art was pretty horrific, I mean that was a brief selection of the horrors, not including things from the other pupils!

I only really got in to art and thought i could do something constructive, possibly even good, after I brought my graphics tablet. For those who don't know a graphics tablet is basically a small pen and pad which you plug in to the PC and use instead of the mouse to do arty stuff. Its opened up a whole new world of creativity for me, I haven't been able to use my graphics tablet since my PC blew up last year, at that time I lost all my work, everything I had created.

Now finally on Thursday I reinstalled the software and shock horror it worked!

since then I have really realised just how much I missed not having it, I cant stop creating, doodling and generally making a virtual mess.



I have created a number of images (which can be seen in the slide show under the title of this blog) One of them I have even entered in to the mind M.A.D art exhibition. its called 'A world of brightness' and here it is.

Guide dog : the full story!

Well by popular demand by Seahorse I am going to tell you the full details of my application for a guide dog and some background.... i am most probably going to bore you all stupid.



Background



Well in case you hadn't already gathered I'm rather partially sighted, I was born with cataracts, squints and really small pupils lots of surgery later I have Glucoma as a result of the surgery's and my pupils can't react to light and dark, meaning I'm night blind and struggle to see when its sunny and glare is definitely an issue. I also live in a hat (you might have seen my entry titled hats and pubs here).

My eye condition is genetic, my mother has it to. The surgery she has was very unsuccessful, as a result my mum is registered blind and can only see light and dark she has a guide dog called Ian. (there both in the pic on the left)

I also have a Blind auntie, who can see more than my mum and a partially sighted cousin... so theirs lots of us in the family.



Guide dog : the journey so far.



On my 18Th birthday I had a conversation with my mum and dad about applying for a guide dog, they where slightly sceptical but said they wouldn't stop me so on the 31st of October last year I made the call to start the ball rolling.



My first assessment



was all about what its like to own a dog and to give me more information about applying and what the process entails, its just a friendly chat about how the organisation works. Also I received a self declaration medical form, this is to insure that I'm fit and healthy enough to train with a dog, in my case they then wrote to my GP to check they agreed I would be able to train. Also we talk about my lifestyle and my future and start to get an idea of what dog would be suitable, if I get that far.



The mobility assessment



This was the bit I was most worried about. In this assessment the mobility assessor does a quick assessment of vision, field vision and asks lots of questions about what I can see whilst out and about and about the routes I do on a regular basis, and what forms of public transport I use. More lifestyle questions and then the bit I was most worried about, the assessment walk. on this I demonstrated my long cane skills and my pace, straightness, and road safeness. also there was a traffic assessment to see when I can see and hear cars coming and weather I can see cyclists and stuff.



Now



well that's all I've done so far, slightly abbreviated.



I got a letter through on Saturday saying that my final assessment will be on the 1st of august. In that assessment I will travel to the nearest center and meet a GDMI (guide dog mobility instructor) and go on 2 assessment walks, where I will work 2 different dogs. it will be very nerve racking stuff. At the end of the day the decision will be made as to weather I can go on a waiting list for a dog.



I'm both extremely nervous and excited about the prospect, I will be absolutely gutted if they say no at the end of the day, if they say yes I will be smiling from ear to ear.

8 random facts about Jemma

Zepher , over at Arthritic Young Thing has tagged me to do this ...(by the way sorry its so late Zepher I've been on my hols) and it would be rude not to! And I actually love doing random things like this!

Here's the rules.

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

1. I don't drink or smoke, but I completely understand people that do and am quite happy to go down the pub and watch everyone else get completely drunk.

2. I HATE clubbing and other places that are loud and have flashing lights... the inability to see in the dark combined with photophobia (the inability to see in bright light) and then inability to here due to loud music and I'm doomed!

3. I never eat vegetables I hate them all, I don't eat much fruit ether I no it's really bad for me but I cant help it. the smell of fish makes me heave, and the only meat I eat is chicken. yes I'm a very fussy eater

4. I absolutely love camping and hiking and the great outdoors, I also have an obsession with buying camping equipment, I own 3 sleeping bags, a very lovely flowery tent, travel towels, various hiking rucksacks, 2 pairs of boots (one of which doesn't even fit!), some very dodgy water proof trousers (I had to by them 3 sizes to big so they would be long enough).

5. I am 5ft 10 and 3/4 and have a 35inch inside leg, which makes it difficult to buy trousers. also I have very wide size 9(UK) feet which makes it very difficult to buy shoes, on top of that I have to wear corrective orthosoles in my shoes, all that means I live in trainers.

6. I mentioned earlier that I love camping and hiking and stuff, well I do but when hiking I fall over ever few minutes my balance is awful, because I have a bone condition, bilateral twisted tibia's, twisted pelvis, twisted hips and knock knees. The worst hiking falling over incident I have had was tripping and staying on my feet but with my head stuck in a thorn bush above me and my hand stuck on barb wire. I got my head free then had to peel my hand of the barbed wire!

7. I really like Harry Potter I love the books (especially as they are available in large print) and the Harry Potter books are the books I have read cover to cover of my own will, and i have pre-ordered the last book already!

8. I got the letter through on Saturday that my final assessment for a guide dog is on the 1st of August!! exciting stuff (I've been dieing to blog about it but didn't think it warranted a full entry so this counts)

In return, I shall tag: Dave from Chewing the fat , Seahorse from the beauty offencive, Goldfish from Diary of a Goldfish , Damon from Do your worst , Pole to pole: the secret life of a manic depressive, L^2 from Dogs eye view, Lady Bracknell from The perorations of lady Bracknell and TDF at Blogs from the dogs

Distractions

well today I'm madly trying to distract myself from thinking.... this is ether delaying the inevitable or 'helping me battle the storm', but I have to try.... I can't listen to the things I'm thinking.

I've been away for a few days hence the gap in activity in terms of the blog. I went to Slough, in Berkshire (England) its where I'm from originally and it was good to get back to my roots, see old places, I bumped into a few people I used to no.

There was quite a bit of shopping and I spent far too much money.... this is bad because its my Dads birthday on Tuesday and what have I got him? Nothing! And I'm skint now , I have £2.95 in my Bank account and about £5 in lose change so I think its gunna be a cheap box of chocolate.

last night I came home and watched telly and chilled out, then when everyone else went to bed I drank neat Pimms, and quite a lot of it,(I'm not supposed to drink on the anti-depressants) got the most drunk I've ever been and then went to bed.

I guess it's true alcohol is a depressant!

Today I have been out twice to try and escape the thoughts and I have been doing different distractions all nite.

This was one so please forgive the typos!

Infuriating visit to the GP

Apologies in advance as this is most definitely a terribly written rant about my negative experience at my doctors surgery today, wich was truely infurating!

Today I had to see a GP to get some more anti-depressants, I was supposed to be seeing my own GP on Thursday but I'm going on holiday tomorrow, so I had to move the appointment. I then couldn't get another appointment with my GP so had to see a locum.

I arrived at the surgery with my mum who had to see the nurse briefly, my mother is nearly totally blind, and the receptionist was really really unhelpful!

In our surgery there is a LED board type thing that displays the patient name and where to go, it is a visual symbol but there is no audio announcement apart from a small beep, really helpful if you cant read the screen!

The receptionist said she would tell my mum when it was her turn to go in and then didn't. Another patent told my mum it was her turn so my mum went to the desk with her guide dog Ian to ask for assistance, to find out where to go the receptionist ignored my mums existence, despite my mum asking her specifically if she could help! Again another patent had to step in and guide my mum to the room! that should not happen!

Then when it was my turn to see the doctor I too had the same problem with the screen again another patient told me it was my turn, however this time I went to the desk and did get some help. On leaving the surgery I was informed that they didn't realise I was visually impaired, long cane, thick glasses and wobbling eyes not a big enough clue? Apparently it has now been put next to my name that I need assistance, great.

The problem with the screen system was pointed out last year when the surgery opened, my mum even phoned the RNIB to get them to speak to the practice manager who was less than helpful, and said that there was not a problem. clearly there is.

When I finally got to see the Doctor it was a very irritating appointment, I explained the situation that I needed more anti-depressants because I was going to run out before I got to see my GP. I then had to listen to the GP going on about how I'm very young to be on anti-depressants (I'm 18 therefore in the eyes of the medical profession an adult) and that she wanted me to be taken off them as soon as possible. I was very much against this, they have helped but not solved the problem, I'm on a waiting list for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and counselling, taking me off them before getting me the right treatment could be bad.

In the end she gave me a months supply, completely refused to give me a repeat prescription and told me to see my regular GP when I got back.

The only problem with that is, as of Friday my GP is on holiday for three and a half weeks, so I will probably end up having to see another locum, whilst waiting to see my GP.

Arugh!

It's all so irritating!

Recently

I have been rather busy, on Friday I went to beaulieu (yes I had to look up the spelling of that) it was great fun, we went on the monorail and on the old bus. we also went into the house and the Abby. The whole place was strangely un-accessible tho it did make me wonder how they got away with it, there appeared to be rather limited wheelchair access. only a few of there steps where marked...which was hazardous, there where lots of overhanging bushes and my most embarrassing "they could have done better on the access front" moment was there doors, when you pay for your entrance in to beaulieu you walk through a set of clear glass doors, I did not realise they where there! Anyway moan over it was really fun we had ice cream looked round gardens, got stuff blown every were in the cafe, went on a slightly scary monorail and looked at nice cars. we also went on the wheel thing where you look at the history of cars was really cool.

Then on Friday evening I went back to my friends and we played swing ball and a bit of catch and then had a very lush Chinese, it was a really lovely day!

Then on Saturday I went to a family anniversary party all my dads side of the family where there and it was my half-cousin's 5th wedding anniversary and it was really fun, I spent a lot of time holding some very sweet baby's, and giving them back when it was toilet time, did do quite a lot of nose wiping tho!

To be honest I'm writing this trying to hang on to those good things, I've been pretty down and alone, even wen I'm with other people

I'm finding the holidays harder than I thought, I never for a million years thought I would say these words but I'm missing college. At college there are places to go, things to be done, people to talk to and most importantly it's a reason to get up in the morning, to make myself get up.

Anyway I'm doing better than I was on the last anti-depressants I think these ones might actually be helping....so we will see how it goes...only time will tell.

To end on a positive note, I'm going away on Tuesday!!! its only to slough which is most peoples idea of the most hellish holiday destination ever but I'm going to see my auntie and her partner and her dog so its good :D

Hats and pubs

I've just been shopping this is indeed one of my favorite pastimes I could bore you in the delights of my many purchases but I fear I may lose any readers I actually have if I where to go in to detail!

My mother and I decided to go to a pub for lunch with the smoking ban now in England it's great , you are no longer confined in a room full of people lighting up forced to do damage to your lungs due to passive smoking, my asthmatic mother loves it, and as an avid non-smoker so do I.

I don't drink , well let me rephrase that statement I'm not supposed to drink on my medication. I still enjoy sitting in the company of others and watching them get drunk or just socialising.

pubs often do nice food as did the one we went to today had a really nice chicken and bacon melt thing with BBQ sauce and cheese in a roll , it was really nice the chips where crispy and everything was perfect.

In fact my entire day would have been perfect if it had not been for one incident, and it is such a common one that happens practically every time I go on an evening out or out for lunch.

I was asked "can you take your hat of please?", this is something I have a real problem with.

I understand it's a measure to try and prevent crime, like wearing a hat is going to have some chemical effect on your brain which combined with possible alcohol consumption will result in a transformation like that of the hulk, from ordinary bloke to giant green destruction machine.

I just think its rude to ask another person to remove an item of clothing (in a public setting) and for me specifically its awful , having to say no i cant remove my hat I'm visually impaired I need to keep it on. OK I do admit that I sometimes keep my hat on not due to my V.I status but due to the fact I feel awkward without it, self conscious , naked and venerable, I'm emotionally attached to my hat collection. There's also the great ability to hide behind it, not in a criminal sense but in a self conscious sense, I'm fully aware that my eyes don't look "normal" my pupils are different, I have scaring and I don't have to much control over there movement so I guess i would rather hide behind the hat than have people think I'm giving them funny looks.

I mean do the owners of pubs even think of people with disabilities, it's not just little visually impaired me this could affect there's people with scaring, cancer patents and people with body dimorphic disorder, to name just three groups that might want to wear a hat.

I don't like it, it happens everywhere I go. I don't like it!

messy

Well me and my... What to call him.... It's a very new relationship...erm boyfriend, went on a date last week. We went for lunch and then back to mine(briefly) and then to the beach and a really nice little cafe which my friend owns/ manages to get ice cream, then on to the local park.

Whilst surveying the various offerings of iced delight, I had to consider not just the taste but the likely hood of me spilling it everywhere and the possible embarrassment this would cause, so i decided to be safe and go for a Ribina ice(other brands are available). "It's in cardboard I can't possibly spill that can I?"- I thought away merrily to myself.

Well to my boyfriends amusement I got purple blackcurrant everywhere all over my white top, and very sticky hands. A couple of people sitting opposite saw me spill it and laughed at me. I went to the toilet to try and clean up a bit, that was hugely unscessful. I had to walk home with blackcurrant stains all over my white top!

The worst thing about this was it wasn't even because of my disability so I couldn't use that as an excuse, my boyfriend (for want of a better expression) is also visually impaired and he didn't spill any. I'm sure the ability to spill ice cream cant be linked to my mental health issues, or my issues (yes i ahve lots of issues) with balance...but ...yes I've cracked it an excuse for looking like a small child and a fool.

Are you ready?...Sure?

The nature of my visual impairment leaves me unable to judge distances thus my co-ordination is impaired!

yes a justified reason for making a mess! I love it!

well im here

wow wasn't expecting it to be that easy to set up a blog and well I'm here basically!

so why am I here wasting your time, money (you pay for the broadband don't you?) and energy (mouse clicking takes energy you no). well I have been inspired to blog, well properly blog by the ouch blogger's if they can do it so can I . Here I am for you properly blogging. I say properly blogging because I have blogged before, I am not a blog virgin! I have a blog on my, my space and I have a rather neglected one on my windows live space, jemmieville which was my very first blog, aww the memories of being a blog virgin.

so why the name? I hear you yell at your computer, well I didn't have a clue what to call my blog so i decided upon that, I like monkeys, I'm a bit nuts and this is sort of a diary so it kinda worked! it was nearly " diary of a dog " but I thought monkey was more exotic and exciting, bit like me really!